Smeagol is Free! A hermitudinal view of...stuff...

3.31.2006   Hogwarts and Southern Seminary I have a confession to make. This is one I probably would have been a little appalled and somewhat ashamed to make several years ago. Today, however, this confession comes with nary a bit of seared conscience, nor even the tiniest portion of hesitance. The baring of my soul reveals this: I like the Harry Potter movies. The little boy in me is quite taken with the idea of going away to school, to learn at an educational institute in some strange and faraway land where the stars are strange and the customs of the accent-bearing natives are even stranger. Wait a second... I suppose that comparing Hogwarts to Boyce College and Southern Seminary would border on heresy in the minds of more than a few staunch SBC fundmamentalists, yet that is precisely what I'm doing. After all, it seems to me that those at Hogwarts, much like those at Boyce and Southern, are well aware that they are among those who have received a special calling, an invitation to a life dedicated to a specific purpose. As such, that calling entails a training of no less a dedication and purpose. Furthermore, if one is given the opportunity to tour the little campus in Louisville, there is no doubt that those involved with Boyce and Southern are, as our esteemed President often reminds us, standing on the shoulders of giants. That is what it is to study at an institution such as this; I do not doubt that Harry Potter would nod his head in understanding. But what of it? What of our education and preparation for life and ministry? Several years ago, when Leeman was still here, Scott and I were discussing the ministry potential of one of our fellow Boyce students. Scott told me that this student had come up in discussion with Leeman, and that the two of them were concerned. Why so? As I recall, the young man in question had displayed a distinct lack of good Christian maturity on more than one occasion. In fact, what seemed to be the consitent factor in his life was the inconsistency with which he displayed godly character. The reason that Scott brought this up to me in particular was because he felt a responsibility for this young man and wanted to ask me to share in his burden. As those who are training for ministry, those who are Christ's body and members one of the other, we have a sober and humble responsibility to watch over our brothers, particularly those who are training for and are in ministry with us. Scott and I were of a like mind, thinking that if we saw this young man's character as being in need of molding and shaping and did nothing to address this need, we were in sin. If we saw this need and did nothing, and this young man went on to full-time vocational ministry somewhere, what type of fruit would his ministry bear? Would he remain faithful, would he be fruitful? Worse, would he do damage to human hearts, all in the name of Jesus? If we thought about all of this and did nothing, what type of damage might we be doing? These days, I still think about that young man. I think about him for different reasons those that brought Scott to me. I ponder how close I come to being like him, in the sense that I also have a great potential to affect people in life, in minstry. Will that affect be such that people see and savor Christ all the more, or that they turn away from Him in bitterness and confusion? I don't know the answer to that yet, but I do know this: as much as that young man showed such an agonizing lack of potential for the good of the Kingdom, I sincerely pray that God uses that young man in many powerful, God-glorifying, Kingdom-building ways. Wouldn't that be amazing? Isn't it wonderful to think that the LORD would take a life that didn't belong, one of those lives that was not like the others, and make it beautiful and unquestioningly His? Absolutely. In my time here in Louisville, I've learned many things. Many of those things I would probably never have learned had I not come. Yet, there's an inherent danger in training at a place like Boyce. I forget that I don't belong; none of us do. At least, we don't belong on our own merit. To serve King Jesus is to respond to a call to serve in the strength of His glorious, gracious might. As John Newton wrote, "'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home." Grace! There is no room for pride, no room for assuming that I will succeed where another will fail. The biblical list of heroism does not include individuals who were born winners; if anything, they were people whose pedigree was questionable, whose accomplishments were negligible. And in those instances where pedigree and accomplishments were of worldly worth, God made it abundantly clear in the crucible of humiliating discipline that it is His hand that truly does save. So it is here at Boyce. Those of us who are brought here have, by and large, no pedigree or accomplishments to back our calling. Those of us who do will be marked as His by the gracious, shaping suffering that the followers of Christ are given to share in. Is it exciting to be called to ministry, to be granted to share in a sacred, high calling? Absolutely. Is it humbling? It ought to be...for it is a calling wherein Jesus calls us to come and die. Such it is train, to prepare here at Boyce and Southern. It's far more special than Hogwarts, but it's just as easy to get caught up in the fantasy. posted by Bolo | 12:24 PM 0 speakage 3.30.2006   A Three Hour... The temperature was somewhere around 75 degrees today. That, my friends, is shorts and t-shirt weather. Woohoo! I was so excited about the forecast that while I was leaving work at 7 AM, I decided I'd take advantage of the glorious, unclouded canopy above me and go take some pictures in Cherokee Park and the surrounding area. With that decision firmly set in my resolutely adventurous and inspired mind, I drove back to campus, parked my car, walked into my dorm room to change, took off my jacket, lay down to take a load off of my weary feet for a moment or two... And woke up three hours later. So much for ambition, eh? posted by Bolo | 9:32 PM 3 speakage 3.29.2006   Sooner Rather Than Later Mon told me today that she and Dave will probably be leaving in about two and a half weeks. That's much sooner than previously anticipated. *Sigh*. posted by Bolo | 10:03 PM 3 speakage   Random Ridiculousness Yesterday was one of those days that was...oh...very random-seeming. Lots and lots of random happenstance to whittle away at an otherwise busy schedule, and not a lot in my brain can explain why. In light of that, I've decided to let you, my sometimes adoring public, in on these little tidbits of my largely inconsequential life. R. called me around three-ish in the