Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



Home is a place you're supposed to feel comfortable at, a place you're supposed to be able to be yourself. Home is a place where you're able to let your proverbial hair down, and help others to do the same. Indeed, home ought to be the place where you best express who you truly are, and where those who know you best see you for who you truly are.

Why is it, then, that I find myself questioning my very right to be at home?

That's the main jist of the thought that continually ran through my brain today. Why such an alienating ponderance? It's simple: I don't really belong here right now. Ouch. That's a rough one for me to admit, it really is. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's not like that comes as a surprise. I've known for well over a year now that the place the Lord has me in life does not involve me staying at home for an extended period of time. Furthermore, that probably won't be changing any time soon.

Still, feeling like you don't belong at home is a tough pill to swallow.

Along with that comes the struggle to be the John I really am, and not just the John people expect me to be. *Sigh*...I've been gone for over a year and a half. During that time frame, a lot has happened, a lot. I know I'm not the same person that people remember, but I'm not sure how to go about showing them that. Do people see the changes? What changes do they see? Am I coming across as too critical? Do they see my life as one lived in a manner worthy of the gospel? Am I being Salt, am I being Light? Am I the very aroma of Christ? I wish I knew the answers to those questions, I really do. But I don't...I don't. I can only wake up each morning and trust the Lord. I want so much to control what people think about me; that's a fruitless and foolish endeavor. As in all of life, I can only look toward Christ, trust Him, seek Him, love Him, and follow hard after Him. After all, if anyone knows what it's like to face the uncertainties of feeling like He doesn't belong amongst His own people, it's Jesus :)

posted by Bolo | 11:51 PM
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