Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



What a wretched worm I am. Today in class, Chip invented a word to describe the state of Man in our sin: "worminess." Tonight, in Dorm Meeting, the Lord graciously provided but a tiny glimpse into just how much of my worminess I squirm to avoid. He showed me my pride in all its ugly, selfish horror. Words cannot describe just how prideful I am, and I've a hunch that this process of seeing my worminess anew is only the beginning. Good; I wouldn't want it to be the end!

As we walked that familiar, quiet road behind Carver Hall, I told Scott that the Lord had pounded me tonight. I told him that He showed me how I compare myself to other students, that even if I don't say it with my words, I consider myself better than them in my heart. I talked about James McCray, who shared tonight about ministering to an unreached people group in the Northwest Territories over our winter break; his ministry took place in weather that was thirty below on the "warm" days. I told Scott that I'd often judged James, thinking myself better because I seem more socially adept. Fool! James is obeying the Lord with all his heart; who am I to compare? *Sigh*...what a proud sinner I am. Why such pride in my heart? I told Scott that I did what they tell athletes never to do: read their own press clippings. In other words, I started to believe what others had been saying about me, and I stopped listening to the one voice that truly matters. *Sigh*...sin is so conniving!

Andrew had written that he and I are the same before the cross, kneeling there shoulder to shoulder as sinners bought with Christ's precious blood. I'd forgotten that that applies not only to me and him and Scott and Rob and Brian, but also to all the others at Boyce College...and all those whom the Father has chosen. We are all equals before the cross! We have no greater hope, and no lesser hope. How dare I look upon others and scorn that very hope by making a mockery of the blood that Christ shed for us! Is Christ's blood not sufficient? Hardly. Why, then, do I look down upon my brother or sister and see their supposed deficiencies? Do they not have every spiritual blessing in Christ? Yes, they do! So am I not to be awed by the gracious work of the Lord in the heart of my fellow Christian? Yes, I am!

Yet I am not. At least, I chose to be so only when I am around some people. What a hypocrit.

One of the songs we sang during the worship set spoke about the creation giving praise to the Lord. As we sang that, I thought about how Jesus said that the very rocks would cry out if He were not praised. What hit me then was how the rocks and trees, as simple and unimpressive as they can be at times, are doing exactly what they were created to do, and in doing so, they give the Lord glory as they were designed to. In my sinful nature, however, I do not do what I was created to do, for my sin corrupts the Lord's glorious design! That design was to enjoy the Lord, to give praise to His name through that enjoyment. Instead, my sin causes me to act as an enemy toward the Lord; enjoyment of the Lord is the last thing my sinful acts allow. It amazed me, therefore, to think that in Christ, the Father intended to restore that original design, and is doing so right now. In His gracious sanctification, He restores me to what He the original design of man was, and more.

*Sigh*...this semester is going to be tough, but not for the reasons I had originally thought. I told Scott that I would need him this semester, more than any other. But that's because it's so easy for me to be comfortable here, so easy for me not to be desperate. I could easily walk into the cafeteria and sit with a bunch of people that know me, and forget to look for the lonely one who no one knows is hurting. I told him that I'm operating with my head up my butt; he asked how that's different from normal ;) But yes, there is a definite need for accountability and trust in my life, and I can only trust that the Lord will continue to bring me back to where I need to be when I stray, because my straying is takes me far and occurs often.

You know, it's strange to me that such a humbling experience should bring such joy; yet it does. I cannot fathom why the Lord would put up with my wanderings, yet He does. Even more, I know that He delights to show me mercy and bring me back to where I need to be: kneeling at the cross with my brothers and sisters. Today in class, Chip said that the highest title he could ever have is "Brother," because in Christ, we are truly brothers and sisters. I long to serve my brothers and sisters in humble joy. Indeed, humble, joyful service is incredibly enjoyable, for in seeing and savoring Christ, the lower I go, the more glorious the view :)

posted by Bolo | 1:16 AM
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