8.22.2007
Cheat Sheet
Guys are stupid. I'm a guy. Therefore, I'm stupid. Part of our stupidity comes from the fact that we foolishly and repetitiously commit the same verbal errors over and over and over again. Some of these errors come out of sheer naïveté, while others stem from the fact that our stupidity and sensitivity to all things feminine, particularly feminine emotion, are mutually exclusive.
The following, therefore, is a cheat sheet for guys everywhere. These statements should not be said, nor, for that matter, should they even be thought. If they are thought, try, try, try to squelch them as soon as they pop up. If they refuse to be squelched, bite your tongue. Hard. If the taste of blood in your mouth does not awaken some sense of sensitivity and sensibility and propriety toward the fairer sex within your conscience, do what all men have done since the days of our fallen father, Adam: run from the situation.
10. "You have very handsome features."
9. "Hey, don't worry, you look great for your size."
8. "You're pretty stout."
7. "No, that doesn't look too bad on you."
6. "Don't worry, you've still got a great personality!"
5. "Huh? Her? No, I wasn't checking her out, I just thought I knew her from somewhere."
4. "No, there's nothing wrong with you, it's me."
3. "He asked you out? No way!"
2. "I like you, but..."
1. "Dude, you're a beast!"
posted by Bolo |
10:56 AM
5 speakage
Dell
Coupons
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| Daily |
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Coffee
Sweet Maria's
James Hoffmann
Theologous
Desiring God Ministries
Monergism
Discerning Reader
Albert Mohler, Jr.
Russell Moore
9 Marks
Play
Jock
Think
Laugh
Foxtrot
User Friendly
Learn
National Geographic
Geek out. Again.
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| Read |
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Paint
Prayer
Pleasures
Commune
Galactic
Wabbit
Great
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| Listen |
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Jack
Finished
Discover
Tones
of Fleck
Step
In the Arms
Smashing
Thinking
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| Visualize |
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Facebook
Albums
(Updated 3/21/2007)
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| Blogging Buddies |
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Homeage
Gary
Uch
Boss
Kev
Goose
Mark
Rich
Sanchez
Mon &
Dave
Leo
Barb
Brit
The 'Villeage
O'Neals
Jim
Hilliard
Pablo
Butterworth
the Younger
Nikki
Lefty
Ashlea
Parris
Cavies
Calvinaugh
Weenie
& Elizabeth
Owen
T4G
Tim
Bob
Josh
Christman
Szrama
Ryherd
Brandt
Hutch
FYI
FYI TV
CMac
Maiden
Dana
Dubya
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| Old School |
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Memories
Faith...
Wonder...
Empty
Snaps
Manna
The
Misses
Character
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| Me |
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Me
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| Bug Me |
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smeagolisfree@gmail.com
AIM: MrToto2U
Facebook
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| Yore |
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| Factuality |
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I've got a brother and five sisters. The irony in that? I've
got five nephews and two nieces.
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| Quotatious |
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"I don't know what that means, but because I'm a Mac owner, I do it."
-Ryan Szrama
"I'm trying to be regenerate."
-Ivy Warriner
"Pink is pink. Peach is not pink."
-Janet McClurg, in response to her color-changing husband
"How many dumps did I have to take today? I took a lot of dumps today."
-John Michael LaRue, talking about ultimate
"I hired a campaign manager to win the Servant Towel award. People
like that don't deserve to win it."
-Michael Butterworth
"I don't think I could quite drop the "Mohler" no matter how many
marriages I go through."
-Katie Mohler
"However, in hindsight, I think it might have been better to have told
him in front of John MacArthur, so that dad would just say, 'Grace to
you.'"
-Katie Mohler, on the spillage of the beanage concerning a little
incident which we do not name
"He told me, 'Look, we won't be remembering this at your thirtieth
wedding anniversary. And yes, I'll be around then. I'll be ninety,
but I'll be around.' And I said, 'Are you telling me I won't get
married for twelve more years?'"
-Katie Mohler, on conversing with her father
"So basically, his name is Big Joe Danka."
-Aaron Ruszkiewicz, on little Magnus' naming
"Ok, he walks loudly."
-Katie Mohler, on how exactly her father "runs"
"Of course I start to breathe after somebody passed gas."
-Ryan Szrama
"I have a way with old women."
-Josh Reid
"Jeesh just told a story about being hit on by an old lady."
-Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey
"It wasn't sweet, it was creepy."
-Michael McCollum, on why the Sunergos Sweet 'Stache Discount wasn't
given
"I'm like a fountain of wit...or the fertilizer of said fountain."