afternoon. She was quite excited, claiming that she'd made a 98 on her Worldviews II exam. R. being R., she said that her mommy told her to go celebrate with people. I am people. Therefore, she called me to celebrate. We went to get some ice cream and pie at the Homemade Pie & Ice Cream Kitchen. Lovely little place, that. Anyway, she said that she'd tried calling Emily about fifteen different times to let her know of her academic success, but Emily hadn't picked up. I asked with a smirkish sort of humor, "Wouldn't it be funny if I called her and she picked up when I called?" After several rings, the esteemed Mrs. O'Neal picked up :) A certain young lady attending Boyce College is currently engaged to a certain young man who used to attend Boyce College. This young man has a last name that is, without a doubt, difficult to spell and pronounce if one is not used to such tongue-twisting. Well, last night I was informed that when this young lady had first met this young man waaaaaay back in the Fall 2004 semester, she was so smitten with him that she almost immediately taught herself to spell his highly discombobulating surname both forwards and backwards, with the hope of it eventually becoming her name as well! Impressive as this may be, it is without a doubt just as hilarious that this young lady still could not pronounce his last name properly, even after knowing him for two months. And no, his last name is not spelled H - O - T - T. posted by Bolo | 3:19 PM 5 speakage 3.28.2006   Word 2 Corinthians 1:12 For our proud confidence is this: the testimmony of our conscience, that in holiness and godly sincerity, not in fleshly wisdom but in the grace of God, we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially toward you. Romans 12:9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. John 17:22, 23 "The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me." There's nothing overtly obvious, at least not to me, that ties these verses together. Nothing, that is, save the fact that when I think of the unity we have as believers in Christ, the stark truth of God's word makes me squirm. Do I love without hypocrisy? Do I, as Paul exhorts the Romans in the same passage, give preference to others? How do I conduct myself toward my brothers and sisters: in holiness and godly sincerity, and that by the strength granted by grace, or by my own foolish fleshly wisdom? Do I truly see other believers as those with whom I am one body, with Christ as our head? If so, do I conduct myself in the light of that truth? Or do I seek to deceive and break down my own body, rather that build it up? Is my desire to be perfected in unity, to be one, just as Christ is one with the Father? *Sigh*...that's such a high calling...one that looks insurmountable more often than not. If anything, I write this because I'm a horrible failure at loving. The adjectives are many, yet they are true: selfish, arrogant, prideful, disdainful, conceited, uncaring...the list goes on. Yet that is only one list. Just as true are others far more hopeful: holy, blameless, justified, righteous, loving, sanctified, kind...and more. It's easy for me to become overly introspective and forget that I am indeed changed, that I am truly united with Christ. The life He calls us to is costly, as Bonhoeffer said it is. Such a cost calls me to die to my own pleasures, to mortify those pleasures which are rooted in the self and not in Christ. They call me to a greater pleasure, that of being in union with Christ, and one with His body. posted by Bolo | 3:47 PM 0 speakage   Missing Kewalo's I was sitting in the Student Life office on Friday, waiting to leave for the Spring Retreat. After doing the standard Facebook poking, blogging, and e-mail checking, I went to check on the local newspapers at home. The Star Bulletin had a link that I clicked on, something about local photography. What came up was an image that made me instantaneously homesick, and horribly so. The photograph showed a little boy at Kewalo's, walking on the short pillars just in front of the wall. I clicked on the high-res link and proceeded to stare at it in a deeply distracted, melancholy longing. Pablo came in, Sweet Tea came in, and neither of them came anywhere close to understanding why I was staring at a picture of the ocean. Little did they know that I was naming the breaks in my mind, thinking about the hundreds of times I've paddled out through those channels or just sat on the wall in quiet contemplation. It was almost like some complete stranger coming up to me on the street and showing me a picture of the neighborhood I grew up in; I didn't expect it, but as soon as I saw it, all the dormant memories of Kewalo's came flooding back to the forefront of my thoughts and emotions. Sunset after sunset played through my mind, much like sunlight plays through the shallow ocean water and dances upon the sand and reef below. Even more beautiful than seeing the sun from the water at Kewalo's was seeing the sun from under the water at Kewalo's. The sound of the waves crashing, both onto the rocks in front of the wall and all around me in the ever-closing hollow of a tube: they echoed in my mind. I could almost feel the tingly warmth of the sun as I would dry off after a long session in the water, or even the prickly cold of a first duck-dive under the water during the long paddle out. Then there's the smell of the flowers gently and soothingly intermingled with the smell of salty ocean air: it's one of those things that stays the same, even if I don't. Of course, how could I ever forget the taste? It was inevitable that some ocean water would go down my esophagus, ingested through either my nostrils or my mouth. Some days it seemed I swallowed so much salt water that the back of my throat was scratched raw; I'd give a lot to have that scratched-up and raw feeling right now. But most of all is the knowledge that Kewalo's was, as much as it could possibly be, mine...ours. I knew what the channels, currents, and tides were like. We all did; still do. More than that, though, was the overwhelming feeling that it knew us, because we belonged. There's a lot I could tell you about that small strip of land and ocean on the South Shore. To do so almost always makes me happy. But for a brief moment of time last Friday, I didn't want to say a thing about it; that's how much it hurt. posted by Bolo | 2:04 AM 3 speakage 3.27.2006   Search Parameters As a handful of you know, I use a third-party company to log the statistics on this blog. One of those stats lets me know if someone followed a link to my blog from another website. If so, I can see which website someone came in from. That being the case, it occasionally happens that some individual, for whatever reason, finds