Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



I didn't want to be at dorm meeting last night. I wasn't mad, I wasn't hurting, I wasn't in any way "wrong"...I just didn't want to be there. There was a sudden and definite heaviness on my heart that I hadn't felt in a very, very long time. It was like God was showing me how incredibly *serious* He is, and therefore, I must be. The feelings that ran through me last night during dorm meeting were strange and conflicting...angry, yet calm; sad, yet rejoicing; peaceful, yet aching. Like I said, I hadn't felt that way in a very, very long time...but I'm glad I did. It's almost like God decided to begin a little open heart surgery, without telling me about it.

I told Scott about it on our walk after dorm meeting. He understood what I was going through, which was good. I don't think *anyone* here had seen that side of me yet. Royce put a chair on me while I was reading through a chunk of Isaiah, for which he later apologized. Mike asked me several times if I was ok. I don't think the guys knew how to respond, for the most part. Pretty much everyone else at home would've just said, "oh, John's fine." Andrew and Brian and Jon have seen that most often; Brian would say about me, "John's just thinking." After people were gone he'd have me spill it. Jon would ask me, "are you funky tonight?" He knew my moods well, and I never had to hide them from him. I miss that a lot. I think I need to call him soon. Hehe...just as soon as I get this silly phone turned on again ;)

It's hard when people see the extreme melancholy side of me for the first time. They don't understand it, and I don't communicate it very well. I think I'm getting better at it,'s not nearly so bad as it used to be! Jon would be proud :)

posted by Bolo | 9:46 AM
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