Smeagol is Free! A hermitudinal view of...stuff...

11.25.2003   Thanks Being that this may be the very last post before Thanksgiving, I figured some giving of thanks is in order. Such a posting may be difficult, since I'm a little...well...punchy today. I want to do a little obnoxious yelling, but that's difficult because my lungs are still clearing themselves of phlegm. I want to smirk, but smirking only gets so far when no one else is here to be offended. I want to be silly and social, but I can only accomplish the silly part 'cause everyone else has left campus to go home for Thanksgiving. Thus, you get to feel the brunt of my silly giving of thanks :) The first thing I'm thankful for is the fact that no matter how much my skin turns a greyish-pasty colour (yeah, I'm feeling British, too), I'll still be able to regain most of my tan within a span of a few hours. Alright. At this point, perhaps more than just a few. Still, I can praise God for my good melanin count! On a more serious note, I'm thankful for being here in Kentucky. A year ago, I had no idea what life outside of Hawai'i would be like. A year later, I still have no idea what life outside of Hawai'i is like. Why is that, you say? Think about it. I'm in two different states almost every day, I've been in an additional five or six, and I'll definitely be adding to that number before all is said and done. Yet, I've been exposed to just a tiny fraction of the world's population, and a tiny fraction of the world's cultures. In a sense, my exposure has only made me more aware of my underexposure. That being said, I'm still thankful for being here in Kentucky. Of all the places I could be at this moment, this is exactly where God wants me. Not at home, not in some foreign country (yet), but right here where the weather sucks the brown out of me (as Kevin so aptly put it once upon a time), where I'm being grown and changed as God sees fit. For that, I'm thankful. I'm also thankful for my siblings. My sisters, bless their hearts, have put up with me over the years...they whine about it a lot, but still, they've done it, and continue to do so...especially Monica (I think she's now making up for the time she couldn't put in while she was in school and in Japan...hehehe). As rude and crude as I am, I know I'd be far worse if I didn't grow up with five sisters to smack me back into place every now and again :) Lisa's the Alpha Female of the tribe...she's The Boss. It's funny, though, 'cause now she doesn't really boss me around. I'm one of the few people on the planet who can still smile at her in the midst of being yelled at by her :) Monica...she's the Middle Child of the family, even though she's second of seven. She provides much of the insight and provender I need in order to survive this melding of Southern and Yankee cultures known as Louisville. Mary's the Mom. Don't ever get her mad. Lisa's bark is louder than her bite, but Mary's bark is usually followed by her bite. Yeah...'nuff said. Steph...Steph has the distinction of looking the most like me. Poor girl. Malia...well...she'll call me just to tease me about the food everyone (except me) is eating. She keeps me humble, I suppose :) Of course, I cannot forget my brother in all of this. I think it was the time he spent in Denver that first made me realize how much he really did mean to me. He'd call me just to talk, and we'd spend hours on the phone, just the two of us, talking about everything and nothing all at once. He was going through some tough times, and he needed someone who would listen...so listen I did. I learned something through all of that, something I think he learned as well: as different as we are, we still know each other very well, because we're both cut from the same piece of cloth. Funny how that all works out. For that, I'm thankful. posted by Bolo | 12:36 PM 0 speakage   Of Mice and Men Forgive me, fair reader, for a rant is in order today. This has to do with the little computing device known affectionately as a "mouse," and its usage. I'm thinking of "Of Mice and Men" as being an appropriate title :) I used to open up the mouseball compartment and clean the mouseball rollers inside the various mice I'd use at the computer lab, because if I didn't, I'd go nuts. My arrow would jump all over the screen, and I could *feel* the gunk stuck on the rollers going "gajunkgajunkgajunkgajunk" with every move of the mouse. Gah! So you'd think it'd be a godsend when the school replaced those old-fashioned, low-tech mouseball mice with the newfangled, high-tech optical mice. Yeah. God sent 'em all right. So that I'd learn PATIENCE. Do these young whippersnapper mice give a smooth, bump free motion across the screen? Nope. Do they flawlessly respond to every subtle movement of my extensively trained wrist, hand, and fingers? NOPE. Do they get stuck on a pixel at the least opportune moment, or, with an agility befitting Barry Sanders, dodge out of the way of the big X in the upper right hand corner when I want to close a window? ABSOLUTELY! I swear, I'd be giving the darn thing the stink eye if I didn't think the laser would gouge my cornea out. At least the good 'ol mouseball never did THAT. So what if I have to clean it out every week? I'll take that ornery, rickety, grungy old mouse any day over this thing. At least I could look it in the eyes...er...balls...*cough* posted by Bolo | 10:25 AM 0 speakage 11.24.2003   Post ETS Woohoo! My nose and lungs are finally clearing up, my eyeballs are no longer in a state of perpetual burning, and it's snowing outside. Well, two out of three ain't bad, right? Not to mention, we're on a week long break here at school. That's right, no classes until next Monday. *Grin* My last memory of school was sitting here in the computer lab last week, furiously (that's the word I used to describe it to Mon...furiously) typing out my ten page, double-spaced book review. I cranked out eight full pages in an hour fifteen before I had to print it out and hand it in. I don't know whether I should be proud of the fact that I did eight in that time, disappointed that I didn't type as quickly as I could've, or ashamed that I didn't start on it sooner. At this point, I don't care...I haven't seen my grade on it, nor have I even taken the time to read through my paper. There may be horrendous errors in thought or typos I hadn't caught on the fly. *Shrug*...anyway, on to more important matters :) Being at the ETS conference in Atlanta was cool, to a certain degree. If anything, the best part was being with people, and getting to know them. I told Royce that I just can't excited about meeting "big time" theologians like John Frame or J.P. Mooreland or William Lane Craig. In all honesty, I don't think I'd get all that excited about meeting anyone famous...not anymore, at least. In a sense, it all boils down to this: those famous people are cool, but the impact they'll have on my life by my meeting them is minimal, at best. Don't get me wrong; I have been and will continue to be profoundly influenced and impacted by the work these great thinkers and lovers of God have done. But do you know what I covet and get excited over? Calling Andrew and hearing some Godly wisdom. Knowing I can ask Brian to pray for any thing at any time. Hearing Scott reassure me with God's word. Having Leonard call me just to talk. Those things, I treasure. Those things are going to impact me as much as reading Grudem's Systematic Theology. Why? Because my friends will spur me on to approach God with proper affections and right thinking, whether they know it or not. Without such friends, such theology would become bland very quickly. Theology for the sake of theology is dead. Theology for the sake of enjoying God? Much better! In other words, unless I'm going to enjoy God more because of it, I really don't care. posted by Bolo | 10:43 AM 0 speakage 11.20.2003   ETS So...I'm at the annual ETS conference being held in Atlanta this year. