Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



Boss would just wait it out. Gary asked the right questions. Kev would understand. Scott, too. Goose sniffed it out. Jon always knew. 'Drew handled it well.

Most don't.

Boss knew I'd be fine. Gary got me to talk. Kev told me he often did the same. Scott would make me laugh. Goose would laugh at me. Jon was good at waiting me out. 'Drew knew I'd talk eventually.

Most don't.

I've found that one of the most relaxing things in this world is being around people that know you well enough to let you be yourself. At the same time, one of the most draining things is being around people that don't know you well when you're in a strange mood, because it can create the inane and incessant feeling that you need to be someone you're not.

I suppose the guys always understood that I wasn't angry, spiteful, or even grumpy. They knew that if I was angry about something, they would've heard about it long before they had to ask. They knew that if I was furious, well...let's just say that it was and is a rare occurrence. I suppose that that's a part of what was so comfortable with those guys; I could always be me, especially if I, as Jon put it, felt "funky."

The funkiness could probably best be described as an intense desire to shut everything out and be alone, even if that meant doing so in the midst of a crowd. My face screws itself up into a look of intense concentration, my gaze goes off into the distance, and my body language screams, "Leave me alone!" The guys were always cool with this; they knew that I'd be fine, and that if they needed me, I'd be there for them. The also knew that if I needed them, I'd ask for their help. Perhaps most importantly, they understood that there was nothing wrong, and that I just needed time to think, time to process, time to be me.

*Sigh*...unfortunately, most don't.

It still makes me uncomfortable when I go into one of my funky moods. Not because I myself am uncomfortable with it, but because I fear what others will think. I hear people telling me not to be grumpy, or asking someone else if I'm ok. I feel the strange looks, and I wish they'd all just go away. I suppose it's somewhat like crying: you don't want anyone to bother you, nor do you want anyone's pity, you just want to be left alone.


posted by Bolo | 10:58 PM
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