Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


My Dreams

It's been refreshing to be home, especially during the Christmas season, yet it's somewhat inevitable that I find myself feeling more than a little disjointed. Kev and Brian and I have discussed this at length for some time now, and we've concluded that it's one of those feelings that comes from knowing you don't belong somewhere for a season. It's not that this isn't "home," or that I feel as though I don't fit in anymore. If anything, I've known this place far too well for far too long to ever get that feeling. Like I've said before, my heart beats truly at home.

Yet I realize that I've changed, and I'll never be the same. I've learned too much, not only about the world in general, but God in particular, and as a natural outflow of that, about myself and about people. Perhaps the overwhelming theme in all this seeking and learning is that there's a whole lot more to what God would have me see than I'll ever be able to learn in this lifetime, and yet, I'm still to keep seeking Him in spite of my finite capacity to learn about and enjoy Him.

How does all of that fit in? I'm not sure, to be honest with you. One of my biggest and, I dare say, baddest fears is that the LORD would grow me.

Yes, I said that.

I want to stay the same. I want to never grow up. I want to be able to surf until the sun goes down every day until I die and see Jesus in heaven. I want the life I've always dreamed of: uncomplicated, simple, and filled with mediocrity.

But you know what? I'd be miserable.

God calls us to take up our crosses and follow Him. He does that, promising unblushingly delightful things for those who forsake all they've always wanted and embrace the all-consuming, world-defying pleasures of the cross. The cross doesn't make sense to the world because it forsakes all the world has to offer, turning every pleasure that doesn't flow from obedience to Christ into an overly-sweetened, idolatrous experience.

Being at home has reminded me of this. As I floated in the water yesterday, I thought about why I was so happy to be at home. I reflected upon the cross, and what made me leave home in the first place. I thought about Jesus' death on the cross, and in particular, the motivation for it. Alton's sermon on Sunday talked about exactly that: why did he want his parents to be saved? Was it so that he might see them in heaven? Or was there an even greater motivation and purpose behind all of his praying?

It's humbling to know that ultimately, Jesus did not die for me. If I were the greatest motivation for His death on the cross, His suffering would have been made atrociously shallow and worthless. The purpose for which He died was so that I might see the knowledge of the glory of God in His face, and in doing so, enjoy Him forever. When we get really practical with that, it means that that's the same reason I feel like I don't belong at home right now. It's because there's a greater, deeper reason for me to get on that plane on the 28th of December, one that is infinitely more worthwhile than what my hopes and dreams can conceive of.

posted by Bolo | 3:34 PM
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