Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Thoughts on God: Fire

It was a great summer. It was also a tough summer.

In the back of my mind, I keep wondering, "God, why? God, when?" A friend of mine once told me I was one of the strongest people she knew; I keep wondering where that strength is. Doubts assail me, fears surround me. I wonder if this is the loving crucible God uses to shape His tools. If it is, I must admit that I don't like it a whole lot.

I often feel as though I'm sitting in a darkened room, surrounded by my sins. They hiss at me, claw at me, taunt me. I ask the LORD to shine His light, to show me His glory. When He does, I sometimes wish He didn't; His holy presence shines brightly, showing the sins I would rather were still hiding in darkness. I don't like the way my sin looks; it's ugly, and it isn't something I want to see.

At other times, I feel as though I'm the only one who sits as I do, with such forlorn loneliness. Sometimes, the quiet is peaceful, a blanket of comfort amidst the cacophony of life. Upon occasion, the quiet is a mockery, an infinite void that will never be filled with joy and laughter.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I know it's not true. But you know what? Knowing something isn't true only goes so far when you're alone in your room at 3 in the morning, having journaled the joints in your fingers into an arthritic rigormortis, having called all the friends you dare call at such an hour and hearing nothing but rings and voicemail greetings, and having doubts that you'll ever amount to anything worthwhile, ever be used by God, ever see heaven.

I don't know about you, but I've had many such instances at 3 in the morning.

What's the point of it all?

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distresssed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

Tested by fire...greatly rejoicing with joy inexpressible, full of obtain the salvation of our souls.

posted by Bolo | 11:44 PM
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