Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...



God...where are You? You're still here, I know, but I can't hear You right now. Am I not listening? Am I not waiting on You? I hate this. My soul is dry, my life is hollowing out, and I don't know why. Is this "the desert?" Is this Your way of telling me to slow down and listen? Help me...I can't get it right, no matter what I me.

Sometimes, my prayers go very much like that. As of late, they've often gone very much like that. I think the time in "the desert" is a's just hard for me to see it when I'm in the midst of it. I get frustrated with the way I handle the things that God teaches me, since I'm unable to keep from doing things in a way that isn't tainted by selfish motives. If and when God does use me in such a way that my heart is pure, it seems that I'm hardly aware of the way He uses me. It's like I'm so spent, so broken by my sinful nature, I don't even care to use the gifts He gives me; I'm far too disgusted with myself to care about personal glory. At that point, He feels I'm ready, and my heart's in the right least, that's how it sometimes seems to go.

That's the path my journey takes...over and over and over. I get cocky, then I get numb, then I get broken, then I get poured out for Him. *Sigh*...foolish me. Don't get me wrong; it's not like God isn't using me the entire time, or growing me through it all. I'm just describing the states my heart seems to go through (at least, that I'm aware of) while God takes my life and makes it more and more His.

Recently, I heard someone talk about that verse in Philippians (2:7), where Paul speaks of Christ emptying Himself. He emptied Himself. I can't fathom that. He was God...and He emptied Himself. I think of that verse, though, and I think of what my life is like in Christ. God empties me of myself, it seems...He pours me out, makes me nothing, over and over and over again. Like Christ.

posted by Bolo | 8:43 PM
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