Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



When I was talking to Kev last weekend, our conversation was spent talking about how stupid we are. The stupidity we spoke of was not of the intellectual sort, but rather the type of stupidity that continually causes us tremendous amounts of grief and leaves us saying, "Hoo cuz, das dumb!" (Caucasian translation: "Alas! I find myself in a horrid situation of mine own design!") Now, I won't speak for Kev, but I know I'm a pretty dumb guy sometimes. I'm sure some of you would confirm that for me, if given half a chance ;)

Thinking about my utter foolishness brought to mind the countless ways God has made known His faithfulness to me, especially when looking back over the past several years. More than once, I've fallen flat on my face and not wanted to get up. At times, it seemed my every naked flaw was exposed to the masses. At other times, it seemed nobody cared to see that I'd fallen, and was hurting. Sometimes, I just wanted to run and hide, to clothe myself in whatever security I could find. Sometimes, I wished I could share my pain with someone...anyone. Often, during those times of paralyzing failure, God would whisper, "Keep going...don't stop!" Would I listen? Sometimes. Sometimes not. What I'm slowly beginning to realize now is that even though I would sometimes stop, God never did. He was and is faithful, even though I am not. I suppose knowing that makes it easier to keep going, even though I'd like to stop.

posted by Bolo | 4:47 PM
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I think...I *think*...the OneDay03 DVD, Sacred Revolution, is going to be released the same day as the David Crowder Band's new album, September 15. The music album will be released on August 19, just a few weeks away :) I saw the DVD information on some dude's blog, which came up on a search on Google. *Shrug*...we'll see...

posted by Bolo | 2:02 PM
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Random: Today I watched three movies at work, 'cause we were pretty much rained out in the morning. Big, with Tom Hanks, Minority Report, and The Three Musketeers with Chris O'donnell, Kiefer Sutherland, and Charlie Sheen. Not bad for one day :) Yesterday I watched a bit of A Knight's of my favorites. Paul Bettany as Chaucer...brilliant!

Been thinking a lot about youth ministry...a *lot*. I told my brother yesterday that I've been itching for it. I say if it itches, scratch it. I don't quite understand why this particular "ministry" would get to me like this, though I've long since decided that people who do youth ministry are insane, and they're either born to do it or not. I'm definitely a product of insane, youth-ministry types who don't acknowledge their own limits, only God's.

When I think about the people who understand me well, most of them are people who loved me even when I didn't return their love. Perhaps, in their own wisdom, they knew that such unrequited love would one day bear fruit, and that the eventual returns would far outweigh the trials upon their patience; perhaps they didn't know. In any event, my far older (and wiser) friends have given me many, many reasons to be patient with those kids who don't yet realize how much they are loved...or maybe they do realize they're loved, but just can't accept it. I think upon that, and a new layer of understanding descends: God loves us in that way, too. Thanks, God...

posted by Bolo | 4:18 PM
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not much

It seems there's not a whole lot to write today, but not for lacking of cranial activity. Been thinking about how I'm going to pay for school...I'm still waiting on KSBE Financial Aid to get back to me, but we'll see. If I don't get anything from them, it'll be one tiiiight semester, to say the least. Yeesh.

The Giants keep winning...woohoo!

posted by Bolo | 12:02 PM
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Been thinking about that post from earlier today, and wanted to add a few thoughts to it. As the light vs. mirror ponderings played itself out in my pate, I remembered some other explanations as to how God shines through us, with the operative term this time around being "through". With the mirror, we can only reflect God; ideally, I would think that there would be less of us, and more of Him...therefore, having a fully perfect image would be the idea. After all, is that not what God the Son is, the fully perfect image of God the father? And like I said in the previous post: being that we're tiny, our reflection of God would be would be finite.

But then I began thinking about how God not only shines upon us, and into us, but *through* us. Experiencing God is not a passive thing, where we become stoic vessels of light; quite the contrary! As He shines upon us, He casts away the darkness, and we are drawn to Him. As He shines into us, He changes us, and casts out the darkness we hide. As He shines through us, others are drawn to Him, and so He shines forth through them as well, blessing others in turn.

