Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Journaling Along the Journey

The following are all excerpts from journal entries. Some are definitely more recent than others, some are so old I thought to myself as I read them, "That really happened?"

Wednesday, May 18, 2005
What does the summer hold? What fruit shall I bear to Your glory, Lord? I told Brian the other night that what must be of import is personal, inward holiness, and not merely external cleanliness. befits Your house, O Lord! I overlook that very, very quickly. What does holiness mean? What does a heart that is holy look like? Holy, holy, are the Holy One of Israel, the one worthy of all glory, honor, and praise. *Sigh*...such words fail, though! My heart is numb, Lord! Your gospel is not burning within me! Where is the desperation that ought to be pouring forth from my heart? Where is the broken and contrite heart of Your beloved ones? Oh Lord, in Your faithfulness, do not forsake me, do not leave me! Help me, heal me, for from You only does my help and salvation come.

Saturday, January 1, 2000
Wow, first time I wrote "00" for a date!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005
I'm on the way home, flying somewhere over the continent as I write. So much has been going on. Grandpa died Saturday. I'm not sure how I feel about that...sad...happy...uncertain...numb...removed...*sigh*. I don't know. Saturday, I was in the room, praying and reading Scripture, trying to get a right perspective on things. Still, I don't know, ya know? People have been great, and those who've heard have been very caring. *Sigh*...but what of it? Where's my heart? Do I even want to be at home for the right reason? Is my heart in the right place? Am I walking in righteousness? I don't know! *Sigh*...

Saturday, January 15, 2000
The shocking part was when Andrew told me that he had started to develop these "feelings" for girls; not necessarily for one girl, but for girls in general. (If he starts acting funny, I'm going to have to shoot him.) We came up with a term for this effect: "Melting," since he's Iceman, and the "ice" toward the opposite sex is melting. I told him that I was both happy and distressed for him.

Monday, June 5, 2006
He's married. It's hard to believe, it seems to be all so unreal, but Andrew is married. Wow. It's 1:30 in the morning, and I'm sitting at the table in Grandma Chang's house. It's not sad to me that Andrew isn't here; if anything, I'm happier for the solitude, 'cause that means that he and Sandi really and truly are married. That, more than anything else right now, brings me joy. How many times had we spoken about it? How many times had we pondered what You had in store for us, Lord? Little did either one of us ever suspect that it would be like this. Yet, I daresay that it couldn't have been any more perfect than this.

Tuesday, September 2, 2003
Today is Scott's birthday. He's a whole 20 years longer a teenager. I treated him to lunch in the cafeteria; classy stuff :)

Thrusday, February 6, 2003
Goose told me last night that he and Michelle are getting married on the 4th of May. That *bleep*. I checked the syllabus, and the day after is the only class day where I don't have a quiz or something.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005
It was two years ago today. A flight out of Honolulu, going to LAX, and life would change forever. Nothing would ever be the same, nothing would go back to normal. So much has happened since I first left, so much has much has been for the better? Lord, I'm still that scared little boy that didn't know if he'd ever come home again. I'm still trying to figure out if I'll belong...ever again.

Saturday, January 4, 2002
The days creep by, one by one, and it seems so strange to think that I'm leaving Hawai'i. Home. I know, I know, we are never truly at home until we are with You, Lord, yet I'm still very much in love with what I have here. It's not easy to leave...but I know that I must, no matter how crazy it seems. There's so much to experience, so much to grow through. I feel, like Brian said, that I must step out of the boat and onto the water. I'm scared, Daddy. I don't know what will happen to me, or how I'll handle the things that will occur. So I pray for Your guidance, for Your wisdom, for Your provision. I ask that You flood my heart with Your hope...glorious, beautiful, strengthening hope, that does not succumb to the lies of Satan, but is founded upon Your promises, and upheld by Your sovereign hand.

Saturday, August 17, 2002
I remember talking to Kathy Uchida a couple weeks ago, and she said something that's stuck with me...she said I try so hard to understand You, and I get very frustrated when I don't "get it" as fast as I'd like. Maybe another part of Your grace is the slowness, the difficulties, the struggles that come with dealing with myself and learning to accept Your love and grace.

Thursday, January 1, 2004
Scott O'Neal. I remember meeting him at the Spring Retreat. That was the start a blessed friendship! I remember praying with him at was the first of many such prayer walks. I remember the day he took me home in Caleb's truck, and he asked me to for "a favor," wanting to be able to confide in me. Wow...

Tuesday, December 28, 1999
Brian and I are quickly becoming very good friends...we feel as if we can trust each other implicitly. The accountability we have is something I've gone through life without, and I don't want to do that any more.

Friday, August 24, 2001
Brian leaves today...I move today...I feel the change of yet another season.

Sunday, May 11, 2003
I'm sitting in Pu'unui Park right's somewhere near midnight. In some ways, I wish dawn would never come, so I could just sit here and be with You and not leave again. I love it here. Some nights I'd come and watch the moon rise over the Ko'olau mountain range, wordlessly caught in an agonized awe of what my eyes saw and my soul beheld. Others would find me walking and talking to You, praying for Family, complaining about them, or simply pondering "stuff." Now, as I sit here, I cannot help but yearn for all the days past and all that they mean. I wonder how much I missed, how I could have done things differently. I guess there are all sorts of "what if's" and "woulda, coulda, shoulda's," but I don't think that's where my focus needs to be, is it, Lord? *Sigh*...I'm weak, foolish, arrogant, and wayward. Open my eyes to see what You want me to see, and grant me the grace to trust You as I am unfolded before You.

posted by Bolo | 5:10 PM
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