Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



The Boyce College Scandalous Press, Summer Sizzler

After hearing about repeated attempts to do a modern-day remake of The Six Million Dollar Man, Patrick Ryan has reportedly been seen badgering directors in Hollywood in a vain effort to get himself into the title role. His reasoning? "Hey Grandma, my right shoulder is already screwed up, my legs are jacked up, and I could definitely use a replacement for both of them, even though they've gotten me through that stint as that hot dancer on the commercials...remember me? Just don't touch my eyes...they're pretty the way they are, and I'm sure Katherine McPhee's gonna be knockin' on my door any day now, 'cause I heard she's a big fan of black people with pretty eyes." The problem with Mr. Ryan's reasoning? First, he was going around in Hollywood, Florida, so all the directors he was seeing were regular people, not movie moguls with any sort of movie-making power. Perhaps his delusion was induced by that newly found illness doctors have termed Idiotis McPheeveritis. Second, Mr. Ryan did not realize that playing the role of Steve Austin is not going to cure his ills; he's an old man with a bum shoulder and cankles, and nothing's going to change that. Third, parlaying his air time on those Joe Boxer commercials into a role as a movie stud is very faux pas, and should be considered beneath him. Besides, everyone knows he's not really black...he's Indian!

Charlotte Burcham, Bible Study Leader for Crossings at Cedarmore, was recently heard trying to justify the sudden and horrific enlargement of her nose to anyone who would listen. "You see, two bears came out of the woods, and they were going to attack my girls. I couldn't let anything happen to them, so I punched one in the gut, but the other caught me upside my nose. I then yelled and screamed for Big Adam to come to my rescue, and they both did, but by the time they got there, my nose had already swollen to mammoth proportions. That's when Big Big Adam said, 'Dude, your's hoog!' After that, everyone forgot about my heroic rescue, and was focused on my nose." Unfortunately for Ms. Burcham, the hoogness of her nose was not really caused by the rescue of the girls from two bears, however biblical a tale that may seem. Indeed, such an increase in nasal prominence wasn't even granted her by something as cool and tragic as putting a bridle on a horse; instead, she merely knocked her shnoz on the top side of her bunk bed.

Apparently, Pablo Butterworth's infatuation with Star Wars is taking on a whole new dimension. In ministering to the Thai people, his supervisor has reported that Mr. Butterworth has employed philosophies woven into the galactic fabric of the Star Wars mythos and has tried to "witness" to the natives by telling them of the savior, the one who has brought balance to the Force. When confronted by Rick, his supervisor, Pablo could only yell out, "Nooooo, you're not my father!" and seemed to throw himself down a flight of stairs.

Ashlea Davenport, sometime Boyce College student, was reportedly seen stealing wigs from a local thrift store, with Sarah Cress driving the getaway vehicle. Rumors abound as to why Ms. Davenport was stealing wigs, but foremost on the list seems to be the notion that outlandish hats are no longer working for her during her exams, and therefore, she's going through somewhat of an identity crisis. A tiny portion of the Michigan community thinks that this is why she's going on a blogging hiatus, and has urged the elders at IBC to convene a special member's meeting specifically for this purpose...that is, the blogging hiatus, not the theft.

Speaking of stealing, a question of identity seems to plague Boyce College students this summer. Michael Butterworth and Chris Maschke are now answering to each other's names, and have done so to the great consternation of those around them. Mr. Maschke has been heard saying, "Hey, I can't help it if I have Boyce College's greatest hair! I mean, if I can't marry for true love, at least there's no way my wife won't be in love with my hair." Mr. Butterworth, on the other hand, has been telling coworkers at all 8 of his jobs, "Man, all night long I just wanted to jump on those lips." It seems Boyce College's star-crossed odd couple has taken their status as roomies to a whole different level.

Reports from Europe state that Boyce College's very own Miss March has taken her act overseas. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Miss March was seen signing Southern Seminary calendars in none other than Italy! She tried fending off her adoring fans and the paparazzi, yet to no avail. Miss March even attempted to employ some means of logic, telling the Italians, "Look y'all, March 2006 is already past us! You've got to turn the page and move on!" The passionate people of Italy would only reply with all sincerity, "Oh Miss March, for us, it shall always be March of 2006! No other month will do!"

posted by Bolo | 5:45 PM
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