Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



The Boyce College Scandalous Press

Ryan Szrama, of 501 Camp fame, has reportedly been seen wandering around his neighborhood, inquiring of his fellow Louisvillians if they know how to acquire manliness. Being that his recent activities have included playing with chainsaws, climbing through the highs and wides of the arboreal countrysides of Kentucky, and speaking fondly and conqueringly of towers wherein lay a Maiden enchantingly fair, one might think that Sir Szrama has indeed already found manliness. But has he? Rob Smythe, his roommate and therefore also of 501 Camp fame, has said that Sir Szrama is certainly no more or less manly now than he was when they first moved in together. What that means, precisely, cannot be entirely discerned, for Mr. Smythe was quite mysterious when pressed for further information. Also, the verdict has yet to be read on whether or not the aforementioned chainsaw activities actually involved the said chainsaws to be turned on.

Speaking of roommates, Cassie Mac Puskar has attained a new social stratum by moving in with Seminary Females. She claims that her roomies are quiet, peaceable, and passionate lovers of Jesus. Miss Puskar also says that her roommates are quite adorable, and all of them follow the rules for Seminary Females as laid out in codes of Campus Conduct with dutiful devotion. In fact, Leviticus 13 is the passage they've been going through for roomie worship in recent days. Whether or not this is true, no one knows for certain, but LMPD has said that each time one of the neighbors calls to complain about the ladies' rowdiness, LMPD dispatchers inform the neighbors that should forgive the girls "not up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

A certain Matthew Joiner was recently overheard in an elevator telling his cat-eyed companion (who shall otherwise remain nameless) that the rash on his legs was very quickly spreading "upward and all around." Unfortunately for Mr. Joiner, his diagnosis held no hope for him, as the doctors treating him were reportedly mystified by this most mortifying malady, telling him that his rash seems to be...ummm...well..."crotchety."

Robbie Byrd, stunningly vertical man that he is, is now introducing himself by saying, "I'm Robbie Byrd from Johnson City, Tennesee. I stand four feet, thirteen inches tall. Pleasure to meet you!"

In our last report of a certain Miss Ashlea Davenport, she was rumored to have been stealing wigs from a local thrift store. In the time since, Miss Davenport has freely confessed her scheme to the elders at IBC, weepingly informing them that it was jealousy that drove her to her obsessive thievery. When she was pressed further, all she could do was cry out, "I know, I know, it was a hair-brained idea, but I did it anyway!"

Michael Butterworth, named by Kristin Yeldell as having the campus' Best Hair, was on pins and needles as he went to get his 'do chopped by someone not named Wayne, or Gipson, or Sellers. Eyewitnesses said that Butterworth the Younger was on his knees in front of the barbershop, praying to God, Buddha, Sufjan Stevens, Toto, and whoever else might have been listening, that grace might be imparted to keep his infamous mop from suffering unjustly, and to keep him in good shape for the next Hair Off. Apparently, all went well, and Butterworth the Younger now claims he never prayed any prayers that would keep him from going to the Sufjan Stevens concert in Louisville next month.

posted by Bolo | 4:28 PM
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