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I've got tons of...ummm..."issues"...to deal with. Some of you know of one of these issues, which I won't go into here (laugh at me all you want, those of you who know), but let's just say that God is definitely growing me, in ways I'm not always looking forward to. *Sigh*... That said, being here has been cool. Geeky-cool, mind you. Some guys get excited over meeting their sports heroes, others get excited about meeting Wayne Grudem, Doug Moo, or Roger Nicole. If you know who these guys are, you should be worried ;) Most of the stuff said isn't necessarily over my head, but to be perfectly honest, I can get pretty bored with it pretty quick. My mind simply doesn't work that way, and I think I have to learn to be ok with that. That's not always the easiest thing, but I realize that God makes us all in ways that reflect some part of His creation. One last note before I go, because this silly posting is actually costing me MONEY. Dr. Mohler spoke on the loss of awareness of Hell yesterday in the modern world. He quoted someone, and if I have time later, I'll look it up. Essentially, it went something like this: We have, over time, turned the air conditioner on in hell. In doing so, it seems that we've made hell much more inviting for people. To preach fire and brimstone may not be popular, but it's the truth. Sometimes, it must hurt. posted by Bolo | 4:53 PM 0 speakage 11.15.2003   Lies You always hear about how the Western Media doesn't give you the truth. It's one of those things that has been, on the lighter side, mocked and parodied, while on the deeper end, tsk tsked and lamented as one of those peculiarities to which our society decidedly adheres without a second thought. We like our truth shaded juuuust so, we enjoy our Tom Brokaws and Dan Rathers telling us in their oh-so-real voices of concern that they hope everything will be alright. Now, before I start sounding too cynical, let me tell you from whence this stream of thought comes. Yesterday, I was taught a few things. I learned some things about the beliefs of Muslims, and what I was taught leaves me saddened and pained. Dr. Ergun Caner, Professor of Theology and History at Liberty University has been on our campus this past week. What makes him so special? Simply this. How many Christians do you know of that were former Muslims? Of that, how many were actually born and raised in a Muslim country? And of those, how many were the equivalent of Islamic PK's (preacher's/pastor's kids)? Until several days ago, my own answer to that would have been exactly zero. What sets Dr. Caner apart is the vast and almost innate knowledge he wields of Islam. The image of Islam that he paints is vastly different than that which we are taught in America. How often has the media told us that Islam, when practiced rightly, is peaceful and does not condone violence? How often have we had it poured down our throats that those extremists who strap bombs to themselves are not to be considered "true" or "normal" Muslims, but crazed fanatics who are devout to a fault? Bleh. In its truest form, Islam is far more violent, far more virulent than we would are led to believe, or for that matter, even want to believe. I won't go into too much detail concerning Islam other than what I've already said, simply because Dr. Caner says it far better than I ever could. He speaks with passion, detailing the truth of Islam. He speaks with authority, having been intimately acquainted not only with its beliefs, but its rabidness. And when he speaks, I find myself stirred as I rarely am. As he speaks of his "kinsman according to the flesh," I look into my heart, and I see a desire to tear away the lies they believe in. I have misunderstood them. They have misunderstood me. The horrible thing is, their misunderstanding is not rooted in the distortion of another culture, but in a distortion of God Himself. How can I possibly hate them? They are passionate for what they believe in, despite that belief being a terrible lie. I can only hope that as Christians, we would likewise become passionate for the truth. How horrible to let them live a lie...who will tell them of the truth? Part of Dr. Caner's story can be found here posted by Bolo | 3:44 PM 0 speakage 11.13.2003   Unexpected There's something distinctly horrible about death...true death. When someone you know, someone who didn't know Christ, dies an unexpected death, it's horrible. I don't know what to say, I don't know what I can do, but I do hope in this: God grieves with us, and He knows and understands the horrors of sin death far better than we do. I pray that somehow, Aya's family realizes this. *Sigh*...death is horrible. posted by Bolo | 6:27 PM 0 speakage 11.12.2003   Open Grief A few of us are going to the ETS (Evangelical Theological Society) conference coming up next week in Atlanta. As part of the conference, Dr. Clark Pinnock and Dr. John Sanders will perhaps have their membership called into question due to their views on Open Theism. What is Open Theism? In short, it's the view held by some that God does not know the future, and therefore takes "risks" as would a human. It is, to be perfectly honest, a horrible view that has become prominent in recent years. Yet, what I find most disturbing about Open Theism is not how horribly it distorts God's glorious nature. Nor is it that those men who teach this belief are swaying others, including some rather prominent church leaders, toward their views. No, those two things, horrific as they are, are blatant and unblushingly so. The blatant attacks I can handle, but it's the subtle that makes me grieve. No, what disturbs me most is the zeal I find when I look into the eyes of some of my fellow students. I see some bloodthirsty grins when we speak of the possible ousting of Pinnock and Sanders from the Society. I hear a motley crowd rejoicing over the voting that may occur. And do you know what I feel? Sick to my stomach. I told Andrew yesterday I hoped that if I were in such error, if I myself were leading others astray in their beliefs and making a mockery of the God that has first loved me, that others would find it in their hearts, by the grace of God, to grieve over my sinful soul. I told him that I was saddened...angered...pained. To think that we might get excited over the blindness of a brother is a tragic loss of awareness in regards to the majestic grip of God's grace, and at that notion, I want to throw up. I told Monica this morning that I hated the way we celebrate the demise of one of God's creations. What's the difference between my "true" belief, and their "error"? GRACE! "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." (Ephesians 2:8,9) My heart aches at the thought that there are some who are so close to tasting the sweetness of God's infinite and astounding glory, yet are so far. Why do we rejoice over this? Why? posted by Bolo | 1:32 PM 0 speakage 11.11.2003   Spite Quickie thoughts for the day: God works in and through our lives in spite of us, not because of us. Yet, He loves us