Smeagol is Free!
A hermitudinal view of...stuff...


Thoughts on God: Loaded Question

"What are you going to do with your life?"

I have a love-hate relationship with that question. Some days, when I feel the firm foundation of truth manifest itself at an almost tangible level, pondering what God will do with me on this journey fills my heart with a sweet hope. On others, when I'm feeling stung by the bitter burn of sin and the awareness of my frailty, such pondering becomes painful, fraught with a decaying doubt that gnaws at me from the inside out.

There are some people whose lives are marked for success. We can pick them out in the crowd. Such picking is easy, 'cause the crowd always seems to follow them. It often seems that all they have to do is to keep breathing, and they'll succeed. Talented, driven, responsible, they're the type of people that we'd think God would use.

And then there's me.

My life was never marked for success. I spent a vast portion of my childhood and adolescence staying away from people entirely, preferring hours of solitude to the cacophonous pain of dealing with people. Success was something I didn't care about, nor did I even view it as others did. I never considered myself talented, nor driven, nor responsible. I was definitely not the type of person God would want to use.

Or so I thought.

It's strange how so much of that has changed. I still don't view success as most people likely do. I hate to think it, but I still don't view success as most Christians probably would, either. I still avoid dealing with people more than I need to, yet I find that people have a way of finding me when I don't want to be found.

This is what I find hard about following Jesus. I greatly enjoy what He's given me and I love the ways He reveals Himself to me. But what good is it if I don't share it? What good is beholding Christ in His glory if I do not entreat with others to behold the same, allowing them to see Christ being formed within me to degrees of painful vulnerability? I was telling Gary earlier tonight that while I blog primarily for myself, I'm well aware that others are observing and taking note. This is a striking microcosm of what I feel my life is like. It increasingly becomes more and more public, more and more oriented on what God is doing within me for His Kingdom purposes.

I don't know why God chose to use me, and I'm constantly in awe of the patience He has with me. Still more, I'm honestly scared when I ponder what He's blessed me with. Why? Because I'm seeing more and more that the responsbilities those blessings come wrapped in are very serious responsibilities, not at all to be shirked. It's one thing to be granted forgiveness, but it's another to have gifts and talents that could bless others in turn.

What am I going to do with my life? That's a loaded question, one that's loaded with responsibility.

posted by Bolo | 11:49 PM
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