Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


7.25.2004  

Mood Point

Last night at work, I was in a rather melancholy-reflective-not quite moody-uncertain-pensive-eureka phenomena prone sort of mood.  Surprise, surprise, eh?  Yeah right.  Why such a state?  I'm not sure. 

 

I thought a lot about the males in my family...I realized that out of all the people back home, I miss and worry about them the most.  Pops...Leo...Kawika...Kyle...Kason...and now, Jeff.  How, you ask, did I come to this conclusion?  It was Kason, really.  There's no reason I should miss one nephew more than the other, save for the fact that Kason's age dictates that he grows and changes at a much faster rate than Kyle will, for the time being.  But that's just it.  I think of all those males...and in each of them, I see my weaknesses mirrored, I see them fleshed out...I see possibilities for my futre.  Does that sound strange?  It does to me.  Anyway, back to Kason.  The little guy is at a point where he's most moldable.  And you know what?  I hate the fact that I'm not there.  Does he have a solid spiritual example to look up to, one that he can pattern his life after?  *Sigh*...I'd be lying to myself if I said he does.  In myself, I've seen the effects of that lack.  In my brother, those effects are vivid.  In Kyle, I see them starting to form.  In my father...*sigh*...I wonder if it's too late.  I know I know...it's never too late.  Still, my heart wonders...and hopes...yet it's filled with doubts.  Even more, it doubts itself. 

 

So that's why I miss them.  I think.  It's one of those things where I see the stages, I see the path they've all taken, and Kason still has most of his path left before him.  They all have hope, really, but it's the little guy that reminds me most of the preciousness of fathering, of discipleship, of walking in holiness.  In myself, I see how my walk is unholy, and I shudder to think of the repurcussions those current failures will have down the line, perhaps even to my own children (double shudderage).  Yet, God's grace is sufficient, and we have a hope beyond this world. 

 

Whew...I told you my thoughts were melancholy-reflective-not quite moody-uncertain-pensive-eureka phenomena prone-ish.  That post ended up being a lot more...well...open than I had originally thought it would be.  So be it :) 

posted by Bolo | 5:38 PM
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