-Katie Mohler
"Holy crap...we lost 99 - 48 in the season opener? I see they stopped
worrying about updating the score list."
-Ryan Szrama, commenting on his alma mater's basketball team
"What can go wrong on Appreciate a Dragon Day?"
-Lori Wanman
"Do you enjoy making people feel retarded? You behave like that is
your job in life."
-Jessica Cimato
"Stephen sounds so smart when he's on the phone; what happens when he hangs up?"
-Peter Sieg
"Well, I've got a lot of Facebook friend requests."
-Andy McClurg, responding to an inquiry on how his first three months
of pastoring at IBC have been
"If you were mooned while you were marooned, you would be a mooned
marooned Moon."
-Michael Jenkins
"Can we call you 'Special Dark'?"
-Stephen Mobley
"Extra-skinny h2o, half-steam half-ice, no whip."
-Me, on how to order water at Starbucks
"It's you to an unsanctified T."
-Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey
"It's like a workout, having a conversation with you."
-Adam "Moon Pie" Godfrey
"I shot the French Press..."
-Ben Hedrick, sung to the tune of I Shot the Sheriff
"Hey, thrower thrower thrower...hey, thrower thrower thrower...huck
thrower, huck! Huck thrower huck!"
-Off White
"Well, you're her boss, and she's your...your...your whatever!"
-Anonymous, talking to a guy about his girlfriend
"It's hard to fill a gas tank on the shoulder of the interstate in
4-inch heels while someone is mocking you with a camera, but that's
what happens when you don't think the gas gauge 'really means it
yet.'"
-Catherine Huffman
"It's been a while since I took Geometry. It's been even longer since
you took Geometry."
-Peter Sieg, to me
"You know what else is strange? Looking at a total stranger who looks
totally familiar, then comparing life stories only to realize that
you are the only common link. It was six degrees of John
Letoto, and it was hilariously awkward. I think it's fair to say we
both blame your camera."
-Catherine Huffman
"You're going to die soon, anyway."
-Rob Smythe, to Dr. Betts on Dr. Betts' birthday
"I'll be away from my desk, invoking a John Maneuver."
-Stephen Mobley
"It's likely but unlikely."
-Ben Hedrick
"There are limits on what I will forge for you, Mr. Letoto."
-Jessica Vaughn
"The three worst words in the English language: 'As a brother.'"
-Pablo Butterworth, discussing...well...duh
"Well, it's not 'earlier' now, is it?"
-Ben Hedrick
"It's her boyfriend's car, actually. I'm a creep, aren't I?"
-Anonymous male visiting from Hendersonville, when asked, "You know
what car she drives?"
"High-fructose corn syrup, here I come!"
-Josh Reid
"Man, she's finer than a frog hair!"
-Josh Reid
"I forgot 'go' starts with a 'g.'"
-Heather Seagle
"Where's my phone?"
-Christin Simpson, while talking to me...on her phone
"Aaahhh, the wisdom five sisters impart...I still get my kicks, but I
don't get kicked."
-Me
"Yup. I get all dressed up to go to the grocery store or City Hall or
whatever. It's kinda funny. If I'd done that during seminary I'd
probably be married to a preacher-boy right now. Whew! That was a
close call!"
-Dana W
"I don't want to see this on your blog."
-Ryan Fullerton
"John's a little coffee press, strong and brown. Here is his handle,
here is his frown."
-Ben Hedrick
"Oh shutup, voicemail person!"
-Stephen Mobley
" 'P' as in 'purgatory.' "
-Stephen Mobley, while on a sales call
"You didn't make her cry, she chose to cry."
-Stephen Mobley
"Being older and still single makes you more single...more single than
say, Katie Mohler."
-Johanna Tollefson
"You just called me a chunker!"
-Christin Simpson
"We're talking about logic and about the law of non-contradiction in
Worldviews, and I'm pretty sure there's a law that says, 'If there's
food being given away, and Letoto is present, then Letoto is eating.'
"
-Peter Sieg
"My hips don't move; I'm a Baptist."
-Christin Simpson
"How do you end a call like that? 'Your cow's dead, call the paddywagon.' "
-Christin Simpson
"Yeah, the pee phrase kept coming out of order...something about how
he peed in worship, it confused me."
-Katie Mohler
"Yes, I'm precious and all that."
-Katie Mohler, on paternal emotions mixing with her college enrollment
"Do you have a numerical number for that?"
-Stephen Mobley
"I like how we just had an extended conversation about Ryan's
buttocks. Actually, I don't really like that."
-Peter Sieg
"That's Hawaiian Harassment, and I don't have to stand for it."