my blog via search engine. Usually the search parameters will include my name, or less frequently, someone else's name. One such occurance was yesterday. The person used Google to do a web search, and these were the search parameters: Mullins residents who spell Micah Revell's name like this: H - O - T - T ... That's what the searchee entered into that little search box. I'm not making this up. The stat log doesn't lie (unlike one Mullins resident I know of). Sorry, Rev...your legend grows! posted by Bolo | 2:37 PM 0 speakage   Not So Manic Monday It's a little past 8 on a Monday morning. I'm awake, and have been so for nearly an hour and a half at this point. I don't wake up early for just anything, but getting together with Chriyus at Java was more than ample reason to forego a greater degree of uninterrupted rest. When he picked me up, I told him I needed him to tell me of the gospel, because my soul desperately needed it. Still does, as a matter of fact. We spent nearly an hour talking about our lives and the neverending need to be saved from our sin and the wretchedness it colors our lives with. When I look back over times like those, I sometimes realize with awe and wonder that the Lord has not only ordained such moments, not only rejoices over our souls as we speak sweet and savory things of Him, but has granted sinners like us a righteousness in Christ that did not change one bit from before I got into the car with Chriyus to after I got out. posted by Bolo | 8:16 AM 0 speakage 3.26.2006   Retreat...Outside Despite my weariness, I was still more than happy to be able to be outside, walking along a muddy bank, hearing leaves crunch under my shoes, and having my senses perceive things that are alive. Or in some cases, decomposing ;) posted by Bolo | 8:01 PM 1 speakage   Grouchy Old Man I was a grouch. A melancholy, cantankerous, stubborn, contrary, incorrigibly grouchy old man. And I knew exactly why. To be fair, I was exhausted. I'd not slept much all week, and usually, when the weekend hits, I have more than just a little time to get away from the proverbial maddening crowd duing my solitudinous 12 hour security shift on Saturdays. This weekend, however, granted no such quarter. I pondered this irony with just a tinge of frustration, as this was supposed to be a retreat: a time to relax, rejuvenate, and refocus on Jesus. By the end of our time there yesterday, I was more than ready to get back just to get away from getting away from it all. And I knew exactly why. This was the third such Spring Retreat that Boyce College has had at Country Lake Christian Retreat Center, and my fourth overall. The retreats prior to this one were all very memorable, if for varying reasons. The one we had my first semester at Boyce is where I recall meeting Scott O'Neal; he, however, vividly and vehemently claims to remember seeing me before then at my Orientation, where he thought I was going to be, as he fondly terms it, "the new trouble kid." The Spring Retreats that followed spawned such memories as the infamous game of Steal the Bacon, Capture the Flag, Eric Yeldell's wooing of Kristin, Leeman's moronic morning run, and more. In looking back over Spring Retreats past and reminiscing on all the goodness that's gone by, I can't help but feel as though I wasn't entirely there this time around. And I know exactly why. I had dinner with Scott and Emily last night at Cracker Barrel. It was good to be with close friends after such an agoraphobic weekend; even better that it was Scott and Emily. When they asked me how the weekend went, I took a little time to reminisce with Scott about some of our exploits on prior retreats...getting lost together, Leeman's stupid morning run, trying to overcome Moon Pie's Cheek of Immovability in Steal the Bacon, and more. After several laughs, I told them that I was a melancholy wreck the whole weekend, wanting desperately to escape and be off by myself, yet knowing that I couldn't ditch out on the program just because I was tired, pouty, and having Scott Withdrawals. He understood; so much of our lives here have been predicated upon the unspoken understanding that we would be, if given the choice, Scott and Toto. And we knew exactly why. Whenever we had Focus, we'd go off on our own to pray, just like we always did on Mondays after Dorm Meeting; the Hurstbourne McDonald's was where we'd drive to juuuuuust before curfew so we could acquire ice cream cones; our respective rooms on campus was where the other was always welcome, no questions asked, no explanation needed. While we never broke any of the rules outright, we did rewrite a few of them, and when that wouldn't quite suit our purposes, we somehow got permission to dispense with the need to obey a specific rule for a brief moment of time ;) But our understanding of one another has gone much deeper than mere moments and memories. It was an understanding of who Christ was and is and forever will be, and knowing that the LORD has graciously granted us something rare and precious in being able to behold His Son in much the same fashion, over and over and over again. At that little retreat center in Indiana, I kept pondering that in my mind. In the midst of telling Scott and Emily all about my grouchiness, we continually laughed at my plight. It was far from a somber evening; quite the contrary, I had more laughs last night than I'd had all week. The beauty of having dinner with them was that all the wretchedness of being on the retreat without Scott was suddenly removed. And they knew exactly why. posted by Bolo | 5:23 PM 0 speakage   One More Thing... Remnants from Boyce College's Spring Retreat, Spring 2006... posted by Bolo | 12:03 AM 2 speakage Dell Coupons		Daily Coffee Sweet Maria's James Hoffmann Theologous Desiring God Ministries Monergism Discerning Reader Albert Mohler, Jr. Russell Moore 9 Marks Play Jock Think Laugh Foxtrot User Friendly Learn National Geographic Geek out. Again.   