I remember sitting on the wall at Kewalo's once, sick, both literally and figuratively, because I could not surf that day. I watched the people going out, jumping into the water, venturing off into the salty water. It was sometime in the afternoon, because I looked above the horizon, and saw the sun pierce through the clouds. Although I'd seen a similar sight many times, I took more time to enjoy what I'd often seen from within the water. I sat there, and for some reason, I seemed to see more that day than I had before. The interaction that took place between sunlight and cloud rendered an incredible change upon both the individual shafts of sunlight and every bit of cloud, down to the tiniest tendril. Each took on a nature entirely different than had my eyes beheld it without such a glorious interaction. I sat there for some time, watching the changes in color and intensity as the sun went down and the clouds were broken and reformed by the tradewinds. That day, I thought about how much like the sunlight God is when He shines through us, shining through our flaws as sunlight does the clouds, intermingling with us and making us more beautiful than we would ever be on our own. He, in turn, becomes more visible, and we finally begin to see and understand how glorious He is.

posted by Bolo | 7:41 PM
4 speakage

This little light of mine...

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine..." In my state of semi-wakefulness this morning, that song came to mind. Actually, that one line came to mind...I don't really know any of the others. I thought about letting my "little light" shine. What I'm pondering is this: are we really little lights, or mirrors?

Christmas tree lights...those are little lights. When I think about letting my little light shine, the endless spaghetti strands of Christmas lights pops into mind. When we are filled with the Holy Spirit, is that what we become like? One little Christmas light, shining all the light that we can generate from our bit of glass-encased filament. Or, are we like mirrors? A mirror, left to its own, will not generate a single bit of light. Now, you may argue that a little Christmas light doesn't generate light, needs to be plugged in, and it must be turned on. But this is MY analogy dangit, so I'll take it where I want to...ssssshhhh!

Where was I? Oh yes...the mirror. If our souls are like mirrors, then we are dirty, smudge-ridden and covered with gunk. We must be cleaned, first by removing the big chunks, then being wiped and polished. Only after the grime is removed can we shine as we are created to - but even that light comes from God. We only reflect that which He shines, and thus, we can shine as brightly as He does, yet being small, tiny mirrors, we don't shine as largely as He does. Of course, we're prone to getting dirty again...that would mean that we'd need more cleaning, so as to shine once more. I think I like that better than a little Christmas light. Christmas lights are fun as heck to put up, though :)

I read this on today, concerning the San Francisco Giants: "They're 16-5 in one-run games, 5-1 in extra innings and 13-3 in games decided in the last at-bat. Of course, at 61-37 overall, they're not too shaky in the rest of them, either." Actually, they're now 63-37, and on a six-game win streak...go Giants!

posted by Bolo | 3:13 PM
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Whisper a tiny thought in me
Let it grow, let it be
Unto You, the glory You see

'Cause I'm blind to the work inside
And drudgery feeds my pride
'Til my heart and Your grace collide

I now do wonder where is Thy hand
Is it clenched in anger, upon my soul to land?
Nay, but still I pray, open my eyes to see
Your nail-pierced hand, upon which I stand

I wrote those lines a while back...a couple years back, if my memory hasn't failed me entirely. You know, it's a strange thing to look at those lines...sometimes, I look at them and smile, because my heart is bursting with agreement. At other times, as I do now, my eyes slowly, grudgingly, make their way through the verses. I wish I didn't have to read them in such a state; I wish that my heart did not know the frustration that it does now.

God, is Your grace truly so...amazing? Right now, it seems more confusing than anything. I wonder if I truly am upheld by Your hand; even if I am upheld by Your hand, am I rejoicing in the fact that I'm there? I wonder who is the angry one...You, or me? I wonder if I am less patient with myself than You are. I wonder if I'm confused because I want for me to be the perfect one, not You. I wonder...what You think of me...or more importantly...what You think of You...

posted by Bolo | 2:49 PM
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Thought for the day: Worship is God giving props to Himself...through us.