because of who we are, and who He is. Strange how that works itself out, isn't it? posted by Bolo | 9:50 AM 0 speakage 11.10.2003   Passion and compassion A good friend of mine was given a warning once: be careful of what you're passionate in, because in the things you're most passionate about, you lack compassion. Although at the time it was said to him as an observation of his particular character, when I heard it I was struck by how easily that could apply to myself, to one degree or another. I've tossed that idea around a bit in my head today, and it's been a little sobering to see what's come forth. I've begun to wonder if, in my passion, I must be careful to strive to be equally compassionate. I think we have the ultimate example of this in Christ. Jesus, God in the flesh, was and is more passionate for the glory of God than any man that ever lived. Yet, despite the depth to which we mock that glory, Christ still sees compassion as the means to bringing us to a passion for His glory. It would do us well to remember this: be compassionate in our passion. Hehe...easier said than done :) posted by Bolo | 9:52 PM 0 speakage 11.06.2003   Already perfect The cafeteria was semi-filled with the lunchtime crowd. I'd finished eating my tortilla wrap, Jonathan his Blue Plate Special. I had just told him that my life had been filled with growth lately, and that although the growth hadn't been easy, God had been amazing me in what He's been doing in and through my heart. Before he went to refill his coffee, he said that he had a thought for me. I pondered what that thought might be as I watched him make his way through the cafeteria, greeting the various people he saw. When he got back, I was in for a pleasant surprise. His advice? Simple, yet needed. "Don't forget to apply the appropriate theology to that growth." A typical seminary egghead bit of advice, eh? Not really :) What he meant by that is this: I must continually force myself to realize that although I may be going through the process of growth and sanctification, I'm already perfect, already justified, and there's nothing I can do to improve. Nothing. Think about that. There's *nothing* we can do to improve our worth in God's eyes, nothing to gain value. God has already bestowed Christ's righteousness upon us, already declared us pure and holy in His eyes, already given us sonship. We're His children, His beloved children; what good father would require his baby to prove its worth before he loves it? None. A father loves his child because it is that: his child. So in one sense, growth and sanctification could be considered an ever greater awareness of our perfection and sonship in Christ. What a relief :) On another note, happy birthday, Garcia...I pray it was a good one. posted by Bolo | 2:50 PM 0 speakage   Vindication For a long while, Monica had been giving me a little heat for some circumstances a couple years ago involving myself and The Ex. Essentially, because the breakup had been very difficult and we both needed our space, I did the hard thing: I did my best to totally and utterly separate myself from her for a period of time. Understand, now, that all of our mutual friends understood this, and supported this decision. Also, understand that she, as much regard as I have for her, didn't exactly comply. Thus, I felt it necessary to take even more drastic measures than simply avoiding her, as I needed to "push" her away when she'd do a little not-so-subtle "stalking." Anyway, back to Monica (and Dave, by association) giving me heat. Last night, Mon told me she finally understood, since one of her female friends is being emotionally dragged through the mud by her Ex. The details are long and winding, but suffice it to say that I feel the need to shoot someone's testicles to teach him a lesson...it's that bad. The cool thing about it for me is that Mon truly did see my actions from a couple years ago as not only legitamate, but commendable. Dragging the ladies through the emotional muck and mire is NOT cool. Men are pigs; just 'cause we like to wallow in the mud doesn't mean we need to drag the ladies into it as well. Alright, 'nuff of that stuff...there's only so much relational stuff I can handle for one post. My phone is finally back online (at least until Sprint turns it off again...hehe). I spoke to several guys last night...Brian, Jeff, and Jon. It was amazing to talk to friends and realize once more that they're going to be friends for life. I'm really blessed; true friends are rare, yet it seems that God keeps pouring more and more richness into my life through them. Even the guys here will be close to me for life. You know, that's probably what makes being here not simply bearable, but *rich*. Thanks, guys, for all of your friendships. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me so. posted by Bolo | 9:51 AM 0 speakage 11.04.2003   Heavy I didn't want to be at dorm meeting last night. I wasn't mad, I wasn't hurting, I wasn't in any way "wrong"...I just didn't want to be there. There was a sudden and definite heaviness on my heart that I hadn't felt in a very, very long time. It was like God was showing me how incredibly *serious* He is, and therefore, I must be. The feelings that ran through me last night during dorm meeting were strange and conflicting...angry, yet calm; sad, yet rejoicing; peaceful, yet aching. Like I said, I hadn't felt that way in a very, very long time...but I'm glad I did. It's almost like God decided to begin a little open heart surgery, without telling me about it. I told Scott about it on our walk after dorm meeting. He understood what I was going through, which was good. I don't think *anyone* here had seen that side of me yet. Royce put a chair on me while I was reading through a chunk of Isaiah, for which he later apologized. Mike asked me several times if I was ok. I don't think the guys knew how to respond, for the most part. Pretty much everyone else at home would've just said, "oh, John's fine." Andrew and Brian and Jon have seen that most often; Brian would say about me, "John's just thinking." After people were gone he'd have me spill it. Jon would ask me, "are you funky tonight?" He knew my moods well, and I never had to hide them from him. I miss that a lot. I think I need to call him soon. Hehe...just as soon as I get this silly phone turned on again ;) It's hard when people see the extreme melancholy side of me for the first time. They don't understand it, and I don't communicate it very well. I think I'm getting better at it, though...it's not nearly so bad as it used to be! Jon would be proud :) posted by Bolo | 9:46 AM 0 speakage 11.03.2003   The Hero I had an interesting conversation with one of the kids in the youth group yesterday. I'd caught the bus from work to church yesterday morning, and I saw him when I got there about an hour before we were scheduled to start our Sunday School classes. I'll call him "X" for the purposes of this blog :) We started to talk, and for some reason, I asked X if he'd ever felt like he wasn't growing, or if perhaps he'd ever felt frustrated and angry with himself or with God. He said he did, and in fact last night he'd been lying in bed, crying himself to sleep. I told him that our lives can sometimes be like knowing rats are in a room. At first, the room is dark, and although the room is completely filled with rats, you don't see the extent of the infestation. As light enters in, many of the rats are driven away, and you begin to see the critters. As the