-Stephen Mobley
"Shipping will be extra to Hawai'i, Alaska, or any of the other
non-contiguous U.S. states."
-Stephen Mobley
"In some northern countries, they can use their watches to tell the time."
-Christin Simpson
"They never know whether to come out the front or the back."
-Jackson B. Riddle, on zits forming in his earlobes
"I think Letoto needs to start calling Ben, 'Sugar'."
-Andy Lowe
"Could you translate that out of Letototian?"
-Lauren Farmer
"Tell me if Taryn's had any reading-books-about-boys-with-muscles
moments lately."
-Me
"I will be back Tuesday, I'm looking forward to my spanking."
-Michael Butterworth
"She was bigger, so she was able to do stuff. No, she wasn't
big-boned, she was Hispanic."
-Ryan Szrama
"More liquid in your system makes the boogers come out faster."
-Allison Poplin
"Mmm, Chapstick!"
-Allison Poplin
"It's like my car was trying to do a yoga pose...my car was doing a
headstand in a ditch."
-Christin Simpson
"The first step is admitting you have a problem; the first step is
admitting I'm a stupid haole."
-Christine Robertson
"I said 'teached,' man!"
-Christin Simpson
"I'm wondering how lucrative my five-star hotel will be on Mount Doom."
-Pablo Butterworth, at the beginning of a game of LotR Monopoly
"Oh! I didn't know you could get boils there!"
-Thomas Amos
"Actually, what I was thinking was, 'I wish Tina Crouse was a couple
years older.' "
-Anonymous
"He's already got a girl. It ain't like she can't see he's fat!"
-Me
"Yes, Christopher, God will even raise you from the dung of a polar bear."
-Dr. Mohler
"I've got fans all over."
-Lauren Farmer
"I'm having my own personal hot flash right now."
-Bobby House
"Toto - The Kermit analogy fails because in this picture Kermit is
actually with a woman!"
-Dave Theobald, on why I couldn't be Kermit the Frog
"Taryn Walker, Sarah Alliett, and one more big one I can't think of."
-Pablo Butterworth
"I mean are people thinking it'll up their chances of winning the
Servant Towel award by taking me or something?"
-Lauren Farmer, on the Spring Banquet
"I'm not a liar...I just bend the truth without realizing it, that's all."
-Christin Simpson
"The mint is just a vehicle for the chocolate."
-Emily O'Neal, on mint chocolate-chip ice cream
"Oh, my arm pits are sweaty! They're sticky, and I don't like it at all!"
-Amanda Ledbetter
"I've been married for five years, and I think the gospel's way easier
to understand."
-Dr. Joslin, on women
"One girl, six locations. That means she's either got a really active
social life, or she's just fat."
-Richard B. Hardison
"You know what the worst game to play with my family is? Monopoly.
Try getting a whole bunch of Jewish people together and see how that
turns out."
-Jon "Jew" Borofsky
"Are you dressing Katie Mohler?"
-R. Lauren Duncan
"They asked you if you needed a nudge after they jostled you?"
-Andrew
"I get my vocabulary words from the President's speeches."
-Michael Butterworth
"I really like the smell of gasoline."
-Katie Mohler
"You know what I can't understand? People who come here to work out
and take the elevator."
-Bobby House
"But if there was no Jesus, we would worship you."
-Nick Crouse
"Gomez, you're Hispanic?"
-Matt Svoboda
"'Shocking the glutes?' Did I just say something about his butt?"
-Lauren Farmer
"You know the party's gone south when you start singing Twila Paris on Karaoke."
-Moon Pie Godfrey
"It smells like armpit, it tastes like armpit, it is so gross!"
-Lauren Farmer
"I've had the passion, I just need the purity."
-Emily Dick
"I'm going to get ready and ask my wife, 'Do I look all right?
Letoto's going to be there!'"
-Warren Kesselring
"I wake up each morning and think, 'What would Letoto wear?' and I put
on lots of flannel."
-Ricky Hardison
"You're a collector's item. Why would they want to get rid of you?"
-Sarah Cress
"So for me, once they're out of the minor stage I can go for the young ones."
-Christin Simpson
"I pulled an SBTS and used a bunch of your pictures without
asking...only it was on our blog, not a magazine. Thanks."
-Emily O'Neal
"I just wish I would have peed, I wish I would have, just that one time."
-Taryn Walker
"You and Rev on recruiting trips? I like that tactic; it's going to
bring pretty, single girls to Boyce College."
-Michael Butterworth
"Little-known fact: clean boogers are actually white."
-Cole Harper
"I keep forgetting your hand is there. I'm like, 'Hello!'"
