Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


5.20.2003  

Alright, alright...it's been nearly a month since the last update. Yeah, I've been home for three weeks and now I'm leaving tomorrow night. Well, in a few minutes, I'll be leaving tonight. I'm not sure if that made sense. *Shrug*...it's late.



It's scary to think that three weeks at home have come and gone, and now I'll be leaving so soon. If I'm honest with myself, I think I'd have to say that it was hard to be home again. It's strange to say that, but it's true I think. I think I'm beginning to realize that I'm not ready to be home yet; it's not the place God wants me at right now. I feel very incapable of handling the distractions that are so prevalent at home, so very vulnerable to all the familiar pitfalls that tend to pull me down. I suppose you could say that I know I'm not "ready" yet, whatever that means. I'm not where I need to be, and realizing that is a humbling experience.



I remember wanting some direction on where to go before I home. When I say "where to go," I'm referring to which school and ministry directions to follow. I'm not entirely sure that it's become any clearer since I've been home. I still love youth ministry, and it's hard for me not to feel its constant pull. The weight of missions also beckons, but I'm not sure what implications that field would have as far as leaving home goes. It's a hard thing to think about, because I'm not sure if I'm ready to give some things up...*sigh*...that's a sobering thought. I think I'd still like to teach at some point, in some capacity. Even pastoring (oh boy) hasn't left my thoughts. Whatever You want, God, whatever You want. In a sense, the question isn't so much where you'll lead, but how I'll respond. Am I so enraptured by You that any direction will bring me joy, or is my heart so selfish and shallow as to be set on certain things? I think the latter, so I'm glad it's all a process.

posted by Bolo | 6:44 AM
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