Read Paint Prayer Pleasures Commune Galactic Wabbit Great Listen Jack Finished Discover Tones of Fleck Step In the Arms Smashing Thinking Visualize Facebook Albums (Updated 3/21/2007) Blogging Buddies Homeage Gary Uch Boss Kev Goose Mark Rich Sanchez Mon & Dave Leo Barb Brit The 'Villeage O'Neals Jim Hilliard Pablo Butterworth the Younger Nikki Lefty Ashlea Parris Cavies Calvinaugh Weenie & Elizabeth Owen T4G Tim Bob Josh Christman Szrama Ryherd Brandt Hutch FYI FYI TV CMac Maiden Dana Dubya Old School Memories Faith... Wonder... Empty Snaps Manna The Misses Character Me Me Bug Me smeagolisfree@gmail.com AIM: MrToto2U Facebook Yore 03.2003 / 04.2003 / 05.2003 / 06.2003 / 07.2003 / 08.2003 / 09.2003 / 10.2003 / 11.2003 / 12.2003 / 01.2004 / 02.2004 / 03.2004 / 04.2004 / 05.2004 / 06.2004 / 07.2004 / 08.2004 / 09.2004 / 10.2004 / 11.2004 / 12.2004 / 01.2005 / 02.2005 / 03.2005 / 04.2005 / 05.2005 / 06.2005 / 07.2005 / 08.2005 / 09.2005 / 10.2005 / 11.2005 / 12.2005 / 01.2006 / 02.2006 / 03.2006 / 04.2006 / 05.2006 / 06.2006 / 07.2006 / 08.2006 / 09.2006 / 10.2006 / 11.2006 / 12.2006 / 01.2007 / 02.2007 / 03.2007 / 04.2007 / 05.2007 / 06.2007 / 07.2007 / 08.2007 / 09.2007 / 10.2007 / 11.2007 / 12.2007 / 01.2008 / 02.2008 / 03.2008 / 04.2008 / 05.2008 / 06.2008 / 07.2008 / 08.2008 / 09.2008 / 10.2008 / 11.2008 / 12.2008 / 01.2009 / 02.2009 / 03.2009 / 04.2009 / 05.2009 / 06.2009 / 07.2009 / 08.2009 / 09.2009 / Factuality I've got a brother and five sisters. The irony in that? I've got five nephews and two nieces. Quotatious "I don't know what that means, but because I'm a Mac owner, I do it." -Ryan Szrama "I'm trying to be regenerate." -Ivy Warriner "Pink is pink. Peach is not pink." -Janet McClurg, in response to her color-changing husband "How many dumps did I have to take today? I took a lot of dumps today." -John Michael LaRue, talking about ultimate "I hired a campaign manager to win the Servant Towel award. People like that don't deserve to win it." -Michael Butterworth "I don't think I could quite drop the "Mohler" no matter how many marriages I go through." -Katie Mohler "However, in hindsight, I think it might have been better to have told him in front of John MacArthur, so that dad would just say, 'Grace to you.'" -Katie Mohler, on the spillage of the beanage concerning a little incident which we do not name "He told me, 'Look, we won't be remembering this at your thirtieth wedding anniversary. And yes, I'll be around then. I'll be ninety, but I'll be around.' And I said, 'Are you telling me I won't get married for twelve more years?'" -Katie Mohler, on conversing with her father "So basically, his name is Big Joe Danka." -Aaron Ruszkiewicz, on little Magnus' naming "Ok, he walks loudly." -Katie Mohler, on how exactly her father "runs" "Of course I start to breathe after somebody passed gas." -Ryan Szrama "I have a way with old women." -Josh Reid "Jeesh just told a story about being hit on by an old lady." -Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey "It wasn't sweet, it was creepy." -Michael McCollum, on why the Sunergos Sweet 'Stache Discount wasn't given "I'm like a fountain of wit...or the fertilizer of said fountain." -Katie Mohler "Holy crap...we lost 99 - 48 in the season opener? I see they stopped worrying about updating the score list." -Ryan Szrama, commenting on his alma mater's basketball team "What can go wrong on Appreciate a Dragon Day?" -Lori Wanman "Do you enjoy making people feel retarded? You behave like that is your job in life." -Jessica Cimato "Stephen sounds so smart when he's on the phone; what happens when he hangs up?" -Peter Sieg "Well, I've got a lot of Facebook friend requests." -Andy McClurg, responding to an inquiry on how his first three months of pastoring at IBC have been "If you were mooned while you were marooned, you would be a mooned marooned Moon." -Michael Jenkins "Can we call you 'Special Dark'?" -Stephen Mobley "Extra-skinny h2o, half-steam half-ice, no whip." -Me, on how to order water at Starbucks "It's you to an unsanctified T." -Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey "It's like a workout, having a conversation with you." -Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey "I shot the French Press..." -Ben Hedrick, sung to the tune of I Shot the Sheriff "Hey, thrower thrower thrower...hey, thrower thrower thrower...huck thrower, huck! Huck thrower huck!" -Off White "Well, you're her boss, and she's your...your...your whatever!" -Anonymous, talking to a guy about his girlfriend "It's hard to fill a gas tank on the shoulder of the interstate in 4-inch heels while someone is mocking you with a camera, but that's what happens when you don't think the gas gauge 'really means it yet.'" -Catherine Huffman "It's been a while since I took Geometry. It's been even longer since you took Geometry." -Peter Sieg, to me "You know what else is strange? Looking at a total stranger who looks totally familiar, then comparing life stories only to realize that you are the only common link. It was six degrees of John Letoto, and it was hilariously awkward. I think it's fair to say we both blame your camera." -Catherine Huffman "You're going to die soon, anyway." -Rob Smythe, to Dr. Betts on Dr. Betts' birthday "I'll be away from my desk, invoking a John Maneuver." -Stephen Mobley "It's likely but unlikely." -Ben Hedrick "There are limits on what I will forge for you, Mr. Letoto." -Jessica Vaughn "The three worst words in the English language: 'As a brother.'" -Pablo Butterworth, discussing...well...duh "Well, it's not 'earlier' now, is it?" -Ben Hedrick "It's her boyfriend's car, actually. I'm a creep, aren't I?" -Anonymous male visiting from Hendersonville, when asked, "You know what car she drives?" "High-fructose corn syrup, here I come!" -Josh Reid "Man, she's finer than a frog hair!" -Josh Reid "I forgot 'go' starts with a 'g.'" -Heather Seagle "Where's my phone?" -Christin Simpson, while talking to me...on her phone "Aaahhh, the wisdom five sisters impart...I still get my kicks, but I don't get kicked." -Me "Yup. I get all dressed up to go to the grocery store or City Hall or whatever. It's kinda funny. If I'd done that during seminary I'd probably be married to a preacher-boy right now. Whew! That was a close call!" -Dana W "I don't want to see this on your blog." -Ryan Fullerton "John's a little coffee press, strong and brown. Here is his handle, here is his frown." -Ben Hedrick "Oh shutup, voicemail person!" -Stephen Mobley " 'P' as in 'purgatory.' " -Stephen Mobley, while on a sales call "You didn't make her cry, she chose to cry." -Stephen Mobley "Being older and still single makes you more single...more single than say, Katie Mohler." -Johanna Tollefson "You just called me a chunker!" -Christin Simpson "We're talking about logic and about the law of non-contradiction in Worldviews, and I'm pretty sure there's a law that says, 'If there's food being given away, and Letoto is present, then Letoto is eating.' " -Peter Sieg "My hips don't move; I'm a Baptist." -Christin Simpson "How do you end a call like that? 