-Emily Dick
"I have boyish charm. Just 'cause I'm hairy doesn't mean I don't have
boyish charm."
-Jeff Pearson
"If anyone ever thinks about buying a leather jacket from Wal-Mart,
it's a bad idea."
-David Borreson
"Oh no. I just remembered I didn't flush their toilet this morning!"
-Chriyus Davis
"When she was pushing, and I saw the head coming out, I thought to
myself, 'It'll be a miracle if she ever walks again.' "
-Chriyus Davis
"What's your type, Hawaiian? 'Cause it could be a while around here."
-Lauren Farmer
"I was trying to remember: did I forget, or did I never know?"
-Andrew, talking about his father's birthday.
"What do you mean we're going to be a big bump on the skin?"
-Naomi, after Gary told her she was going to grow up warped, and she
went to look up what he meant
"Stop flashing everyone!"
-Carla
"I didn't know I was going to see everything!"
-Carla, on being in the birthing room during a birth
"Which would suck!"
-Aaron Montgomery, in reply to my comment about his being in
heaven...before his marriage
"Have you heard about that new detergent for blacks?"
-Alison Ostrander, meaning black clothes
"I just realized how incredibly bad it looked that I knew there was a
good tree to climb by Mullins."
-Michael Butterworth
"You know what I want to see you pull off? A jacket with boardshorts."
-Scott O'Neal
"It seemed like it was something that wasn't widely understood. Or
maybe that was just because I was talking to Sean Malinger."
-Andrew
"And I didn't get stuck out the window, I was trying to see the stars!"
-Emily Dick
"Is Scott the white-haired guy?"
-Brandon Stern
"The only thing that's running through my head right now is that I
really hope I don't fart."
-Kristy White
"Ok, I found my date. I call that mannequin."
-Katy Cavaliere
"I have those socks! But they don't go that high up on my legs."
-Andrew "Stretch" Holley
"And I wasn't eating ice cream, either. Don't tell her that."
-Scott O'Neal
"I would love to play with Rob Smythe because I would feel so smart."
-Emily O'Neal, on playing Taboo
"I had someone ask me, in class, in front of a whole bunch of people,
why I wasn't married."
-Christine Robertson
"Let me rephrase that: A woman with a big ol' 'fro, not a big ol'
woman with a 'fro."
-Chriyus Davis
"Let's talk about you sweating in the shape of a heart. I think
that's romantic."
-Lauren Farmer
"We're sharing lunch now, and this is after your sweaty romantic activity."
-Lauren Farmer
"Huh...wow...well, it does bring to mind that sermon Dr. York preached
toward the beginning of the semester, and in a not-so-abstract sense,
you may have hit the skin on the head."
-Me, to Matt Teves
"Mmmmmmmmm, good morning, David Beckham!"
-Kat Foxworth, to a picture on a wall in her hall...every morning
"Who needs coffee in the morning when you've got David Beckham to wake
you up, right? Just like coffee, he's strong and hot."
-Me...to a flustered but nodding Kat
"Who's the brown one?"
-Emily O'Neal, when looking at a picture and forgetting a certain
brown friend was at her family's house in Columbus
"A world where John Letoto is embarrassed and doesn't know what to say
or do is not a world I want to live in."
-Michael Butterworth
"Abby marches to the beat of her own flute."
-Scott O'Neal
"I love ultimate frisbee, it's my favorite of all the games. If I
could, I would marry it, and I would be Mrs. Jennifer Frisbee."
-Jennifer Miller
"What's a 'good game'?"
-Katie Mohler
"Do you know what I used to do with this stuff when I was little? I
used to give myself french manicures with it."
-R. Lauren Duncan, while holding up a bottle of Liquid Paper
"It's a good thing my kids aren't gonna have tails."
-Trey Fuller
"How do you think that small?"
-Karis Land, when she saw my handwriting
"I like to curl up in the bathroom."
-Pablo Butterworth
"I love the alphabet song, it's a universal song. Well, I guess it's
not a universal song, it's in a different language."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"We're not dumb, we're secretaries at Boyce College!"
-A.D.
"I'm full and I'm dripping out all over the place."
-Dr. Ewart, during a dorm meeting message
"Sounds like a bladder control problem."
-Heidi Marlene Johnson, in response to Dr. Ewart's statement during
dorm meeting
"Do girls just walk up to you and give you food?"
-Sharon Rivers, while I was munching on some monkey bread from Casey
Cashell
"So he slept with me. It was kind of awkward."
-R. Lauren Duncan, about...something
"Dude! When we were talking, she wasn't looking...she was gazing!"