light becomes brighter, all but the most stubborn rats leave the room, and yet you notice those far more than the ones that have already left. After that, I asked X what James 5:16 said. Being the studious type who just happens to be gifted with a photographic memory, he quoted it perfectly: "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." I told him it's interesting that quite often, that verse is split into two parts, the first and second sentences. To my mind, however, there's a definite correlation between having two such statements right next to each other. I then related the story of Richard Foster's encounter with a man who had come to pray for him. This was a man whom he'd never met, yet upon meeting Foster, began not to pray, but to confess sin. A stunning thing to imagine! A complete stranger confessing his sin...strange, very strange, yet this man did just that with Richard Foster! Upon finishing his confession, the man asked Foster if he still wanted prayer. Saying he did, the man began to pray for him, and it was a prayer that he never forgot; indeed, it was a prayer filled with power, and its rippled to affect many lives, my own included. So, how did this story tie in with verse from James? To my thinking, although we as Christians are justified before God, our prayers are ineffective unless we've confessed our sins before Him. That's a truth that's touched upon many times, but I think when we quote that verse, we unintentionally sever the truth. There's no taking the two parts of James 5:16 apart :) At that point, X had a rather shocked look on his face. Why, I wasn't sure, but he seemed to be listening with more than just his ears at that point, if you know what I mean. I then told X of the converstion with Jonathan that I'd had a while back (it's blogged on October 9th) on God honoring us. I asked X two things: why would God honor us at all when we cry out to him in prayer, and how is that related to the story of the prodigal son. I then told him about my desire to go home, even if for but an hour, that I might see friends and family. I related how Jonathan asked me the million dollar question: "Wouldn't their response to seeing you be *honoring* to you?" I had no idea why I told X all of this, or how any of it really tied together. In all honesty, my brain seemed to jump from one topic to the next. He later asked me if I'd known he'd been struggling with depression. I did, but that wasn't why our conversation went the way it did. He claimed I had this "Yoda" thing going on...it seemed to be a compliment, so I'll take it as that :) But you know what? I'd just gotten off a 10 hour shift at work, and my brain only had so much energy, so no matter how full of wisdom I'd like to think I am, I'm not so sure it really was me doing the talking. Still, what I do know is this: if any good came of our conversation (and I'm more than certain that it did), I'm blessed that God chose to gift me and use me in such ways, but not for the reason I first thought. Last night, as I thought about that conversation with X, I was sorely tempted to rejoice in the ways that God's gifted me. But still, that'd be wrong. At least, it would be wrong if that were the main reason I rejoiced. A couple of weeks ago, I taught the middle schoolers in Sunday School that the hero in the stories of Genesis (and all of scripture, for that matter) is not any human such as Abraham or Joseph or Hagar, but *God Himself*. God reminded me of that last night. The hero in the conversation between myself and X was not me, nor was it X, but God. For that reason and for that reason alone should I rejoice. Anything else would be but a tiny pleasure in comparison. One last thing. Before everyone else came in the room, I told X one more thing...a benediction of sorts, if you will. I said that we can almost never change our circumstances; we can only change our response to them. I think it'd be good for me to remember that every now and again... Oh, and pray for me. A map quiz tonight, another quiz in the morning, and two mid-terms tomorrow afternoon. You know what, though? I love the academic side of things...it's the application of it that I get bad grades on ;) posted by Bolo | 1:45 PM 0 speakage Dell Coupons		Daily Coffee Sweet Maria's James Hoffmann Theologous Desiring God Ministries Monergism Discerning Reader Albert Mohler, Jr. Russell Moore 9 Marks Play Jock Think Laugh Foxtrot User Friendly Learn National Geographic Geek out. 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Quotatious "I don't know what that means, but because I'm a Mac owner, I do it." -Ryan Szrama "I'm trying to be regenerate." -Ivy Warriner "Pink is pink. Peach is not pink." -Janet McClurg, in response to her color-changing husband "How many dumps did I have to take today? I took a lot of dumps today." -John Michael LaRue, talking about ultimate "I hired a campaign manager to win the Servant Towel award. People like that don't deserve to win it." -Michael Butterworth "I don't think I could quite drop the "Mohler" no matter how many marriages I go through." -Katie Mohler "However, in hindsight, I think it might have been better to have told him in front of John MacArthur, so that dad would just say, 'Grace to you.'" -Katie Mohler, on the spillage of the beanage concerning a little incident which we do not name "He told me, 'Look, we won't be remembering this at your thirtieth wedding anniversary. And yes, I'll be around then. I'll be ninety, but I'll be around.' And I said, 'Are you telling me I won't get married for twelve more years?'" -Katie Mohler, on conversing with her father "So basically, his name is Big Joe Danka." -Aaron Ruszkiewicz, on little Magnus' naming "Ok, he walks loudly." -Katie Mohler, on how exactly her father "runs" "Of course I start to breathe after somebody passed gas." -Ryan Szrama "I have a way with old women." -Josh Reid "Jeesh just told a story about being hit on by an old lady." -Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey "It wasn't sweet, it was creepy." -Michael McCollum, on why the Sunergos Sweet 'Stache Discount wasn't given "I'm like a fountain of wit...or the fertilizer of said fountain." -Katie Mohler "Holy crap...we lost 99 - 48 in the season opener? I see they stopped worrying about updating the score list." -Ryan Szrama, commenting on his alma mater's basketball team "What can go wrong on Appreciate a Dragon Day?" -Lori Wanman "Do you enjoy making people feel retarded? You behave like that is your job in life." -Jessica Cimato "Stephen sounds so smart when he's on the phone; what happens when he hangs up?" -Peter Sieg "Well, I've got a lot of Facebook friend requests." -Andy McClurg, responding to an inquiry on how his first three months of pastoring at IBC have been "If you were mooned while you were marooned, you would be a mooned marooned Moon." -Michael Jenkins "Can we call you 'Special Dark'?" -Stephen Mobley "Extra-skinny h2o, half-steam half-ice, no whip." -Me, on how to order water at Starbucks "It's you to an unsanctified T." -Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey "It's like a workout, having a conversation with you." -Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey "I shot the French Press..." -Ben Hedrick, sung to the tune of I Shot the Sheriff "Hey, thrower thrower thrower...hey, thrower thrower thrower...huck thrower, huck! Huck thrower huck!" -Off White "Well, you're her boss, and she's your...your...your whatever!" -Anonymous, talking to a guy about his girlfriend "It's