'Your cow's dead, call the paddywagon.' " -Christin Simpson "Yeah, the pee phrase kept coming out of order...something about how he peed in worship, it confused me." -Katie Mohler "Yes, I'm precious and all that." -Katie Mohler, on paternal emotions mixing with her college enrollment "Do you have a numerical number for that?" -Stephen Mobley "I like how we just had an extended conversation about Ryan's buttocks. Actually, I don't really like that." -Peter Sieg "That's Hawaiian Harassment, and I don't have to stand for it." -Stephen Mobley "Shipping will be extra to Hawai'i, Alaska, or any of the other non-contiguous U.S. states." -Stephen Mobley "In some northern countries, they can use their watches to tell the time." -Christin Simpson "They never know whether to come out the front or the back." -Jackson B. Riddle, on zits forming in his earlobes "I think Letoto needs to start calling Ben, 'Sugar'." -Andy Lowe "Could you translate that out of Letototian?" -Lauren Farmer "Tell me if Taryn's had any reading-books-about-boys-with-muscles moments lately." -Me "I will be back Tuesday, I'm looking forward to my spanking." -Michael Butterworth "She was bigger, so she was able to do stuff. No, she wasn't big-boned, she was Hispanic." -Ryan Szrama "More liquid in your system makes the boogers come out faster." -Allison Poplin "Mmm, Chapstick!" -Allison Poplin "It's like my car was trying to do a yoga pose...my car was doing a headstand in a ditch." -Christin Simpson "The first step is admitting you have a problem; the first step is admitting I'm a stupid haole." -Christine Robertson "I said 'teached,' man!" -Christin Simpson "I'm wondering how lucrative my five-star hotel will be on Mount Doom." -Pablo Butterworth, at the beginning of a game of LotR Monopoly "Oh! I didn't know you could get boils there!" -Thomas Amos "Actually, what I was thinking was, 'I wish Tina Crouse was a couple years older.' " -Anonymous "He's already got a girl. It ain't like she can't see he's fat!" -Me "Yes, Christopher, God will even raise you from the dung of a polar bear." -Dr. Mohler "I've got fans all over." -Lauren Farmer "I'm having my own personal hot flash right now." -Bobby House "Toto - The Kermit analogy fails because in this picture Kermit is actually with a woman!" -Dave Theobald, on why I couldn't be Kermit the Frog "Taryn Walker, Sarah Alliett, and one more big one I can't think of." -Pablo Butterworth "I mean are people thinking it'll up their chances of winning the Servant Towel award by taking me or something?" -Lauren Farmer, on the Spring Banquet "I'm not a liar...I just bend the truth without realizing it, that's all." -Christin Simpson "The mint is just a vehicle for the chocolate." -Emily O'Neal, on mint chocolate-chip ice cream "Oh, my arm pits are sweaty! They're sticky, and I don't like it at all!" -Amanda Ledbetter "I've been married for five years, and I think the gospel's way easier to understand." -Dr. Joslin, on women "One girl, six locations. That means she's either got a really active social life, or she's just fat." -Richard B. Hardison "You know what the worst game to play with my family is? Monopoly. Try getting a whole bunch of Jewish people together and see how that turns out." -Jon "Jew" Borofsky "Are you dressing Katie Mohler?" -R. Lauren Duncan "They asked you if you needed a nudge after they jostled you?" -Andrew "I get my vocabulary words from the President's speeches." -Michael Butterworth "I really like the smell of gasoline." -Katie Mohler "You know what I can't understand? People who come here to work out and take the elevator." -Bobby House "But if there was no Jesus, we would worship you." -Nick Crouse "Gomez, you're Hispanic?" -Matt Svoboda "'Shocking the glutes?' Did I just say something about his butt?" -Lauren Farmer "You know the party's gone south when you start singing Twila Paris on Karaoke." -Moon Pie Godfrey "It smells like armpit, it tastes like armpit, it is so gross!" -Lauren Farmer "I've had the passion, I just need the purity." -Emily Dick "I'm going to get ready and ask my wife, 'Do I look all right? Letoto's going to be there!'" -Warren Kesselring "I wake up each morning and think, 'What would Letoto wear?' and I put on lots of flannel." -Ricky Hardison "You're a collector's item. Why would they want to get rid of you?" -Sarah Cress "So for me, once they're out of the minor stage I can go for the young ones." -Christin Simpson "I pulled an SBTS and used a bunch of your pictures without asking...only it was on our blog, not a magazine. Thanks." -Emily O'Neal "I just wish I would have peed, I wish I would have, just that one time." -Taryn Walker "You and Rev on recruiting trips? I like that tactic; it's going to bring pretty, single girls to Boyce College." -Michael Butterworth "Little-known fact: clean boogers are actually white." -Cole Harper "I keep forgetting your hand is there. I'm like, 'Hello!'" -Emily Dick "I have boyish charm. Just 'cause I'm hairy doesn't mean I don't have boyish charm." -Jeff Pearson "If anyone ever thinks about buying a leather jacket from Wal-Mart, it's a bad idea." -David Borreson "Oh no. I just remembered I didn't flush their toilet this morning!" -Chriyus Davis "When she was pushing, and I saw the head coming out, I thought to myself, 'It'll be a miracle if she ever walks again.' " -Chriyus Davis "What's your type, Hawaiian? 'Cause it could be a while around here." -Lauren Farmer "I was trying to remember: did I forget, or did I never know?" -Andrew, talking about his father's birthday. "What do you mean we're going to be a big bump on the skin?" -Naomi, after Gary told her she was going to grow up warped, and she went to look up what he meant "Stop flashing everyone!" -Carla "I didn't know I was going to see everything!" -Carla, on being in the birthing room during a birth "Which would suck!" -Aaron Montgomery, in reply to my comment about his being in heaven...before his marriage "Have you heard about that new detergent for blacks?" -Alison Ostrander, meaning black clothes "I just realized how incredibly bad it looked that I knew there was a good tree to climb by Mullins." -Michael Butterworth "You know what I want to see you pull off? A jacket with boardshorts." -Scott O'Neal "It seemed like it was something that wasn't widely understood. Or maybe that was just because I was talking to Sean Malinger." -Andrew "And I didn't get stuck out the window, I was trying to see the stars!" -Emily Dick "Is Scott the white-haired guy?" -Brandon Stern "The only thing that's running through my head right now is that I really hope I don't fart." -Kristy White "Ok, I found my date. I call that mannequin." -Katy Cavaliere "I have those socks! But they don't go that high up on my legs." -Andrew "Stretch" Holley "And I wasn't eating ice cream, either. Don't tell her that." -Scott O'Neal "I would love to play with Rob Smythe because I would feel so smart." -Emily O'Neal, on playing Taboo "I had someone ask me, in class, in front of a whole bunch of people, why I wasn't married." -Christine Robertson "Let me rephrase that: A woman with a big ol' 'fro, not a big ol' woman with a 'fro." -Chriyus Davis "Let's talk about you sweating in the shape of a heart. I think that's romantic." -Lauren Farmer "We're sharing lunch now, and this is after your sweaty romantic activity." -Lauren Farmer "Huh...wow...well, it does bring to mind that sermon Dr. York preached toward the beginning of the semester, and in a not-so-abstract sense, you may have hit the skin on the head." -Me, to Matt Teves "Mmmmmmmmm, good morning, David Beckham!" -Kat Foxworth, to a picture on a wall in her hall...every morning "Who needs coffee in the morning when you've got David Beckham to wake you up, right? Just like coffee, he's strong and hot." -Me...to a flustered but nodding Kat "Who's the brown one?" -Emily O'Neal, when looking at a picture and forgetting a certain brown friend was at her family's house in Columbus "A world where John Letoto is embarrassed and doesn't know what to say or do is not a world I want to live in." -Michael Butterworth "Abby marches to the beat of her own flute." -Scott O'Neal "I love ultimate frisbee, it's my favorite of all the games. If I could, I would marry it, and I would be Mrs. Jennifer Frisbee." -Jennifer Miller "What's a 'good game'?" -Katie Mohler "Do you know what I used to do with this stuff when I was little? I used to give myself french manicures with it." -R. Lauren Duncan, while holding up a bottle of Liquid Paper "It's a good thing my kids aren't gonna have tails." -Trey Fuller "How do you think that small?" -Karis Land, when she saw my handwriting "I like to curl up in the bathroom." -Pablo Butterworth "I love the alphabet song, it's a universal song. Well, I guess it's not a universal song, it's in a different language." -R. Lauren Duncan "We're not dumb, we're secretaries at Boyce College!" -A.D. "I'm full and I'm dripping out all over the place." -Dr. Ewart, during a dorm meeting message "Sounds like a bladder control problem." -Heidi Marlene Johnson, in response to Dr. Ewart's statement during dorm meeting "Do girls just walk up to you and give you food?" -Sharon Rivers, while I was munching on some monkey bread from Casey Cashell "So he slept with me. It was kind of awkward." -R. Lauren Duncan, about...something "Dude! When we were talking, she wasn't looking...she was gazing!" -Boss "When it's just people being married, you can kind of dismiss it, but when there are babies growing inside of people...well that's just a different matter altogether." -Scott O'Neal "That's too much chocolate for you!" -Bobby House III "Dude, there's a lot of white people up here." -Kawika, on being in Indiana "This is great, I don't fall asleep here! There's just so much to grasp." -Sandi, on the sermons at their church "I miss you. Especially when I see a badly-dressed male." -Heidi Marlene Johnson "Actually, Kason may be following in your footsteps. Last night he had a thing tied around his head and went to sleep with it. You know, that ninja look." -Lisa, to me "You can't get hurt tonight, you're the only muscle we've got!" -A certain manager at a certain store "He's not the only guy, we have Alex. No, wait, Alex doesn't count. You're right, he is the only guy we've got." -A certain coworker at a certain store. "She's the manliest girl I know." -Christina Thompson "Now this is no knock on Ryan, but you're a much better looking guy than he is, and if he can get a girl, so can you. In fact, you're better looking than most of the guys here." -Nathan Fulllerton "Hey, she's a minority, you can marry her...you can make slanty-eyed kids together." -Scott O'Neal "How's the Letoto fan club going? You must have more fans now that Uch is off the market." -Goose "It was the hottest thing I've ever touched...it was as hot as the sun!" -Robbie Byrd, explaining why he dropped a plate "I just told Goose...the code word for 'gameover'...'Monopoly Man!'" -Me, to Leonard, during a conversation about their new endeavor to take over the airsoft world "You can take the John out of Government Service, but you can't get Government Service out of John." -Goose "Michelle and I have decided to renew your friendship for the next 12 months." -Goose "Use the phlegm, John, use the phlegm!" -Boss "How do I join the 'Poked by John Letoto' club? I don't even go to SBTS, and I'm plagued by the Totopokes." -Jeff Cavanaugh "Yeah. But you're a sophisticated jerk." -Kev, in response to my telling him that I'm a jerk "I thought about you the other day when I was organizing my shoes. No joke." -Joel Gasparotto, to me "No. But several kids." -Anonymous, in response to the question, "Does...have a love interest?" "I'm glad it's been a year since I stepped into your life and all sorts of craziness ensued. Wait. That didn't sound right..." -Me "I think these are unthawed." -Scott Bidwell, commenting on the uncooked chicken "You mean frozen?" -Matt Crawford, in response to Scott "Is Bert holding up his underwear?!?!?!" -Brent Gambrell, when Bert had washed off in the lake to get the mud out of his...underthings...since the mud was placed there by a certain Hawaiian "He's the closest thing to Black I got here!" -Trent Davis, a Cedarmore camper, commenting on how a certain Hawaiian was the most ethnically similar person at the camp "Nice body!" -Whitney McClain, to an anonymous Cedarmore male camper, after they collided at the volleyball net while going for the ball "I could take you...to a movie." -Another anonymous Cedarmore male camper, to Whitney, after she was explaining her mad basketball skills to the group of students present "It's my bladder!" -Jearf Johnson, when looking at his phone as it rang "John Letoto, you've got more politics than Episode I." -Pablo Butterworth, when discussing with me the possible (and impossible) relationships on campus, and the influence (real or imagined) I have upon them "At the wedding reception, I heard Stephen Curtis Chapman's I Will Be Here being played over the speakers. Typical christian wedding stuff, really. Then I heard the line that goes, 'I will be here, to watch you grow in beauty.' With my warped sense of humor firmly assessing its place in the world, my mind immediately translated that into, 'I will be here, to watch your growing booty...'" -Me "Ok, I think I'm going to go for a walk now. Are you at work? I'm asking you to take a walk with me...I thought I might drop your books off. I was making sure someone would be there if I did. I'm NOT, NOT asking you to take a walk with me. Oh my goodness! I just read what I wrote up there." -Sarah Cress, from a chat log with me over Instant Messenger "Here's what I think. If I'm a man, and my wife's a doctor, I golf every day." -Chriyus Davis, on how Andrew should spend his time in Pennsylvania "Did he sound winded?" -Will, after I got off the phone with Andrew...on a certain night... "Dude, I get paid to dig my nose!" -Boss "I don't do that, that would be too unmanly." -Anonymous Male, said while filing his