-Boss
"When it's just people being married, you can kind of dismiss it, but
when there are babies growing inside of people...well that's just a
different matter altogether."
-Scott O'Neal
"That's too much chocolate for you!"
-Bobby House III
"Dude, there's a lot of white people up here."
-Kawika, on being in Indiana
"This is great, I don't fall asleep here! There's just so much to grasp."
-Sandi, on the sermons at their church
"I miss you. Especially when I see a badly-dressed male."
-Heidi Marlene Johnson
"Actually, Kason may be following in your footsteps. Last night he
had a thing tied around his head and went to sleep with it. You know,
that ninja look."
-Lisa, to me
"You can't get hurt tonight, you're the only muscle we've got!"
-A certain manager at a certain store
"He's not the only guy, we have Alex. No, wait, Alex doesn't count.
You're right, he is the only guy we've got."
-A certain coworker at a certain store.
"She's the manliest girl I know."
-Christina Thompson
"Now this is no knock on Ryan, but you're a much better looking guy
than he is, and if he can get a girl, so can you. In fact, you're
better looking than most of the guys here."
-Nathan Fulllerton
"Hey, she's a minority, you can marry her...you can make slanty-eyed
kids together."
-Scott O'Neal
"How's the Letoto fan club going? You must have more fans now that
Uch is off the market."
-Goose
"It was the hottest thing I've ever touched...it was as hot as the sun!"
-Robbie Byrd, explaining why he dropped a plate
"I just told Goose...the code word for 'gameover'...'Monopoly Man!'"
-Me, to Leonard, during a conversation about their new endeavor to
take over the airsoft world
"You can take the John out of Government Service, but you can't get
Government Service out of John."
-Goose
"Michelle and I have decided to renew your friendship for the next 12 months."
-Goose
"Use the phlegm, John, use the phlegm!"
-Boss
"How do I join the 'Poked by John Letoto' club? I don't even go to
SBTS, and I'm plagued by the Totopokes."
-Jeff Cavanaugh
"Yeah. But you're a sophisticated jerk."
-Kev, in response to my telling him that I'm a jerk
"I thought about you the other day when I was organizing my shoes. No joke."
-Joel Gasparotto, to me
"No. But several kids."
-Anonymous, in response to the question, "Does...have a love interest?"
"I'm glad it's been a year since I stepped into your life and all
sorts of craziness ensued. Wait. That didn't sound right..."
-Me
"I think these are unthawed."
-Scott Bidwell, commenting on the uncooked chicken
"You mean frozen?"
-Matt Crawford, in response to Scott
"Is Bert holding up his underwear?!?!?!"
-Brent Gambrell, when Bert had washed off in the lake to get the mud
out of his...underthings...since the mud was placed there by a certain
Hawaiian
"He's the closest thing to Black I got here!"
-Trent Davis, a Cedarmore camper, commenting on how a certain Hawaiian
was the most ethnically similar person at the camp
"Nice body!"
-Whitney McClain, to an anonymous Cedarmore male camper, after they
collided at the volleyball net while going for the ball
"I could take you...to a movie."
-Another anonymous Cedarmore male camper, to Whitney, after she was
explaining her mad basketball skills to the group of students
present
"It's my bladder!"
-Jearf Johnson, when looking at his phone as it rang
"John Letoto, you've got more politics than Episode I."
-Pablo Butterworth, when discussing with me the possible (and
impossible) relationships on campus, and the influence (real or
imagined) I have upon them
"At the wedding reception, I heard Stephen Curtis Chapman's I Will
Be Here being played over the speakers. Typical christian wedding
stuff, really. Then I heard the line that goes, 'I will be here, to
watch you grow in beauty.' With my warped sense of humor firmly
assessing its place in the world, my mind immediately translated that
into, 'I will be here, to watch your growing booty...'"
-Me
"Ok, I think I'm going to go for a walk now. Are you at work? I'm
asking you to take a walk with me...I thought I might drop your books
off. I was making sure someone would be there if I did. I'm NOT, NOT
asking you to take a walk with me. Oh my goodness! I just read what
I wrote up there."
-Sarah Cress, from a chat log with me over Instant Messenger
"Here's what I think. If I'm a man, and my wife's a doctor, I golf every day."
-Chriyus Davis, on how Andrew should spend his time in Pennsylvania
"Did he sound winded?"
-Will, after I got off the phone with Andrew...on a certain night...
"Dude, I get paid to dig my nose!"
-Boss
"I don't do that, that would be too unmanly."
-Anonymous Male, said while filing his nails
"More of an acquired taste than kim chee."
