Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



Recently, I celebrated my 28th birthday. Yes yes yes, I did celebrate it, despite popular opinions to the contrary. This post, however, is not about defining the word "celebrate", but is instead an outflow of how I usually celebrate my birthdays: reflection.

'Drew and Boss just turned 30 a short while back. Neither one of them looks 30, and I daresay I could say the same of myself in a couple of years, too. Heck, I can say that of myself right now. The point is, looks can be deceptive -- as Gary can well attest to.

Being older does not equate to being wiser. If anything, I feel far more foolish now than ever before. I think a large part of that comes with what I refer to as My Stupid Prayer: "Lord, reveal to me my sins."

Man, I gotta stop praying that one.

As I look back over the past year of life, I see a lot of outright failure. I'm selfish, proud, lustful, unkind, faithless, unbelieving...the list goes on and on, reading like a primer on the doctrine of sin. I feel bruised, often close to broken, and though others might say they see evidence of spiritual fire, I wonder if the smoke is about to wink out on me. When I hear speech about the one lost sheep being sought out by the Lord Jesus, I ask myself, "Will I be found? Do I really want to be found?" In reflecting over my walk with the Lord, I frequently conclude that it ought to be called a stumbling, not a walk.

If this is discouraging to you, fear not, for I doubt that it's as discouraging to you as it has been to me.

Yet, all is not doom and gloom, fair reader. Allow me to lead you toward the words of Richard Sibbes: "God often works by contraries: when he means to give victory, he will allow us to be foiled at first; when he mans to comfort, he will terrify first; when he means to justify, he will condemn us first; when he means to make us glorious, he will abase us first. A Christian conquers, even when he is conquered. When he is conquered by some sins, he gets victory over others more dangerous, such as spiritual pride and security."

I've felt a greater, deeper awareness and need for grace in the past year than I ever have in my life. The LORD has not been, to my frail, doubting heart, as easy to trust, nor has He been so obviously glorious. Nevertheless, He has seen fit to make Himself worthy of trust, worthy of glory in my heart, many times by methods paradoxical and strange, using my failure to hedge me in and shepherd me toward grace. I feel much like Gomer or the prodigal son, both of whom knew their loved ones to be gracious, yet humbling themselves under that hand of grace only when first experiencing the depths of their own depravity and loss.

Is the LORD gracious? Indeed, He is!

posted by Bolo | 11:24 PM
10 speakage
Free Hit
Dell Coupons
Blogging Buddies
Old School
Bug Me