hard to fill a gas tank on the shoulder of the interstate in 4-inch heels while someone is mocking you with a camera, but that's what happens when you don't think the gas gauge 'really means it yet.'" -Catherine Huffman "It's been a while since I took Geometry. It's been even longer since you took Geometry." -Peter Sieg, to me "You know what else is strange? Looking at a total stranger who looks totally familiar, then comparing life stories only to realize that you are the only common link. It was six degrees of John Letoto, and it was hilariously awkward. I think it's fair to say we both blame your camera." -Catherine Huffman "You're going to die soon, anyway." -Rob Smythe, to Dr. Betts on Dr. Betts' birthday "I'll be away from my desk, invoking a John Maneuver." -Stephen Mobley "It's likely but unlikely." -Ben Hedrick "There are limits on what I will forge for you, Mr. Letoto." -Jessica Vaughn "The three worst words in the English language: 'As a brother.'" -Pablo Butterworth, discussing...well...duh "Well, it's not 'earlier' now, is it?" -Ben Hedrick "It's her boyfriend's car, actually. I'm a creep, aren't I?" -Anonymous male visiting from Hendersonville, when asked, "You know what car she drives?" "High-fructose corn syrup, here I come!" -Josh Reid "Man, she's finer than a frog hair!" -Josh Reid "I forgot 'go' starts with a 'g.'" -Heather Seagle "Where's my phone?" -Christin Simpson, while talking to me...on her phone "Aaahhh, the wisdom five sisters impart...I still get my kicks, but I don't get kicked." -Me "Yup. I get all dressed up to go to the grocery store or City Hall or whatever. It's kinda funny. If I'd done that during seminary I'd probably be married to a preacher-boy right now. Whew! That was a close call!" -Dana W "I don't want to see this on your blog." -Ryan Fullerton "John's a little coffee press, strong and brown. Here is his handle, here is his frown." -Ben Hedrick "Oh shutup, voicemail person!" -Stephen Mobley " 'P' as in 'purgatory.' " -Stephen Mobley, while on a sales call "You didn't make her cry, she chose to cry." -Stephen Mobley "Being older and still single makes you more single...more single than say, Katie Mohler." -Johanna Tollefson "You just called me a chunker!" -Christin Simpson "We're talking about logic and about the law of non-contradiction in Worldviews, and I'm pretty sure there's a law that says, 'If there's food being given away, and Letoto is present, then Letoto is eating.' " -Peter Sieg "My hips don't move; I'm a Baptist." -Christin Simpson "How do you end a call like that? 'Your cow's dead, call the paddywagon.' " -Christin Simpson "Yeah, the pee phrase kept coming out of order...something about how he peed in worship, it confused me." -Katie Mohler "Yes, I'm precious and all that." -Katie Mohler, on paternal emotions mixing with her college enrollment "Do you have a numerical number for that?" -Stephen Mobley "I like how we just had an extended conversation about Ryan's buttocks. Actually, I don't really like that." -Peter Sieg "That's Hawaiian Harassment, and I don't have to stand for it." -Stephen Mobley "Shipping will be extra to Hawai'i, Alaska, or any of the other non-contiguous U.S. states." -Stephen Mobley "In some northern countries, they can use their watches to tell the time." -Christin Simpson "They never know whether to come out the front or the back." -Jackson B. Riddle, on zits forming in his earlobes "I think Letoto needs to start calling Ben, 'Sugar'." -Andy Lowe "Could you translate that out of Letototian?" -Lauren Farmer "Tell me if Taryn's had any reading-books-about-boys-with-muscles moments lately." -Me "I will be back Tuesday, I'm looking forward to my spanking." -Michael Butterworth "She was bigger, so she was able to do stuff. No, she wasn't big-boned, she was Hispanic." -Ryan Szrama "More liquid in your system makes the boogers come out faster." -Allison Poplin "Mmm, Chapstick!" -Allison Poplin "It's like my car was trying to do a yoga pose...my car was doing a headstand in a ditch." -Christin Simpson "The first step is admitting you have a problem; the first step is admitting I'm a stupid haole." -Christine Robertson "I said 'teached,' man!" -Christin Simpson "I'm wondering how lucrative my five-star hotel will be on Mount Doom." -Pablo Butterworth, at the beginning of a game of LotR Monopoly "Oh! I didn't know you could get boils there!" -Thomas Amos "Actually, what I was thinking was, 'I wish Tina Crouse was a couple years older.' " -Anonymous "He's already got a girl. It ain't like she can't see he's fat!" -Me "Yes, Christopher, God will even raise you from the dung of a polar bear." -Dr. Mohler "I've got fans all over." -Lauren Farmer "I'm having my own personal hot flash right now." -Bobby House "Toto - The Kermit analogy fails because in this picture Kermit is actually with a woman!" -Dave Theobald, on why I couldn't be Kermit the Frog "Taryn Walker, Sarah Alliett, and one more big one I can't think of." -Pablo Butterworth "I mean are people thinking it'll up their chances of winning the Servant Towel award by taking me or something?" -Lauren Farmer, on the Spring Banquet "I'm not a liar...I just bend the truth without realizing it, that's all." -Christin Simpson "The mint is just a vehicle for the chocolate." -Emily O'Neal, on mint chocolate-chip ice cream "Oh, my arm pits are sweaty! They're sticky, and I don't like it at all!" -Amanda Ledbetter "I've been married for five years, and I think the gospel's way easier to understand." -Dr. Joslin, on women "One girl, six locations. That means she's either got a really active social life, or she's just fat." -Richard B. Hardison "You know what the worst game to play with my family is? Monopoly. Try getting a whole bunch of Jewish people together and see how that turns out." -Jon "Jew" Borofsky "Are you dressing Katie Mohler?" -R. Lauren Duncan "They asked you if you needed a nudge after they jostled you?" -Andrew "I get my vocabulary words from the President's speeches." -Michael Butterworth "I really like the smell of gasoline." -Katie Mohler "You know what I can't understand? People who come here to work out and take the elevator." -Bobby House "But if there was no Jesus, we would worship you." -Nick Crouse "Gomez, you're Hispanic?" -Matt Svoboda "'Shocking the glutes?' Did I just say something about his butt?" -Lauren Farmer "You know the party's gone south when you start singing Twila Paris on Karaoke." -Moon Pie Godfrey "It smells like armpit, it tastes like armpit, it is so gross!" -Lauren Farmer "I've had the passion, I just need the purity." -Emily Dick "I'm going to get ready and ask my wife, 'Do I look all right? Letoto's going to be there!'" -Warren Kesselring "I wake up each morning and think, 'What would Letoto wear?' and I put on lots of flannel." -Ricky Hardison "You're a collector's item. Why would they want to get rid of you?" -Sarah Cress "So for me, once they're out of the minor stage I can go for the young ones." -Christin Simpson "I pulled an SBTS and used a bunch of your pictures without asking...only it was on our blog, not a magazine. Thanks." -Emily O'Neal "I just wish I would have peed, I wish I would have, just that one time." -Taryn Walker "You and Rev on recruiting trips? I like that tactic; it's going to bring pretty, single girls to Boyce College." -Michael Butterworth "Little-known fact: clean boogers are actually white." -Cole Harper "I keep forgetting your hand is there. I'm like, 'Hello!'" -Emily Dick "I have boyish charm. Just 'cause I'm hairy doesn't mean I don't have boyish charm." -Jeff Pearson "If anyone ever thinks about buying a leather jacket from Wal-Mart, it's a bad idea." -David Borreson "Oh no. I just remembered I didn't flush their toilet this morning!" -Chriyus Davis "When she was pushing, and I saw the head coming out, I thought to myself, 'It'll be a miracle if she ever walks again.' " -Chriyus Davis "What's your type, Hawaiian? 