-Will, commenting on his appreciation for Hawaiian music
"That's right...I think I should celebrate the day by getting slammed
with Shirley Temples."
-Christin Simpson
"Thanks to you, I'm now known as 'the odds are good but the goods are
odd' girl."
-Christine Robertson, expressing her gratitude toward me for her
blossoming reputation
"Hurry, before the smears come out!"
-Kason, commenting on his need to get to a bathroom stall
"All right everybody, feel flee to crap your hands....wait"
-Andrew Strickland, while leading worship
"She's perfect! She's just like me; there's nothing wrong with her."
-Lisa
"I don't think he'll be spending any nights with you. He has a better
bed partner now."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"I stole de baby from de stupid Daikini!"
-One of the Brownies from Willow
"I stole de baby from you while you were taking a pee-pee!"
-Same Brownie
"Oooohhh...your eyes...your whiskers...I want to kiss you!"
-Drunk Brownie from Willow
"No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher."
-Gary
"It's probably providential."
-Chip Collins
"One more wave."
-Andrew, said while three fingers are held in the air
"Well basically..."
-James McCray
"I wanted to burn the whole thing to the ground."
-RAM, Jr.
"If she's Princess Leia, you're the rogue scoundrel Han Solo stealing
her away from all the decent guys."
-Pablo Butterworth, said to me a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away
"Young men, wholesome and gay. No, just wholesome."
-Dr. Mohler
"Hey! How are you doing?"
-Rob Smythe
"I have two local haole guy roommates who are super tall. I can stand
on the bed and they are still taller than me. But at least I fit in
the bathroom!"
-Boss
"So for the girls, there are only the big singles left?"
-Aaron Filippone
"The girls I'm most attracted to are always a lot like me."
-Darren Thomas
"Hairy in the face and chest?"
-Me, in response to Darren
"Oh, cuss word!"
-Moon Pie
"If you don't realize that Paul Butterworth is singing an 8 minute
long karaoke, there's a lot of things you aren't going to realize."
-Pablo Butterworth
"These *are* my dress socks. They're clean."
-Goose
"Before the throne of God above..."
-Jonathan Leeman...singing
"I hope you sit next to a big, fat person on the airplane."
-Michelle
"Piss on a biscuit!"
-Fritzy
"I saw Toto, and he's black!"
-R. Lauren Duncan
"You know one day you're actually going to kill me, and I'll be
laughing in heaven as they throw your butt in jail."
-Pablo Butterworth
"I couldn't have stood out more if I was riding a brontosaurus through there."
-Jordan Cole
"Can she have a man?"
-Me, said to waitress, gesturing toward Poenie
"I am irresistible to men..."
-Poenie Tree
"Rat has a goosebite! Rat has a goosebite! Rat has a goosebite!"
-AJ, after Goose got a haircut with a nasty ratbite
"Are you pouring some kind of cleaner on the floor where he farted?"
-Tyler Ratliff
"She shook his butt before she shook his hand!"
-Me, on a certain young lady here at Boyce
"Would you look at that BUTT?"
-Pablo Butterworth
"It hurt. I begged him to stop. I cried afterwards."
-Pablo Butterworth
"He speaks and it is as if a writer or poet is speaking to us,
sentence fragments and all. He could totally destroy your life and you
would love him for doing it. (Not that he goes around destroying lives
or anything.)"
-Mike Hilliard, speaking about the Token Hawaiian at Boyce
"Paul, I think we should mate."
-Katy Barnes, to a not so anoymous Boyce male during a game of
Psychiatrist
"You're classic, not metro."
-Elizabeth Foster
"I need ocean."
-Me
"Oh, I have some!"
-R. Lauren Duncan, in response to me
"Me not saying something and you not writing it down are two
completely different things."
-Dr. Draper
"The entire night I just wanted to jump on those lips!"
-Chris...something
"I hated you when I first met you."
-Scott O'Neal
"Barring a lighting strike at the lottery we call, 'New Student Orientation'..."
-Pablo Butterworth
"Do you know why I'm taking his class? One of these days he's going
to die teaching and I want to be there for it."
-Pablo Butterworth
"I have a man-crush on Tom Cruise."
-Pablo Butterworth
"I feel like the loose Jenga block that is easy to pull out."
-Michael Butterworth
"I was childish, foolish even. She makes me feel alive."
-Allison Poplin, posing as Michael Butterworth
"Hey John. How are you sexy? As in, 'How are you, sexy?' Not, 'How
did you become sexy?' "
-Pablo Butterworth
"Stop vacuuming my crack!"
-Chris Sellers
"That's a hot outfit...Letoto, if you were any
taller..."
