Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Weak and Weary

I can't remember the last time I've felt this worn out. Well...if I think hard enough, I probably could...but I don't want to think about such things...too tiring. I was talking to Kim and Amanda yesterday, and Kim asked me how I'd been doing. I told her that if Jesus were to come back soon, very soon, I'd have no problem with that. I just wanted to crawl up into God's lap and lay there. I feel tired of fighting sin, tired of feeling sinful, tired of sinning. I come to loathe the things I must do and the ways I fail at doing them...over and over and over again. I hate the dissatisfaction I feel within my heart, as if God were not enough, as if He were not truly satisfying. Is He not the vine, the living water, the spring of all I long for? He is; yet I ignore Him. *Sigh*...I hate feeling so exhausted, and knowing that the season of exhaustion has not yet fully exhausted itself.

Amanda said that she was encouraged to hear me say that. She'd been reading something similar just the night before, about how it is proper for us to yearn for Christ, and how such yearning comes about from being weak and weary of our battles with the world. I thought to myself, this is encouraging? How ironic, then, that I feel as though I'm throwing around piles of dung everywhere I go, especially when asked how I'm doing.

I shouldn't be surprised by that, though. When I see someone I dearly respect tell me that they're hurting, suffering, and struggling in their sins, I am reminded that they are just as desperate for Christ as I am. What's more, I am struck at how much more like Christ they seem to me in their moments of weakness than I am by their moments of apparent strength. *Sigh*...I'm still exhausted, but if that exhaustion drives me all the more to grip the cross with every ounce of desperation I can muster, then I pray I become even more weak and weary before all is said and done :)

posted by Bolo | 1:03 PM
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