I was talking with someone last night, and that came up. I'd first heard that at OneDay, and it's stuck with me ever since. One of the thoughts that spurred on was the notion that I often think of worship as beginning with me. How do I explain it? I guess I think of it kind of like this...when I wake up in the morning, there's always a vague, automatic reminder going off in my brain that I've got to acknowledge God and spend some time with Him. There's a problem with that; if I'm not careful, I'll see it as something that *I* am doing, that *my* time is being invested, or that *my* spirit is being grown, without seeing that *He* is calling me and enabling me to come to Him, *He* owns my life, and thus, it is *His* time, and *He* is the one who has justified me and is sanctifying and growing my spirit. Now, I don't know about you, but I find that I have to constantly ask God to flip my view of life with Him upside-down, because I always put myself at the beginning of worshiping Him.

When I heard that at OneDay, I couldn't stop from hearing that phrase echo over and over in my head. "Worship is God giving props to Himself"'s still a very humbling thought. It takes me and pushes me off to the side, away from the center. Yet, when I think about God's grace, I realize that God's glorfication of Himself through me means that He takes me from the pits of despair and pulls me close to Him...closer than I have any right to be. When God is the one who is moving, stirring me to worship, to feast, to enjoy Him, it is because He is doing so of His own delight, and there is nothing that I can do to deserve such grace. It is then that I realize that I am at His mercy.

posted by Bolo | 4:09 PM
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Sibling Dynamics

Wrote the following today in an email to a pastor I know, concerning my older siblings. I think it reflects well on the *cough* wisdom *cough* that God has blessed me with ;)

Being the younger brother isn't any wait your whole life to become the older brother so that you won't have all their turds flying down at you from above, then you find that when they respect and trust you enough to be the "wise old sage", all that means is that instead of flying it at you, they hand you their turds on a silver platter. Hmmm...kinda like pastoring, huh? :)

posted by Bolo | 8:30 PM
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Random: Is it just me, or is it slightly odd to see a guy behind the wheel of a company car belonging to Today's Woman magazine?

There's a helpless sort of feeling when people you care about are facing decisions, but are truly torn as to what to do, and no decision is really the right one, until God makes it clear that it is so. *Sigh*...lately I've felt that helplessness very keenly, both for others and for myself.

Someone wrote me recently and said that I seem to be confident in God's perfection, despite all of life's turbulent ways. It's sort of ironic; I know that God is perfect, yes, but how does that relate to me? Am I going to be smitten down? Does He still care? I guess it's because my own concept of perfection is just that: my own. In my own mind, perfect beings are far off and removed from me, unable or unwilling to touch my dirty life. It's hard for me to wake up in the morning and believe that God is who He says He is. It's hard for me to hear Him, to hear that He's there, holy and just, and loves me still, despite my constant failure. Oswald Chambers said that God wants us to unlearn something in our trials. That's a good thing, because the more I learn to live with myself and unravel what I think about God and His creation, the more I learn that I'm a big fat liar :)

posted by Bolo | 2:16 PM
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I was reading through the first section of Philippians yesterday, and stopped a little at verse six. Paul says, "for I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." We've heard this one preached to us...sung the song...even rejoiced at the truth that's presented there. But why? Why would Paul have reason to be so darn confident in God working through us? To what purpose would God allow us to struggle through this world, and yet let us experience His goodness through our sanctification?

I guess I'm asking this because I myself am not sure of the answer. I find that in my journey, I'm constantly looking to see if I've "arrived" yet. I find that I'm always looking to see if a certain level of holiness is being fleshed out. The problem is, I'm beginning to wonder if that's what God wants. Don't get me wrong here; I do realize that God does call us to be holy. What my noggin is pondering is if I'm putting *my* personal holiness before *God's* holiness. Catch my drift? Hidden within verse six is the implication that we'll never reach that certain level of perfection, right alongside the promise that God will continue to work us toward that level. Humbling? Yeah, it sure is.