'Cause it could be a while around here." -Lauren Farmer "I was trying to remember: did I forget, or did I never know?" -Andrew, talking about his father's birthday. "What do you mean we're going to be a big bump on the skin?" -Naomi, after Gary told her she was going to grow up warped, and she went to look up what he meant "Stop flashing everyone!" -Carla "I didn't know I was going to see everything!" -Carla, on being in the birthing room during a birth "Which would suck!" -Aaron Montgomery, in reply to my comment about his being in heaven...before his marriage "Have you heard about that new detergent for blacks?" -Alison Ostrander, meaning black clothes "I just realized how incredibly bad it looked that I knew there was a good tree to climb by Mullins." -Michael Butterworth "You know what I want to see you pull off? A jacket with boardshorts." -Scott O'Neal "It seemed like it was something that wasn't widely understood. Or maybe that was just because I was talking to Sean Malinger." -Andrew "And I didn't get stuck out the window, I was trying to see the stars!" -Emily Dick "Is Scott the white-haired guy?" -Brandon Stern "The only thing that's running through my head right now is that I really hope I don't fart." -Kristy White "Ok, I found my date. I call that mannequin." -Katy Cavaliere "I have those socks! But they don't go that high up on my legs." -Andrew "Stretch" Holley "And I wasn't eating ice cream, either. Don't tell her that." -Scott O'Neal "I would love to play with Rob Smythe because I would feel so smart." -Emily O'Neal, on playing Taboo "I had someone ask me, in class, in front of a whole bunch of people, why I wasn't married." -Christine Robertson "Let me rephrase that: A woman with a big ol' 'fro, not a big ol' woman with a 'fro." -Chriyus Davis "Let's talk about you sweating in the shape of a heart. I think that's romantic." -Lauren Farmer "We're sharing lunch now, and this is after your sweaty romantic activity." -Lauren Farmer "Huh...wow...well, it does bring to mind that sermon Dr. York preached toward the beginning of the semester, and in a not-so-abstract sense, you may have hit the skin on the head." -Me, to Matt Teves "Mmmmmmmmm, good morning, David Beckham!" -Kat Foxworth, to a picture on a wall in her hall...every morning "Who needs coffee in the morning when you've got David Beckham to wake you up, right? Just like coffee, he's strong and hot." -Me...to a flustered but nodding Kat "Who's the brown one?" -Emily O'Neal, when looking at a picture and forgetting a certain brown friend was at her family's house in Columbus "A world where John Letoto is embarrassed and doesn't know what to say or do is not a world I want to live in." -Michael Butterworth "Abby marches to the beat of her own flute." -Scott O'Neal "I love ultimate frisbee, it's my favorite of all the games. If I could, I would marry it, and I would be Mrs. Jennifer Frisbee." -Jennifer Miller "What's a 'good game'?" -Katie Mohler "Do you know what I used to do with this stuff when I was little? I used to give myself french manicures with it." -R. Lauren Duncan, while holding up a bottle of Liquid Paper "It's a good thing my kids aren't gonna have tails." -Trey Fuller "How do you think that small?" -Karis Land, when she saw my handwriting "I like to curl up in the bathroom." -Pablo Butterworth "I love the alphabet song, it's a universal song. Well, I guess it's not a universal song, it's in a different language." -R. Lauren Duncan "We're not dumb, we're secretaries at Boyce College!" -A.D. "I'm full and I'm dripping out all over the place." -Dr. Ewart, during a dorm meeting message "Sounds like a bladder control problem." -Heidi Marlene Johnson, in response to Dr. Ewart's statement during dorm meeting "Do girls just walk up to you and give you food?" -Sharon Rivers, while I was munching on some monkey bread from Casey Cashell "So he slept with me. It was kind of awkward." -R. Lauren Duncan, about...something "Dude! When we were talking, she wasn't looking...she was gazing!" -Boss "When it's just people being married, you can kind of dismiss it, but when there are babies growing inside of people...well that's just a different matter altogether." -Scott O'Neal "That's too much chocolate for you!" -Bobby House III "Dude, there's a lot of white people up here." -Kawika, on being in Indiana "This is great, I don't fall asleep here! There's just so much to grasp." -Sandi, on the sermons at their church "I miss you. Especially when I see a badly-dressed male." -Heidi Marlene Johnson "Actually, Kason may be following in your footsteps. Last night he had a thing tied around his head and went to sleep with it. You know, that ninja look." -Lisa, to me "You can't get hurt tonight, you're the only muscle we've got!" -A certain manager at a certain store "He's not the only guy, we have Alex. No, wait, Alex doesn't count. You're right, he is the only guy we've got." -A certain coworker at a certain store. "She's the manliest girl I know." -Christina Thompson "Now this is no knock on Ryan, but you're a much better looking guy than he is, and if he can get a girl, so can you. In fact, you're better looking than most of the guys here." -Nathan Fulllerton "Hey, she's a minority, you can marry her...you can make slanty-eyed kids together." -Scott O'Neal "How's the Letoto fan club going? You must have more fans now that Uch is off the market." -Goose "It was the hottest thing I've ever touched...it was as hot as the sun!" -Robbie Byrd, explaining why he dropped a plate "I just told Goose...the code word for 'gameover'...'Monopoly Man!'" -Me, to Leonard, during a conversation about their new endeavor to take over the airsoft world "You can take the John out of Government Service, but you can't get Government Service out of John." -Goose "Michelle and I have decided to renew your friendship for the next 12 months." -Goose "Use the phlegm, John, use the phlegm!" -Boss "How do I join the 'Poked by John Letoto' club? I don't even go to SBTS, and I'm plagued by the Totopokes." -Jeff Cavanaugh "Yeah. But you're a sophisticated jerk." -Kev, in response to my telling him that I'm a jerk "I thought about you the other day when I was organizing my shoes. No joke." -Joel Gasparotto, to me "No. But several kids." -Anonymous, in response to the question, "Does...have a love interest?" "I'm glad it's been a year since I stepped into your life and all sorts of craziness ensued. Wait. That didn't sound right..." -Me "I think these are unthawed." -Scott Bidwell, commenting on the uncooked chicken "You mean frozen?" -Matt Crawford, in response to Scott "Is Bert holding up his underwear?!?!?!" -Brent Gambrell, when Bert had washed off in the lake to get the mud out of his...underthings...since the mud was placed there by a certain Hawaiian "He's the closest thing to Black I got here!" -Trent Davis, a Cedarmore camper, commenting on how a certain Hawaiian was the most ethnically similar person at the camp "Nice body!" -Whitney McClain, to an anonymous Cedarmore male camper, after they collided at the volleyball net while going for the ball "I could take you...to a movie." -Another