Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Questioning the Questions

It's nearly three in the morning, and I'm still not close to being asleep. Thoughts are scurrying through my head like rats used to scurry overhead in Ala Moana's food court. For some reason, that tends to happen to me in the early morning hours.

I'm thinking about Jesus. Or rather, my lack of thinking about Jesus. How so? Well...hmmm. One good example might be food. While I was at home, I ate like a king. While those who were witness to my plundering of prodigious provender would likely agree that I ate at a voracious rate, there is no doubt that they'd also agree that I savored my food. Was there a smile on my face? Absolutely! Sashimi, kal bi, meat jhun, lomi salmon, poi, poke, hamachi, crab legs, kim chee, tae gu, kalua pig, mango from the Uchida tree...mmm :) Even now, as I try to recall all of the delicious delicacies I partook of, my countenance is one of dreamy contentment and longing.

The question I now pose to myself is this: do I savor Jesus with even the tiniest measure of the same fervor?

The night before I flew out, I hung out with Kev for a while. He told me some things about myself that I've been chewing on all week, things that have made me go, "God, is that really me?" When I asked Kev to tell me his impression of me, he came up with a strange illustration. I won't detail it here, mostly 'cause I'd probably screw it up, but the core of it goes something like this: in Kevin Mikami's eyes, John Letoto sees things a little differently. Understand that conversations between Mr. Mikami and Mr. Letoto are often long and meandering, yet when they're at their best, focus with laser-beam intensity upon Jesus. The point of all this? Kevin often gets to hear my mind and heart when they're going full bore, and has consistently seen sides of me that not a whole lot of people have. He seemed to be telling me, in words that seem like a blur to me just now, that I see and savor Jesus in a way most people around us just don't.

In sharing this here, I do not mean at all to come across as trying to make a statement. If anything, I'm asking a question. Why? Because, quite honestly, I don't know what to think of what Kev told me. I really am asking God if that's really me that Kev was describing. I don't know. Do I want to know the answer to that? Can I handle the answer to that? I don't know. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of the implications.

*Sigh*...what I do know is this: I want to savor Jesus. That's it, plain and simple. That's all I want for my life. Even if that means I'm a garbage man who savors Jesus. That's really all I want.

posted by Bolo | 2:59 AM
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