-Melissa Hermoso
"You smell like my mom!"
-Fritzy, to Banana Republic's favorite Red-Headed Stepchild
"It's Allure for *men*, people!"
-Banana Republic's favorite Red-Headed Stepchild
"Oh Uncle Johnny, I didn't know you could look so handsome!"
-Kayla, when looking at my Kindergarten picture...when I had hair
"We don't want a lot of Scripture to bog us down."
-Michael Butterworth
"I would've introduced the front of my boot to his Specials."
-Billy Reddick
"You remind me of my friend Deanna; she's a female bodybuilder."
-Kristina Pelhank, to me
"I was taking down the donkey from the Nativity scene in our kitchen,
and I thought to myself, 'If I drop the donkey on the floor and it
breaks, then I can tell people that I broke my ass on the kitchen
floor.' "
-Pablo Butterworth
"You see, the difference between me and you is my mouth gets me into
trouble, and yours gets you out of it."
-Aaron Coffey, to me
"The Geisha sleep in certain positions so as not to disturb their
elaborate hairdos, and that's what I was just doing."
-Michael Butterworth
"Excuse me, I do NOT have that much cellulite!"
-Sarah El-Masri
"I don't want to be tied down and have my time consumed by someone
there to say, 'I love you,' to and having to hold hands and shop
together and eat with and no one to hold and cuddle with. I can play
XBox all night long, baby!"
-Pablo Butterworth, said with biting sarcastic wit
"Please stalk me at your earliest convienence."
-Sarah Cress
"There's a two year-old flirting with me!"
-Ashlea Davenport
"I used to have a neck, then something happened."
-Bobby House
"Can I buy three blacks from you?"
-Pablo Butterworth
"Finally, I got up and read my bible; I figured that would put me to sleep."
-Chip Collins
"You're the ugly girl!"
-Candace Boyd
"No, I don't have a jackhammer or an 18-wheeler, but I bet John Moody
does...or at least, John Moody knows someone who does!"
-Scott O'Neal and me
"I grew up with that but in Spanish."
-Liz Mejia
"One day the three of us will be married!"
-R. Lauren Duncan
"We're Portuguese, so we're kinda hairy. But this guy was like a
bear! I had to check the filters after he got out of the pool! And,
he was BIG!"
-Matty Teves
"Noses and ears never stop growing; you're in for a treat, Pablo."
-Me, to Pablo Butterworth
"And who brought Taryn Walker to Boyce College? That's
right...............the Holy Spirit."
-Pablo Butterworth, implying..................something
"That's a good length, that's pettable."
-R. Lauren Duncan, while petting my head
"There's small, there's large, and there's John Letoto Size."
-Kristy Miller
"Uncle Johnny I love you! I'm licking your eyeball!"
-Kason, just after my sister told him that it was time to get ready
for bed and that he had to tell his Uncle Johnny "goodnight," but just
before he licked the phone so as to pretend to lick my eyeball
"Mr. Herringbone understands."
-Katie Mohler
"Corn?!?!?!?! When did I eat corn?"
-Anonymous man in public bathroom, heard by Dr. Rainer, re-told by
Katie Mohler
"Whenever I want to find you on Facebook, I just do a search and type
in, 'butt,' and you come up."
-Me, to Pablo Butterworth
"The chocolate chip in the cookie."
-Leonard, in reference to my tan in comparison with the rest of our
family
"I told Kris I felt like a banana in a bowl of milk."
-Leonard, in reference to playing poker in Las Vegas at a table with 8
white guys
"I promise, I really did check him out before I started dating him!"
-Jewel Graham, on a supposed background spirituality check
gone...uhhh...obviously nowhere
"So I was typing to you and there was dead silence on the phone and
forgot I was on the phone with my mom and she randomly started talking
and it startled me."
-Sarah Cress
"Who's the one whose name begins with a 'J' and ends with an 'N'?"
-R. Lauren Duncan
"Jane!"
-Katie Mohler, in response to R. Lauren Duncan
"I went sniffing once."
-Katie Mohler
"Can you use that in a definition?"
-Sarah Cress
"Go shopping with him and you'll never be satisfied with another man's
shopping again."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"They had her fork here and I ate it."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"What's a thesaurus? Is it like a dinosaur?"
-R. Lauren Duncan
"Every outfit you wear is a statement."
-Scott O'Neal
"Do you guys have a money-changer in the temple?"
-Pablo Butterworth, inquiring as to the whereabouts of an ATM at
Southeast Christian Church
"He likes to sit in my drawers."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"It's like the military here, I have to say, 'Yes, sir!' to my roommate."
