Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



The Boyce College Scandalous Press

Rumor has it that some Boyce College students, in anticipation of the basketball team's first win of the inaugural season, are attempting to keep Achilles, the official Boyce College Bulldog himself, from "letting loose" and "expressing himself" all over the gym floor, as he is prone to do when nervous. How are these proactive students doing this? Well, the use of duct tape has been mentioned, but failing that, former Servant Towel Award winner Robbie Byrd was seen girding himself with the blue towel itself and following Achilles around, plastic bags in hand and around his waist. Robbie's reasoning? "I'm lower to the ground, and Achilles and I kinda walk alike, so I figure I've got the advantage of being able to sniff out when he's gonna blow."

In an effort to aid Jew and those involved in the effort to educate middle schoolers, Brian "Chute-Shooter" Moats was spotted attempting to replicate his now-legendary shoot down the garbage chute in Carver Hall. Mr. Moats even went so far as to calculate when Dr. Draper's Old Testament I class started, and therefore, when our esteemed faculty member should be in class. Unfortunately for Mr. Moats, he neglected to take into consideration that a certain Brown One would Physically Detain our wonderful professor.

Speaking of Jew, middle-school students everywhere are sending him Facebook messages concerning the sin of gluttony, exhorting him to exercise moderation and restraint over this holiday season. He is now in the process of putting together another video in response, and is taking applicants for to replace Buck Buchanan as the "after" guy in the footage. Rumored to top the list is Michael Butterworth, as Butterworth the Younger's hair is something Jew has coveted for quite some time. When asked if he would take Butterworth the Older should his bid for Michael fall through, Jew replied with an unequivocal, "No way! People won't be able to see my hair with my nose in the way!"

Everyone on campus has heard of a guard dog, but it now seems that Boyce College students have taken it to the next level. Since Achilles has been deemed too nervous to perform under pressure, James Losey was seen attempting to employ a guard duck. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the famed frisbee fanatic has placed himself under the protective wing of a feathered friend to keep at bay the foolish fiends with whom Mr. Losey finds fault. What will he think of next? Only time will tell!

posted by Bolo | 5:25 PM
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