Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Yes, confusion.

It's hard to believe, it really is. I was home...home...I didn't dream it, and I didn't make it up, but in a way, I wish I were dreaming right now. Coming back would be hard, really hard...I knew that before I went. I just didn't know it would be this hard.

In a post from yesterday, I wrote that I haven't ever felt this confused in my life. When I had told that to Boss the other night, he looked at me in shock. Yeah...that's how tumultuous I feel inside. I know what I need to do, but when I look at all the pro's and con's, I find that every pro could be a con, and every con could be a pro. I told Kev as I was waiting at the airport terminal the other night...was that really just the other night?...that I recalled to mind a little Lord of the Rings dialogue between Frodo and Sam, when Frodo was leaving Middle-earth to go to Valinor:

Frodo: Do not be too sad, Sam. You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole, for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be, and to do.

Sam: But I thought you were going to enjoy the Shire, too, for years and years, after all you have done.

Frodo: So I thought too, once. But I have been too deeply hurt, Sam. I tried to save the shire, and it has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, Sam, when things are in danger: some one has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them.

I want so much to be be whole while I'm here on earth. But I don't know if that's meant to be. What I told Kev I'm now asking myself is whether or not I'm like Frodo or Sam in this; in other words, which, if any, of those things I love most will I need to give up in order to save them? Will I watch my niece and nephews grow up? Or will I know a deeper joy in daily beseeching the Lord for grace upon their lives from a painful distance? Will I once again enjoy ministry by Andrew's side at FCF, the church we grew up in, or will I hear over the phone even more about the painful trials that the elders and pastoral staff are going through? What if I do go home for the summer? Will that mean I'd suddenly find myself forgetting about those here at Boyce College, those faces that I've come to know and love? And what about that other face? I know a lot of people who go home for the summer, and going home shouldn't be that big a deal, right? *Sigh*...whatever. I told Jewel last night that even if my family were here, I'd still want to be in Hawai'i. Hawai'i is still Home...and while I'm in this world, nowhere else will ever truly be Home. Perhaps, despite my confusion, you can see my conundrum, even if just a little of it. Are you confused by what I'm saying? If you are, join the club...I'm still trying to sort through everything.

Despite that...dang...being home was good.

posted by Bolo | 1:09 AM
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