anonymous Cedarmore male camper, to Whitney, after she was explaining her mad basketball skills to the group of students present "It's my bladder!" -Jearf Johnson, when looking at his phone as it rang "John Letoto, you've got more politics than Episode I." -Pablo Butterworth, when discussing with me the possible (and impossible) relationships on campus, and the influence (real or imagined) I have upon them "At the wedding reception, I heard Stephen Curtis Chapman's I Will Be Here being played over the speakers. Typical christian wedding stuff, really. Then I heard the line that goes, 'I will be here, to watch you grow in beauty.' With my warped sense of humor firmly assessing its place in the world, my mind immediately translated that into, 'I will be here, to watch your growing booty...'" -Me "Ok, I think I'm going to go for a walk now. Are you at work? I'm asking you to take a walk with me...I thought I might drop your books off. I was making sure someone would be there if I did. I'm NOT, NOT asking you to take a walk with me. Oh my goodness! I just read what I wrote up there." -Sarah Cress, from a chat log with me over Instant Messenger "Here's what I think. If I'm a man, and my wife's a doctor, I golf every day." -Chriyus Davis, on how Andrew should spend his time in Pennsylvania "Did he sound winded?" -Will, after I got off the phone with Andrew...on a certain night... "Dude, I get paid to dig my nose!" -Boss "I don't do that, that would be too unmanly." -Anonymous Male, said while filing his nails "More of an acquired taste than kim chee." -Will, commenting on his appreciation for Hawaiian music "That's right...I think I should celebrate the day by getting slammed with Shirley Temples." -Christin Simpson "Thanks to you, I'm now known as 'the odds are good but the goods are odd' girl." -Christine Robertson, expressing her gratitude toward me for her blossoming reputation "Hurry, before the smears come out!" -Kason, commenting on his need to get to a bathroom stall "All right everybody, feel flee to crap your hands....wait" -Andrew Strickland, while leading worship "She's perfect! She's just like me; there's nothing wrong with her." -Lisa "I don't think he'll be spending any nights with you. He has a better bed partner now." -R. Lauren Duncan "I stole de baby from de stupid Daikini!" -One of the Brownies from Willow "I stole de baby from you while you were taking a pee-pee!" -Same Brownie "Oooohhh...your eyes...your whiskers...I want to kiss you!" -Drunk Brownie from Willow "No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher." -Gary "It's probably providential." -Chip Collins "One more wave." -Andrew, said while three fingers are held in the air "Well basically..." -James McCray "I wanted to burn the whole thing to the ground." -RAM, Jr. "If she's Princess Leia, you're the rogue scoundrel Han Solo stealing her away from all the decent guys." -Pablo Butterworth, said to me a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away "Young men, wholesome and gay. No, just wholesome." -Dr. Mohler "Hey! How are you doing?" -Rob Smythe "I have two local haole guy roommates who are super tall. I can stand on the bed and they are still taller than me. But at least I fit in the bathroom!" -Boss "So for the girls, there are only the big singles left?" -Aaron Filippone "The girls I'm most attracted to are always a lot like me." -Darren Thomas "Hairy in the face and chest?" -Me, in response to Darren "Oh, cuss word!" -Moon Pie "If you don't realize that Paul Butterworth is singing an 8 minute long karaoke, there's a lot of things you aren't going to realize." -Pablo Butterworth "These *are* my dress socks. They're clean." -Goose "Before the throne of God above..." -Jonathan Leeman...singing "I hope you sit next to a big, fat person on the airplane." -Michelle "Piss on a biscuit!" -Fritzy "I saw Toto, and he's black!" -R. Lauren Duncan "You know one day you're actually going to kill me, and I'll be laughing in heaven as they throw your butt in jail." -Pablo Butterworth "I couldn't have stood out more if I was riding a brontosaurus through there." -Jordan Cole "Can she have a man?" -Me, said to waitress, gesturing toward Poenie "I am irresistible to men..." -Poenie Tree "Rat has a goosebite! Rat has a goosebite! Rat has a goosebite!" -AJ, after Goose got a haircut with a nasty ratbite "Are you pouring some kind of cleaner on the floor where he farted?" -Tyler Ratliff "She shook his butt before she shook his hand!" -Me, on a certain young lady here at Boyce "Would you look at that BUTT?" -Pablo Butterworth "It hurt. I begged him to stop. I cried afterwards." -Pablo Butterworth "He speaks and it is as if a writer or poet is speaking to us, sentence fragments and all. He could totally destroy your life and you would love him for doing it. (Not that he goes around destroying lives or anything.)" -Mike Hilliard, speaking about the Token Hawaiian at Boyce "Paul, I think we should mate." -Katy Barnes, to a not so anoymous Boyce male during a game of Psychiatrist "You're classic, not metro." -Elizabeth Foster "I need ocean." -Me "Oh, I have some!" -R. Lauren Duncan, in response to me "Me not saying something and you not writing it down are two completely different things." -Dr. Draper "The entire night I just wanted to jump on those lips!" -Chris...something "I hated you when I first met you." -Scott O'Neal "Barring a lighting strike at the lottery we call, 'New Student Orientation'..." -Pablo Butterworth "Do you know why I'm taking his class? One of these days he's going to die teaching and I want to be there for it." -Pablo Butterworth "I have a man-crush on Tom Cruise." -Pablo Butterworth "I feel like the loose Jenga block that is easy to pull out." -Michael Butterworth "I was childish, foolish even. She makes me feel alive." -Allison Poplin, posing as Michael Butterworth "Hey John. How are you sexy? As in, 'How are you, sexy?' Not, 'How did you become sexy?' " -Pablo Butterworth "Stop vacuuming my crack!" -Chris Sellers "That's a hot outfit...Letoto, if you were any taller..." -Melissa Hermoso "You smell like my mom!" -Fritzy, to Banana Republic's favorite Red-Headed Stepchild "It's Allure for *men*, people!" -Banana Republic's favorite Red-Headed Stepchild "Oh Uncle Johnny, I didn't know you could look so handsome!" -Kayla, when looking at my Kindergarten picture...when I had hair "We don't want a lot of Scripture to bog us down." -Michael Butterworth "I would've introduced the front of my boot to his Specials." -Billy Reddick "You remind me of my friend Deanna; she's a female bodybuilder." -Kristina Pelhank, to me "I was taking down the donkey from the Nativity scene in our kitchen, and I thought to myself, 'If I drop the donkey on the floor and it breaks, then I can tell people that I broke my ass on the kitchen floor.' " -Pablo Butterworth "You see, the difference between me and you is my mouth gets me into trouble, and yours gets you out of it." -Aaron Coffey, to me "The Geisha sleep in certain positions so as not to disturb their elaborate hairdos, and that's what I was just doing." -Michael Butterworth "Excuse me, I do NOT have that much cellulite!" -Sarah El-Masri "I don't want to be tied down and have my time consumed by someone there to say, 'I love you,' to and having to hold hands and shop together and eat with and no one to hold and cuddle with. I can play XBox all night long, baby!" -Pablo Butterworth, said with biting sarcastic wit "Please stalk me at your earliest convienence." -Sarah Cress "There's