This morning I read through a bit of one of my old journals. After getting over my lack of discipline in journaling, I realized something - that verse six really is true. No matter how much I've stumbled, He's never failed to pick me up. No matter how much I yearned to be rid of my old self, there's always more of me to be rid of. Despite all this, He's still the same God...beautiful, holy, glorious...who makes a way for us to adore Him.

posted by Bolo | 2:19 PM
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out of the blue

You know, it's cool when God lets you know that even through your utter stupidity, He still shines through you and makes Himself look beautiful. I was reminded yesterday of that truth...and was blessed tremendously. Despite all the struggles of the past few years, God's still been faithful, and I can't really change that. I'd like to write more on this, but right now my stomach is doing this horrible, pulsating thing where it's constantly reminding my brain that it needs food. *Shrug*'s not a good thing to ignore, I say :) More later...

posted by Bolo | 7:55 PM
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tough days

This is one of those entries that finds me writing more from the gut than from the head. It's a tough one to write; there's horrendous guilt and despondence that wraps around me, and I find that when I'm in such a state, I would rather go to sleep and escape the pain than listen to the truth. So, why write anything at all? Why not simply wait for another day to write, another day where my heart sings with the praises of God?

It's simple, really. I've had enough of the running; I've had enough of trying to lie to myself, enough of numbly walking through the day, enough of pasting on a fake smile for the sake of hiding. I know what I've done, and so does God. Has He gone away? No. Is it easy to face Him? No. Is He any less glorious than before? No. Does He love me any less today than yesterday? No. But darnit, it sure does seem that way, doesn't it? know, God loves to teach me about Him through the friendships He's blessed me with. I was telling a friend last week that if they really trusted someone, then they'd have to learn to trust that someone to handle the "hard stuff," the things that aren't easy to say because we're afraid of what the other person will think. It's funny how advice comes back to haunt you. Today I find that I must constantly go to God, to trust Him again and again, but I'm still afraid of what He thinks. Silly, isn't it? Yeah, this human flesh can be mighty foolish. I've got this habit of telling God how good I am, when all He wants to do is tell me how good He is. If I'd listen, do you think I'd be in this much despair? Nope, I don't, either...I'd be too awed to feel awful.

posted by Bolo | 4:11 PM
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shepherds adore

An interesting experience unfolded before me last night. I'd gone to Barnes & Noble to do some reading, but I ended up talking on the phone for a few hours. Hmmm...seems like a recurring theme lately. The conversations I had with both Andrew and Brian have me thinking about a lot of in friendship, the way that God works in our lives, and the path that God has the three of us on. Talking with Andrew, in particular, has rocked me hard, but in a great way.

One thought that's sprung from talking with him is the notion that God allows us to come and adore Him. The song "O Come Let Us Adore Him" sounded like a clarion call within me last night and this morning, and now I ponder just how it is that God beckons us to come and adore. Imagine being one of those shepherds to whom the angel proclaimed Jesus' birth. Sitting outside Jerusalem, the starry sky and smelly sheep for company, suddenly you are being told that the Messiah is come, and you are invited to come and adore Him. It's amazing that Jesus would come at all; but to know that from the beginning, He was inviting us to come and know So this morning, I wrote the following...maybe it's done, maybe it's not...we'll see.


Oh come, let us adore You

We, wretched and writhing

Unworthy and unwilling

But boldly brought near

By blood

Priceless, in propitiation

In grace

In mercy

In love

Wholly Man, Wholly God

Holy Man, Holy God

My soul's sweetest satisfaction

Unyielding, unending, unfathomable

Oh come, let us adore You!

posted by Bolo | 5:33 PM
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Hmmm...the archives have pretty much disappeared...strange. Anyway, this post is just a test, in hopes this'll make them come back. *Shrug*

Gah...tried for a few days, but I think Blogger is having some technical issues...there's a new version of it out, and it's acting strangely.

posted by Bolo | 2:58 PM
4 speakage
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