nails "More of an acquired taste than kim chee." -Will, commenting on his appreciation for Hawaiian music "That's right...I think I should celebrate the day by getting slammed with Shirley Temples." -Christin Simpson "Thanks to you, I'm now known as 'the odds are good but the goods are odd' girl." -Christine Robertson, expressing her gratitude toward me for her blossoming reputation "Hurry, before the smears come out!" -Kason, commenting on his need to get to a bathroom stall "All right everybody, feel flee to crap your hands....wait" -Andrew Strickland, while leading worship "She's perfect! She's just like me; there's nothing wrong with her." -Lisa "I don't think he'll be spending any nights with you. He has a better bed partner now." -R. Lauren Duncan "I stole de baby from de stupid Daikini!" -One of the Brownies from Willow "I stole de baby from you while you were taking a pee-pee!" -Same Brownie "Oooohhh...your eyes...your whiskers...I want to kiss you!" -Drunk Brownie from Willow "No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher." -Gary "It's probably providential." -Chip Collins "One more wave." -Andrew, said while three fingers are held in the air "Well basically..." -James McCray "I wanted to burn the whole thing to the ground." -RAM, Jr. "If she's Princess Leia, you're the rogue scoundrel Han Solo stealing her away from all the decent guys." -Pablo Butterworth, said to me a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away "Young men, wholesome and gay. No, just wholesome." -Dr. Mohler "Hey! How are you doing?" -Rob Smythe "I have two local haole guy roommates who are super tall. I can stand on the bed and they are still taller than me. But at least I fit in the bathroom!" -Boss "So for the girls, there are only the big singles left?" -Aaron Filippone "The girls I'm most attracted to are always a lot like me." -Darren Thomas "Hairy in the face and chest?" -Me, in response to Darren "Oh, cuss word!" -Moon Pie "If you don't realize that Paul Butterworth is singing an 8 minute long karaoke, there's a lot of things you aren't going to realize." -Pablo Butterworth "These *are* my dress socks. They're clean." -Goose "Before the throne of God above..." -Jonathan Leeman...singing "I hope you sit next to a big, fat person on the airplane." -Michelle "Piss on a biscuit!" -Fritzy "I saw Toto, and he's black!" -R. Lauren Duncan "You know one day you're actually going to kill me, and I'll be laughing in heaven as they throw your butt in jail." -Pablo Butterworth "I couldn't have stood out more if I was riding a brontosaurus through there." -Jordan Cole "Can she have a man?" -Me, said to waitress, gesturing toward Poenie "I am irresistible to men..." -Poenie Tree "Rat has a goosebite! Rat has a goosebite! Rat has a goosebite!" -AJ, after Goose got a haircut with a nasty ratbite "Are you pouring some kind of cleaner on the floor where he farted?" -Tyler Ratliff "She shook his butt before she shook his hand!" -Me, on a certain young lady here at Boyce "Would you look at that BUTT?" -Pablo Butterworth "It hurt. I begged him to stop. I cried afterwards." -Pablo Butterworth "He speaks and it is as if a writer or poet is speaking to us, sentence fragments and all. He could totally destroy your life and you would love him for doing it. (Not that he goes around destroying lives or anything.)" -Mike Hilliard, speaking about the Token Hawaiian at Boyce "Paul, I think we should mate." -Katy Barnes, to a not so anoymous Boyce male during a game of Psychiatrist "You're classic, not metro." -Elizabeth Foster "I need ocean." -Me "Oh, I have some!" -R. Lauren Duncan, in response to me "Me not saying something and you not writing it down are two completely different things." -Dr. Draper "The entire night I just wanted to jump on those lips!" -Chris...something "I hated you when I first met you." -Scott O'Neal "Barring a lighting strike at the lottery we call, 'New Student Orientation'..." -Pablo Butterworth "Do you know why I'm taking his class? One of these days he's going to die teaching and I want to be there for it." -Pablo Butterworth "I have a man-crush on Tom Cruise." -Pablo Butterworth "I feel like the loose Jenga block that is easy to pull out." -Michael Butterworth "I was childish, foolish even. She makes me feel alive." -Allison Poplin, posing as Michael Butterworth "Hey John. How are you sexy? As in, 'How are you, sexy?' Not, 'How did you become sexy?' " -Pablo Butterworth "Stop vacuuming my crack!" -Chris Sellers "That's a hot outfit...Letoto, if you were any taller..." -Melissa Hermoso "You smell like my mom!" -Fritzy, to Banana Republic's favorite Red-Headed Stepchild "It's Allure for *men*, people!" -Banana Republic's favorite Red-Headed Stepchild "Oh Uncle Johnny, I didn't know you could look so handsome!" -Kayla, when looking at my Kindergarten picture...when I had hair "We don't want a lot of Scripture to bog us down." -Michael Butterworth "I would've introduced the front of my boot to his Specials." -Billy Reddick "You remind me of my friend Deanna; she's a female bodybuilder." -Kristina Pelhank, to me "I was taking down the donkey from the Nativity scene in our kitchen, and I thought to myself, 'If I drop the donkey on the floor and it breaks, then I can tell people that I broke my ass on the kitchen floor.' " -Pablo Butterworth "You see, the difference between me and you is my mouth gets me into trouble, and yours gets you out of it." -Aaron Coffey, to me "The Geisha sleep in certain positions so as not to disturb their elaborate hairdos, and that's what I was just doing." -Michael Butterworth "Excuse me, I do NOT have that much cellulite!" -Sarah El-Masri "I don't want to be tied down and have my time consumed by someone there to say, 'I love you,' to and having to hold hands and shop together and eat with and no one to hold and cuddle with. I can play XBox all night long, baby!" -Pablo Butterworth, said with biting sarcastic wit "Please stalk me at your earliest convienence." -Sarah Cress "There's a two year-old flirting with me!" -Ashlea Davenport "I used to have a neck, then something happened." -Bobby House "Can I buy three blacks from you?" -Pablo Butterworth "Finally, I got up and read my bible; I figured that would put me to sleep." -Chip Collins "You're the ugly girl!" -Candace Boyd "No, I don't have a jackhammer or an 18-wheeler, but I bet John Moody does...or at least, John Moody knows someone who does!" -Scott O'Neal and me "I grew up with that but in Spanish." -Liz Mejia "One day the three of us will be married!" -R. Lauren Duncan "We're Portuguese, so we're kinda hairy. But this guy was like a bear! I had to check the filters after he got out of the pool! And, he was BIG!" -Matty Teves "Noses and ears never stop growing; you're in for