Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



"And I mistake my happiness for blessing."

Sitting in Founder's today with Raleigh and Gina, Raleigh quoted that line from Caedmon's Faith My Eyes. I thought to myself, "what the heck is Raleigh Sadler doing reading my mind?" He wasn't, but that's what it felt like, 'cause that's the line that's been running through my head as of late. My perspective on life and its manifold lumps and bumps has been challenged greatly in recent weeks and in particular.

I remembered something about myself today that I'd forgotten. What it is, I won't say, but I will say this: discovering it has brought about...well...a certain degree of sadness. Along with such sadness comes an influx of questions designed to address that sadness, with the hope that I'll better understand why I am the way I am. How do I deal with myself? How do I handle myself in the world, knowing that I am a certain way? How do I balance all of that? How do do do I? It's when pondering the answers to those ever constant questions that I find something: even though I'm not really getting closer to any real answers, I am getting closer to seeing how I'm blessed, despite the perceived lack of happiness those questions bring. Does that make sense? I hope so. (You know, Gary once said my writing reminded him of Paul's, because he had to read what we wrote several times in order for him to make sense out of it. I have a feeling he'd say the same about this post...hehehe.)

So yes, today I feel...sadness. But even though that sadness puts a bit of a damper on my countenance, I'm forced to consider something: it's a sadness is a blessing. Wow. That's a heavy thought, you know? It's one that gives me pause, raises my head, and humbles me. I don't deserve this blessing. I don't deserve to be able to explore the deepest reaches of my heart and perceive it in the light of Truth, nor do I deserve to be able to rejoice in my sadness, for this is a part of all that the Lord is working for my good. Yeah...this is all for my good.

posted by Bolo | 6:59 PM
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