Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


The Question

I was thinking today about the upcoming semester. Starting Friday morning, new students living on campus will be moving their belongings into Carver and Mullins. That evening, they'll be turned over to their Howdy Group Leaders (one of whom is yours truly) for some "get to know you" ridiculousness, in addition to the practical "here's what you really gotta do now that you're here" stuff. Before then, however, the entire Boyce Student Leadership...uhhh...people will head up to Cincy for a little training and prep. Am I looking forward to it? Sort of.

Here's what I was thinking about today. Rewind to one year ago. I remember when Chiyus got back into town. He had picked up Blind Brandon, and the three of us went out to eat at Cheddar's. It was great to see those two, especially after a long summer of not really being in contact with them. The leadership retreat was different, too. I remember being together with everyone, and how excited we were for the new school year. We'd been preparing all summer, and things were finally coming to fruition. One thing struck me that stuck with me through the thick and thin of the entire school year: when we were standing there, worshiping the Lord together, we were a bunch of people who represented the church leaders of tomorrow. In all seriousness, even today. To worship the Lord in that environment was special; fervor and reverence for the Lord was prevalent, yet with an overwhelming regard for beholding the Lord as He intends to be seen in Scripture. It was a sweet realization, and I remember thinking that that room was a microcosm of what Boyce College was like as a whole.

At least, what it should be like.

Sometimes, the fresh glow of ministry wears off, and the varnish begins to show a little tarnish. That's kind of how I feel going into this school year. I have many questions, but not a lot of answers. I would love to have a few more weeks of summer, time I'd use to recoup and refresh myself before I pouring into others. Still, that's not going to happen, and life waits for no one.

A little over a year ago, before the school year started, I remember telling Leeman that I was looking forward to the start of the new semester. A part of that was because that school year would bring with it the reminder of why the Lord brought me to Boyce in the first place. In another sense, seeing those people I'd come to love would remind me of the Lord's glorious work in the lives of those whom He calls, and I was looking forward to that. Yet, I also told Jonathan that that was not the right reason for wanting things to start. Why's that? It's because of who God is. Although seeing people I'd love to see is a great thing, and being reminded of what the Lord's doing in my life is always welcome, I felt like my hope was...well...misplaced. I remember telling Leeman that I was looking for a distraction from my failure.

I told him that I wanted to be excited for the start of the school year for Christ's sake. If I couldn't rejoice over all aspects of life because I was seeing this life with the joy of salvation in my heart, what reason would I have had to rejoice at all? Or, put differently, in whom does my soul truly delight?

That's what I'm thinking about now. In a little over twelve hours, I'll be hitting the pavement with folks that share a passion for the Lord. I wonder about what's in my heart; am I going for Christ's sake, or am I going to show everyone how spiritual I am? Will I genuinely desire to see what the Lord is doing in their hearts, or will I feign interest in order to gain brownie points in a friendship or two? That sounds rather cold and calculating, doesn't it? The sad part is, that doesn't even begin to cover a fraction of how horrible and self-seeking my soul can be.

The summer's been rough, and I find that I've arrived at the same core question that faced me at the end of last summer: In whom does my soul truly delight? That question is not one that is answered only once; rather, it is to be asked constantly, soberly, searchingly, and rigorously.

posted by Bolo | 11:15 PM
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