Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



Have you ever felt like you just want to cry? Have you ever felt like you can't cry, no matter how hard you try? Jeremy Salmon once said to me that he wanted to crawl up into God's lap and lay there. I feel like that a lot these days. What's sad is that I don't think people really see that.

Part of it is my own fault. Sometimes, it's the carefully constructed "Metro" (their word, not mine) exterior that others see. If not that, then what may come across is a certain aloofness that won't allow anyone else outside of the inner circle in. Or, in what befuddles and amuses me at the same time, it seems that some guys find me...inimidating. At least, that's what Poenie said three guys said. I was hands-down the most intimidating guy they knew on campus. They didn't even hesitate, she said. Of course, now that those three know me, they realize how absurd that notion is. just points me back to my weakness and vulnerability ...or, the apparent lack of it.

I wonder what people see. Do they see the frustration, the fear, the little boy inside? Do they even realize how deeply I struggle with sin, with the mere basics of faith? I'm reminded that a handful of my closer friends once...well...did not exactly think very much of me when they first met me. Jaimeson...Scott...Howard (that dislike was deserved)...the list goes on.

*Sigh*...I'm not out to make friends...that's not the point. Honestly, I could care less if people don't like me. (Ooooh, I could get in trouble for saying that...hehehe.) The point is that I just want to make sure that people are really seeing me. Forget the Kenneth Cole shoes and the vintage Aloha shirts - what about my heart? Is that being seen? Unfortunately, these days my heart is being squeezed with the Lord's tender mercy. He doesn't always seem merciful, but He is. That much, I am certain of. Beyond that, I do not see. Perhaps if I were to cry, my tears would wash away the blindness...both mine and theirs.

posted by Bolo | 5:22 AM
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