a two year-old flirting with me!" -Ashlea Davenport "I used to have a neck, then something happened." -Bobby House "Can I buy three blacks from you?" -Pablo Butterworth "Finally, I got up and read my bible; I figured that would put me to sleep." -Chip Collins "You're the ugly girl!" -Candace Boyd "No, I don't have a jackhammer or an 18-wheeler, but I bet John Moody does...or at least, John Moody knows someone who does!" -Scott O'Neal and me "I grew up with that but in Spanish." -Liz Mejia "One day the three of us will be married!" -R. Lauren Duncan "We're Portuguese, so we're kinda hairy. But this guy was like a bear! I had to check the filters after he got out of the pool! And, he was BIG!" -Matty Teves "Noses and ears never stop growing; you're in for a treat, Pablo." -Me, to Pablo Butterworth "And who brought Taryn Walker to Boyce College? That's right...............the Holy Spirit." -Pablo Butterworth, implying..................something "That's a good length, that's pettable." -R. Lauren Duncan, while petting my head "There's small, there's large, and there's John Letoto Size." -Kristy Miller "Uncle Johnny I love you! I'm licking your eyeball!" -Kason, just after my sister told him that it was time to get ready for bed and that he had to tell his Uncle Johnny "goodnight," but just before he licked the phone so as to pretend to lick my eyeball "Mr. Herringbone understands." -Katie Mohler "Corn?!?!?!?! When did I eat corn?" -Anonymous man in public bathroom, heard by Dr. Rainer, re-told by Katie Mohler "Whenever I want to find you on Facebook, I just do a search and type in, 'butt,' and you come up." -Me, to Pablo Butterworth "The chocolate chip in the cookie." -Leonard, in reference to my tan in comparison with the rest of our family "I told Kris I felt like a banana in a bowl of milk." -Leonard, in reference to playing poker in Las Vegas at a table with 8 white guys "I promise, I really did check him out before I started dating him!" -Jewel Graham, on a supposed background spirituality check gone...uhhh...obviously nowhere "So I was typing to you and there was dead silence on the phone and forgot I was on the phone with my mom and she randomly started talking and it startled me." -Sarah Cress "Who's the one whose name begins with a 'J' and ends with an 'N'?" -R. Lauren Duncan "Jane!" -Katie Mohler, in response to R. Lauren Duncan "I went sniffing once." -Katie Mohler "Can you use that in a definition?" -Sarah Cress "Go shopping with him and you'll never be satisfied with another man's shopping again." -R. Lauren Duncan "They had her fork here and I ate it." -R. Lauren Duncan "What's a thesaurus? Is it like a dinosaur?" -R. Lauren Duncan "Every outfit you wear is a statement." -Scott O'Neal "Do you guys have a money-changer in the temple?" -Pablo Butterworth, inquiring as to the whereabouts of an ATM at Southeast Christian Church "He likes to sit in my drawers." -R. Lauren Duncan "It's like the military here, I have to say, 'Yes, sir!' to my roommate." -James Losey, about me "I can't believe you said 'makeout' in front of my mom!" -Heidi Marlene Johnson "I live for embarrassing my friends; that, and Jesus." -Me "I'm gonna go to the bathroom and fill up this water bottle. Not in that order." -Pablo Butterworth "I eat soap for breakfast." -Sarah Cress "I like your hair. It's all going to burn in the end, anyway." -Rob Smythe "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." -Christine Robertson, on Southern Seminary's relational prospects "Puritan Paperbacks? Sounds like a football team or something." -Janal Prybys "More than enough Torneros to go around; that's a good thing." -Pablo Butterworth "I'm a Samaritan; shun me! Just meet me at the well at 3 o'clock." -Dan Mack, who is half-Jewish "This is the first time she's been publicly traded on the Girl Exchange, and her stock has gone sky-high." -Pablo Butterworth, talking about a certain Boyce College...person "Hold me like you used to." -Pablo Butterworth...Boyce male who's never dated "This isn't fair--Prybys only got on your wall of quotes because pretty much anything that proceeds from her mouth is notably retarded." -Jessica Cimato "And afterwards, we're going to play Balderdash." -Brooke Anderson, to Bobby Wood "Oh, I love that movie!" -Bobby Wood, in response to Brooke Anderson "They have male stores?" -Katie Mohler "She looks like...uhhh...some sort of stuffed animal." -R. Lauren Duncan "You're just upset because you can't put that on Facebook." -Michael Butterworth "Yes, it's my purse." -James Losey "There's a stomach virus going around, and every girl on my hall has been inflicted with The Terror!" -Kristina Pelhank "You're like a reality t.v. show...I want to turn the channel and walk away, but for some strange reason, I can't." -Sarah Cress "John gave me a good wedgie." -Pablo Butterworth "I won't say whoooole falsehoods..." -Scott O'Neal, implying that partial falsehoods are ok "I own too many nice ties not to go to the Spring Banquet." -Michael Butterworth "God blessed me with great hair; I'm counting on that to bring me true love." -Michael Butterworth "This song was written for my future wife...which is none of you." -Rob Smythe "Next year you'll be in the zoo." -Josh Mimbs, to Aaron Coffey "I hope I don't get married 'til I'm in grad school so I can pick up undergrad chicks, too." -Michael Butterworth "I have a new vein on my leg. I feel like an old woman...one of those blue nasty ones." -R. Lauren Duncan, who was referring to the vein, not to an old woman, when speaking of it being blue and nasty "Are you even there listening to my pitiful pleas?" -R. Lauren Duncan "May it not be said of me, 'Methinks she doth protest too much', because really I'm just raising a voice for all of us you choose to mercilessly poke numerous times throughout the day." -Jessica Cimato "'Cause all my good-looking genes can't override someone who's ugly." -R. Lauren Duncan "I have some ligament in the car." -R. Lauren Duncan "I lost it from all the throwing up I did." -R. Lauren Duncan "He's a Filipino knockoff!" -David Brandt, commenting on me "No, I'm just occasionally superficial...but not vain!" -Chris Sellers "You're a rent-a-cop? Can I rent you?" -Sarah El-Masri, to me "You know, if you keep breathing like that when I talk to you about girls, you're never going to get married." -Me, to Pablo Butterworth "I don't sleep with him any more...John, he's older than me, he's older than you." -Pablo Butterworth, in reference to his Zoomer "She's not the kind of guy you'd go for." -Me "I can't explain the honor of having two quotes on your profile. It gives one the sense that they are going to be somebody. Wow." -Jessica Cimato, to me "From this angle, I can see everything!" -Michael Butterworth, commenting on my shirt "Can I suck some of your blood so that I can be a pirate?" -R. Lauren Duncan, to me "If I was bored and had a lot of spare time, I would count how many pictures of Lauren Duncan I had on my computer." -Pablo Butterworth "You are not going to put that on Facebook!" -Pablo Butterworth "I don't feel comfortable with you saying that and wearing those shorts." -Nick Crouse "They're *macadamia* nuts!" -Ryan Travis "Hey, Lance was telling me about this job at the hospital. They charge you nine dollars an hour!" -Brian Buck "Do you think they slimmed your dad down for that picture?" -Ryan Szrama to Katie Mohler, in reference to the portrait in Heritage Hall "Are you ok? I just wet my pants." -R. Lauren Duncan "I just want to marry a pastor." -Blind Brandon