Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


7.07.2003  

tough days

This is one of those entries that finds me writing more from the gut than from the head. It's a tough one to write; there's horrendous guilt and despondence that wraps around me, and I find that when I'm in such a state, I would rather go to sleep and escape the pain than listen to the truth. So, why write anything at all? Why not simply wait for another day to write, another day where my heart sings with the praises of God?



It's simple, really. I've had enough of the running; I've had enough of trying to lie to myself, enough of numbly walking through the day, enough of pasting on a fake smile for the sake of hiding. I know what I've done, and so does God. Has He gone away? No. Is it easy to face Him? No. Is He any less glorious than before? No. Does He love me any less today than yesterday? No. But darnit, it sure does seem that way, doesn't it?



Hmmm...you know, God loves to teach me about Him through the friendships He's blessed me with. I was telling a friend last week that if they really trusted someone, then they'd have to learn to trust that someone to handle the "hard stuff," the things that aren't easy to say because we're afraid of what the other person will think. It's funny how advice comes back to haunt you. Today I find that I must constantly go to God, to trust Him again and again, but I'm still afraid of what He thinks. Silly, isn't it? Yeah, this human flesh can be mighty foolish. I've got this habit of telling God how good I am, when all He wants to do is tell me how good He is. If I'd listen, do you think I'd be in this much despair? Nope, I don't, either...I'd be too awed to feel awful.

posted by Bolo | 4:11 PM
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