Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Blogging Thoughts

So. As I pondered today what I'd be writing for this post, I thought of the various ways this blog has changed over the two-plus years it's been in existence. At first, it served as a means by which I could alleviate the need to generate those hideously generic mass emails that I sent out when I first arrived here. At that point the blog scene was still relatively tame, and had not yet acquired the status of "homepage replacement" that would be thrust upon it. Therefore, keeping a blog was...well...somewhat unique. From the outset, however, my main desire was to keep the blog as an outlet of sorts for my own sanity. Not a replacement for my journal, mind you, but a creative outlet, one with an aesthetic form and systematic shape that would allow me to clothe my thoughts in whatever fashion I desired. As Chaucer said in A Knight's Tale, "I'm a writer...I give the truth scope!" As time went on and the reader base expanded beyond those whom I knew from home, the purpose of the blog inevitably changed. It became more than a canvas upon which I would paint the pains and joys of my soul; my humble little blog, like it or not, became a public display through which friends and strangers alike would peer into my life and keep tabs. It became more than just an occasional means of communication; it became constant and consistent.

This change holds inevitable frustration for me. The creative introvert in me likes to think that when I write, I write for myself. Well, myself and God, but humanly speaking, for myself. The socialite likes the attention and thrives in the public aspect of the blog. But you know what? It's times like these, times when I keenly feel the bite of my need to be alone, that I'm sorely tempted to change the URL of the blog to something ridiculous and impossible to locate, or to take it offline entirely. Why? So that I could write exactly what I want to write, without the feeling that someone was looking over my shoulder, giving approval to my syntax and diction. It's always been one of my guiding principles in keeping this blog to write to please myself, not anyone else. Yet, when I feel this dark, this lonely, I feel the need to either hide the blog or write some big fat lie by saying all is cheery.

All this to say that right now, I'm what Jon used to call "funky". "Funky" meant that I felt almost irrationally introverted and impetulant to the point of frustrating the dickens out of anyone who wanted to talk to me. Almost anybody short of Jesus could walk into the room right now and I'd tell him or her to go away. *Sigh*...

But you know what? I don't feel bad for it. If anything, I'm glad I get like this from time to time. A constant need to be around people would drive me nuts. Several weeks ago, Gary told me to write. Go out in nature and write. Listen to God, process my thoughts, let my feelings flow, and write. It's a part of who I am, a part of the intrinsic makeup that makes me me, one of the key and necessary activities that are good for my soul. So you know what I'm going to go and do?

Read :)

posted by Bolo | 11:34 PM
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