a treat, Pablo." -Me, to Pablo Butterworth "And who brought Taryn Walker to Boyce College? That's right...............the Holy Spirit." -Pablo Butterworth, implying..................something "That's a good length, that's pettable." -R. Lauren Duncan, while petting my head "There's small, there's large, and there's John Letoto Size." -Kristy Miller "Uncle Johnny I love you! I'm licking your eyeball!" -Kason, just after my sister told him that it was time to get ready for bed and that he had to tell his Uncle Johnny "goodnight," but just before he licked the phone so as to pretend to lick my eyeball "Mr. Herringbone understands." -Katie Mohler "Corn?!?!?!?! When did I eat corn?" -Anonymous man in public bathroom, heard by Dr. Rainer, re-told by Katie Mohler "Whenever I want to find you on Facebook, I just do a search and type in, 'butt,' and you come up." -Me, to Pablo Butterworth "The chocolate chip in the cookie." -Leonard, in reference to my tan in comparison with the rest of our family "I told Kris I felt like a banana in a bowl of milk." -Leonard, in reference to playing poker in Las Vegas at a table with 8 white guys "I promise, I really did check him out before I started dating him!" -Jewel Graham, on a supposed background spirituality check gone...uhhh...obviously nowhere "So I was typing to you and there was dead silence on the phone and forgot I was on the phone with my mom and she randomly started talking and it startled me." -Sarah Cress "Who's the one whose name begins with a 'J' and ends with an 'N'?" -R. Lauren Duncan "Jane!" -Katie Mohler, in response to R. Lauren Duncan "I went sniffing once." -Katie Mohler "Can you use that in a definition?" -Sarah Cress "Go shopping with him and you'll never be satisfied with another man's shopping again." -R. Lauren Duncan "They had her fork here and I ate it." -R. Lauren Duncan "What's a thesaurus? Is it like a dinosaur?" -R. Lauren Duncan "Every outfit you wear is a statement." -Scott O'Neal "Do you guys have a money-changer in the temple?" -Pablo Butterworth, inquiring as to the whereabouts of an ATM at Southeast Christian Church "He likes to sit in my drawers." -R. Lauren Duncan "It's like the military here, I have to say, 'Yes, sir!' to my roommate." -James Losey, about me "I can't believe you said 'makeout' in front of my mom!" -Heidi Marlene Johnson "I live for embarrassing my friends; that, and Jesus." -Me "I'm gonna go to the bathroom and fill up this water bottle. Not in that order." -Pablo Butterworth "I eat soap for breakfast." -Sarah Cress "I like your hair. It's all going to burn in the end, anyway." -Rob Smythe "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." -Christine Robertson, on Southern Seminary's relational prospects "Puritan Paperbacks? Sounds like a football team or something." -Janal Prybys "More than enough Torneros to go around; that's a good thing." -Pablo Butterworth "I'm a Samaritan; shun me! Just meet me at the well at 3 o'clock." -Dan Mack, who is half-Jewish "This is the first time she's been publicly traded on the Girl Exchange, and her stock has gone sky-high." -Pablo Butterworth, talking about a certain Boyce College...person "Hold me like you used to." -Pablo Butterworth...Boyce male who's never dated "This isn't fair--Prybys only got on your wall of quotes because pretty much anything that proceeds from her mouth is notably retarded." -Jessica Cimato "And afterwards, we're going to play Balderdash." -Brooke Anderson, to Bobby Wood "Oh, I love that movie!" -Bobby Wood, in response to Brooke Anderson "They have male stores?" -Katie Mohler "She looks like...uhhh...some sort of stuffed animal." -R. Lauren Duncan "You're just upset because you can't put that on Facebook." -Michael Butterworth "Yes, it's my purse." -James Losey "There's a stomach virus going around, and every girl on my hall has been inflicted with The Terror!" -Kristina Pelhank "You're like a reality t.v. show...I want to turn the channel and walk away, but for some strange reason, I can't." -Sarah Cress "John gave me a good wedgie." -Pablo Butterworth "I won't say whoooole falsehoods..." -Scott O'Neal, implying that partial falsehoods are ok "I own too many nice ties not to go to the Spring Banquet." -Michael Butterworth "God blessed me with great hair; I'm counting on that to bring me true love." -Michael Butterworth "This song was written for my future wife...which is none of you." -Rob Smythe "Next year you'll be in the zoo." -Josh Mimbs, to Aaron Coffey "I hope I don't get married 'til I'm in grad school so I can pick up undergrad chicks, too." -Michael Butterworth "I have a new vein on my leg. I feel like an old woman...one of those blue nasty ones." -R. Lauren Duncan, who was referring to the vein, not to an old woman, when speaking of it being blue and nasty "Are you even there listening to my pitiful pleas?" -R. Lauren Duncan "May it not be said of me, 'Methinks she doth protest too much', because really I'm just raising a voice for all of us you choose to mercilessly poke numerous times throughout the day." -Jessica Cimato "'Cause all my good-looking genes can't override someone who's ugly." -R. Lauren Duncan "I have some ligament in the car." -R. Lauren Duncan "I lost it from all the throwing up I did." -R. Lauren Duncan "He's a Filipino knockoff!" -David Brandt, commenting on me "No, I'm just occasionally superficial...but not vain!" -Chris Sellers "You're a rent-a-cop? Can I rent you?" -Sarah El-Masri, to me "You know, if you keep breathing like that when I talk to you about girls, you're never going to get married." -Me, to Pablo Butterworth "I don't sleep with him any more...John, he's older than me, he's older than you." -Pablo Butterworth, in reference to his Zoomer "She's not the kind of guy you'd go for." -Me "I can't explain the honor of having two quotes on your profile. It gives one the sense that they are going to be somebody. Wow." -Jessica Cimato, to me "From this angle, I can see everything!" -Michael Butterworth, commenting on my shirt "Can I suck some of your blood so that I can be a pirate?" -R. Lauren Duncan, to me "If I was bored and had a lot of spare time, I would count how many pictures of Lauren Duncan I had on my computer." -Pablo Butterworth "You are not going to put that on Facebook!" -Pablo Butterworth "I don't feel comfortable with you saying that and wearing those shorts." -Nick Crouse "They're *macadamia* nuts!" -Ryan Travis "Hey, Lance was telling me about this job at the hospital. They charge you nine dollars an hour!" -Brian Buck "Do you think they slimmed your dad down for that picture?" -Ryan Szrama to Katie Mohler, in reference to the portrait in Heritage Hall "Are you ok? I just wet my pants." -R. Lauren Duncan "I just want to marry a pastor." -Blind Brandon