-James Losey, about me
"I can't believe you said 'makeout' in front of my mom!"
-Heidi Marlene Johnson
"I live for embarrassing my friends; that, and Jesus."
-Me
"I'm gonna go to the bathroom and fill up this water bottle. Not in
that order."
-Pablo Butterworth
"I eat soap for breakfast."
-Sarah Cress
"I like your hair. It's all going to burn in the end, anyway."
-Rob Smythe
"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
-Christine Robertson, on Southern Seminary's relational prospects
"Puritan Paperbacks? Sounds like a football team or something."
-Janal Prybys
"More than enough Torneros to go around; that's a good thing."
-Pablo Butterworth
"I'm a Samaritan; shun me! Just meet me at the well at 3 o'clock."
-Dan Mack, who is half-Jewish
"This is the first time she's been publicly traded on the Girl
Exchange, and her stock has gone sky-high."
-Pablo Butterworth, talking about a certain Boyce College...person
"Hold me like you used to."
-Pablo Butterworth...Boyce male who's never dated
"This isn't fair--Prybys only got on your wall of quotes because
pretty much anything that proceeds from her mouth is notably
retarded."
-Jessica Cimato
"And afterwards, we're going to play Balderdash."
-Brooke Anderson, to Bobby Wood
"Oh, I love that movie!"
-Bobby Wood, in response to Brooke Anderson
"They have male stores?"
-Katie Mohler
"She looks like...uhhh...some sort of stuffed animal."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"You're just upset because you can't put that on Facebook."
-Michael Butterworth
"Yes, it's my purse."
-James Losey
"There's a stomach virus going around, and every girl on my hall has
been inflicted with The Terror!"
-Kristina Pelhank
"You're like a reality t.v. show...I want to turn the channel and walk
away, but for some strange reason, I can't."
-Sarah Cress
"John gave me a good wedgie."
-Pablo Butterworth
"I won't say whoooole falsehoods..."
-Scott O'Neal, implying that partial falsehoods are ok
"I own too many nice ties not to go to the Spring Banquet."
-Michael Butterworth
"God blessed me with great hair; I'm counting on that to bring me true love."
-Michael Butterworth
"This song was written for my future wife...which is none of you."
-Rob Smythe
"Next year you'll be in the zoo."
-Josh Mimbs, to Aaron Coffey
"I hope I don't get married 'til I'm in grad school so I can pick up
undergrad chicks, too."
-Michael Butterworth
"I have a new vein on my leg. I feel like an old woman...one of those
blue nasty ones."
-R. Lauren Duncan, who was referring to the vein, not to an old woman,
when speaking of it being blue and nasty
"Are you even there listening to my pitiful pleas?"
-R. Lauren Duncan
"May it not be said of me, 'Methinks she doth protest too much',
because really I'm just raising a voice for all of us you choose to
mercilessly poke numerous times throughout the day."
-Jessica Cimato
"'Cause all my good-looking genes can't override someone who's ugly."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"I have some ligament in the car."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"I lost it from all the throwing up I did."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"He's a Filipino knockoff!"
-David Brandt, commenting on me
"No, I'm just occasionally superficial...but not vain!"
-Chris Sellers
"You're a rent-a-cop? Can I rent you?"
-Sarah El-Masri, to me
"You know, if you keep breathing like that when I talk to you about
girls, you're never going to get married."
-Me, to Pablo Butterworth
"I don't sleep with him any more...John, he's older than me, he's
older than you."
-Pablo Butterworth, in reference to his Zoomer
"She's not the kind of guy you'd go for."
-Me
"I can't explain the honor of having two quotes on your profile. It
gives one the sense that they are going to be somebody. Wow."
-Jessica Cimato, to me
"From this angle, I can see everything!"
-Michael Butterworth, commenting on my shirt
"Can I suck some of your blood so that I can be a pirate?"
-R. Lauren Duncan, to me
"If I was bored and had a lot of spare time, I would count how many
pictures of Lauren Duncan I had on my computer."
-Pablo Butterworth
"You are not going to put that on Facebook!"
-Pablo Butterworth
"I don't feel comfortable with you saying that and wearing those shorts."
-Nick Crouse
"They're *macadamia* nuts!"
-Ryan Travis
"Hey, Lance was telling me about this job at the hospital. They
charge you nine dollars an hour!"
-Brian Buck
"Do you think they slimmed your dad down for that picture?"
-Ryan Szrama to Katie Mohler, in reference to the portrait in Heritage
Hall
"Are you ok? I just wet my pants."
-R. Lauren Duncan
"I just want to marry a pastor."
-Blind Brandon
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