Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Broken and Afraid

I've said before that when I think of or try to describe some of my closest friends, a word or phrase will pop into my head that encompasses whom I perceive them to be. Several years ago, a friend of mine told me that when she thought of me, one word would pop into her head: broken. She said it was because I was always seeming to desire to be broken before the Lord...more than anything else, that was what my heart sought after.

As I drove back today from Columbus, I had a lot of time to think and reflect on the state of my heart. What desires do I have for this new year? What delights do my heart yearn after? How much do the things I say I delight in match up with the things I truly delight in? There's a tremendous difference between the two; if I'm not careful to constantly search my heart for the deceptions it so easily embraces, the lines between the two will quickly become blurred. And, as many of us know from experience, such a state of heart is not one from which we can clearly discern the will of the Lord, nor one that allows us to freely delight in Him. The truth of this was like icy water on my slumbering soul; what a waker-upper! When all is said and done, what will be said of me? Will the Lord say I was a servant that sought to be broken before Him? A broken and contrite heart, O Lord, You will not despise. Or will I be the unfaithful bride, the lukewarm church that He spits from His mouth?

This new year holds so much promise. Will that promise be fulfilled? How will I live? *Sigh*...those are answers that will not come quickly, nor easily. As I sat with Chriyus tonight, I told him I'm afraid. Afraid. Afraid is not a word I often use to describe myself to others, save with those I trust. Perhaps it's because I'm insecure; perhaps it's because I'd rather not entrust my weaknesses and fears to just anyone. Yet tonight, I said I was afraid, and I meant it. It seems that I've only just begun to realize that the Lord gave me certain gifts and abilities that are unique, and as is the case, I must entrust myself to the Lord, that He might develop them and use them. I know, I know, that sounds retardedly obvious. Understand, however, that it's not the responsibility that I'm realizing, it's the fact that I have these gifts at all. This is a scary predicament to me; growing up, I never thought I was "talented." I still shudder to say that word in relation to myself. I'd rather not, to be utterly honest. Still, I cannot shy away from what the Lord has given this ungrateful child of His. *Sigh*...believe me, I've already spent enough time running from the Lord, and I don't want to do any more of that.

What is somewhat...intriguing...about this revelation is that I still have no idea what this means for my future. Oh, it's so like the Lord to do this! He shows but bits and pieces, and only as His perfect wisdom deems necessary does He reveal what He has in store for His beloved children.

Chriyus told me I have this uncanny ability to pull illustrations out of nowhere. Hehe...I don't know if I should share this, but I will. He said he was preaching a couple weeks ago, and in the midst of his sermon, an illustration just popped into his head. He immediately launched into the illustration, and when he was done, he said that he thought to himself, "that was something John Letoto would've done!" In his Alabama accent, he told me it was "John Letoto-esque!" I laughed in appreciation, but also in trepidation. Is that something I really do? Is that ability something that other people don't have? What's more, is that knack for spontaneous, analogous thought something that others recognize as being uniquely mine? I suppose you could say such creative thought comes because I see life through a certain lens, or series of lenses. (I don't think those lenses are rose-colored; perhaps they're "blood-colored"...Jesus' blood.) Whatever the case, that's just one example of the ways I'm realizing the Lord has gifted me, and with such gifting comes responsibility. The ironic thing is that I've poured a great deal of energy into learning how to coast through life. I've done the minimum necessary to get by, and my personality is such that I'm prone to continue to do just that.

But you know what? I won't. I can't. My Lord Jesus died that I might live, and live life to the fullest! If He's given me the means to help others do the same, I cannot sit idly by and watch them wallow in the muck and mire of life's leftovers. There is a feast to be had at the table of our Savior, and I must go and guide others into the dining hall...even if I'm afraid.

posted by Bolo | 11:47 PM
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