Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Sharing No More

Some of you have already asked about the blog being gone. It's one of those things I did on a whim in the wee morning hours, but once I did do it, I felt fairly happy about it. I suppose you could say that I had stopped writing for the joy of writing, and slowly and foolishly wrote because I was obligated to write.

I hate that.

In a sense, it feels like a mirror of what one of the themes I've been reading about in Hosea: Israel continually brought before the LORD all of outer forms, the sacrifices, of worship, but missed the point, the heart. My life, in many ways, echoes hollowly with the mere form of worship, and it's not a rich and vibrant sound that resounds with the timbre of Jesus' joy. At least, that's what I feel.

When I first started this thing six years ago, I told myself that I would write for the joy of writing, because I wanted to write and because I wanted to have something that I'd written. That may sound selfish, but I don't think it is; it really is the best way I know of to ensure that I write from my heart. And believe me, I don't want to share any less than that.

I think, you see, that's the biggest part of the problem I've had as of late. My eyes fill with tears now as I think of what my heart holds; Red Mountain Church sings, "Jesus weeps and loves me still." The aptness of those words is piercing, for I cannot put into words how deeply I fear that He has turned away.

I've occasionally been told by friends that others think I'm a jerk. You know what? I don't deny it. If others cannot bear to be near me, I feel much the same, but far more. Sharing a heart that aches is not something I do well.

posted by Bolo | 5:37 PM
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