Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Wrote this yesterday. My entries as of late seem to have taken on a rather dark pallor. Cool, eh?

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you feel as though you are, to say the least, less than perfect? You know the type. Repeatedly, you do the same things you vow over and over again NOT to do...lust, anger, pride, selfishness...the list goes on and on. You feel as though God isn't listening to your prayers; if He is, there's no way that He really believes them anymore. Or, perhaps even if you do sincerely mean what you're praying, and He knows it, you get the sneaky feeling that there's *more*...that you're just not seeing everything, and you're missing the point. To make matters worse, nobody understands, and everything seems to crash down around you, thus making your state of mind even more self-pitying than before. Of course, being human, we must place a thin shell of pride around ourselves so as to keep the pain from crashing through once more. Oh, but the pain does crash through, despite our best efforts. Guilt, horrifying and haunting, tirelessly chases us down. I repeat...ever had one of those weeks? :) Well, my week wasn't quite that bad, but it seemed doomed to go that route many times. Fortunately, God was gracious, and I don't think it's been that bad, but I did find myself yelling at God, telling Him that I hated sin, I hated how stupid I was, hated how blind I seemed to be. *Sigh*...I think that in a way, I didn't fail nearly as badly as I think I did. All my yelling/praying really was honest, and nothing that I read or can think of reading in God's word tells me otherwise. One of the things I realized as I was thinking this week over the ways I've failed is that God's allowed sin to become much more distasteful to my soul. Even just a little of it has me swimming up to my eyeballs in conviction, it seems. I guess it's also a lot harder to dismiss the tiny sins I used to glance over. *Shudder*...I was reading this morning that what makes sin so horrid first and foremost is not how damaging it is, but how dishonoring to God it is. I'm still digesting that, but what helps is when I think about it in the "if-then" context. If sin is dishonoring to God, it is then damaging to us, because our relationship with Him is then hurt. But it won't work if you say that if sin is damaging to us, then it is dishonoring to God. I said, I'm still trying to digest that and figure it out. *Shrug*...

posted by Bolo | 4:02 PM
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